Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Family » Resurfacing~ as featured on CNN.com
Resurfacing~ as featured on CNN.com
NOTE: This post was tweaked/ updated and featured on CNN.com. If you’d like to read that version, if can be found HERE.
I wrote a post back in October about the blur and survival-mode living during early motherhood. You can read that HERE
It was re-posted yesterday and received several comments, my favorite being a woman who was thankful that her husband waited for her to “resurface” during and after those challenging years.
Hot Mess Mom has all types of readers. Single men and women as well as parents of all aged children, from newborn to adults. Almost 1/4 of my readers are men. {pretty good for a mommy blog ;}
I write about my life NOW. About the ridiculousness of my family and the challenges of raising three boys. I am blessed beyond measure. I have a good marriage, a great family and wonderful friends. My children are smart, funny, handsome and independent. My husband is my partner in the true sense of the word. I have free time. I get pedicures and massages. I take trips. I have girls night out. I drink wine.
It was not always like this.
And again.. I cannot write in specifics about when my kids were babies because I truly do not recall the specifics. I can tell you that I didn’t skip a beat when I had the first two kids. I kept my life. I was superwoman. I did it all and I did it well. Honesty… I did. I would throw those kids in the car, pack a bag and do whatever… dinner, movies, shopping, lunch, weekends with friends, whatever I wanted. And THEN, when Number One turned 3 and Number Two was 6 months old, I found out I was pregnant with Number Three. I never recovered. Truly. My college friends said for years that I just never recovered from that third child.
I had 3 boys in 3 1/2 years. I remember crying a lot. And yelling. And fighting with Seven. And not speaking to Seven. And being lonely. And exhausted. And feeling like a failure because I tried to do it all and do it well. I had many professional friends. I had no mommy friends. NONE. I live in a neighborhood full of stay-at-home moms. I had a job. And a nanny. I met people. I was invited to lunches, parties and events. I did not attend. Ever.
Seven travels for a living. I was alone. Thankfully my parents live close and offered meals and occasional babysitting. I never went out when they babysat. I slept. Every chance I got, I slept.
I didn’t read a non-children’s book for 5 years.
Right after Number Three was born, Number One started playing soccer. These soccer moms were my first mommy friends. These mommies helped me. Actually so did the soccer dads… Everyone was kind. Everyone understood how totally overwhelmed I was with my life. Nobody judged.
In my professional life, I was great… I felt great, I loved my job, I had responsibility and could actually finish projects. At home, nothing was ever finished. I was a wife and a mother. And I LOVED being a wife and mother. But I had lost myself.
As I began to make more mommy friends, my resurfacing began. I started to have an identity. I started to recognize myself again. This was not an overnight occurrence… it took a few years.. but little by little I resurfaced. ME. Not “mommy“, not “honey“, ME.
I began to take time for myself. Not a lot. But some. And some was enough. Wine or dinner with girl friends. A solo trip to the mall. An hour in a chair reading a book while leaving the kids in front of the television. Leaving a wet or dirty diaper for an extra 10 minutes so I could finish a chapter. I felt guilty. Then I felt less guilty. Then I felt entitled. I knew I deserved it. I deserved some ME time. I was a better mother and a better wife when I had some alone time.
We started entertaining again. I invited Seven’s childhood friends over. We had drinks. We played board games. We laughed. Watching him in his natural environment.. laughing with friends… I remembered HIM. Not the husband, not the dad, not the journalist… HIM. The guy I dated. The man I fell in love with…. there he was.. on my back porch playing Balderdash… I had forgotten him.
Remembering HIM helped me remember ME. I was on the cusp… I was getting some alone time… I was almost a real person again……almost. I had to push those final steps… they didn’t come naturally. I had to fake it. I had to pretend I was ME. I had to pretend to be fun and entertaining. I pretended to be a good mom. I pretended to be a good wife. I pretended to like people. And then I quit pretending… and I just WAS. It happened! It finally happened. It took a few years… but it happened. I had officially RESURFACED. As a real person A whole person. A better person.
I write this because I forget. I write this because it’s important. I write this because nobody ever tells you that you will be lost. You learn how to pay bills and balance a checkbook and change a diaper. You are taught how to nurse, how to burp, and how to administer infant CPR. You are given advice on sleeping, eating, walking, and colic. You are not taught how to be happy. You are not taught how to be married. You expected perfection. You didn’t get it. You try to be perfect. You are not.
My advice?
- Moms: as soon as you are comfortable, take some time off. 15 minutes, an hour, a day… whatever. Take it. Find the time. Make it happen.
- Dads: encourage her to go away.
- Moms: let him handle it. He can. You chose him. You married him. He is the daddy. Don’t criticize. It doesn’t matter if he puts the diaper on wrong. It’s not the end of the world if he feeds the baby Stage 2 food instead of Stage 1. It really doesn’t matter. Let him help you.
- Dads: be patient. She is a mess. She is lost. She will return one day. She will be even better and stronger and more beautiful than before. It’s going to take some time. Don’t forget her. Don’t give up on her. She is worth it. Remember her.
 | If you liked this post, please consider leaving a comment, share, or subscribe to RSS feed |
Filed under: Dear Diary, Family
RELATED POSTS & INTERESTSMy trip to the liquor storeI think "life lesson", my boys think "homeless man's toilet water"I had a slow leak (not a metaphor) and now I need a wife.This is how Seven & I fightMy house may actually get CLEAN today! |
I just cried.
Great post! In the thick of it- some days you feel like you’re in the weeds. And I know that this will be over soon, and I will be sad to see it all go. But that part about having a life and being a person you put on hold for a while is pretty tough stuff for sure. I’m 36 and had a pretty fantastic life pre kids- I guess I just expected it to stay that way during. Ha!
You brought tears to my eyes, and many memories back. Glad we had those days back then on the soccer field. So proud to know you and see where you are now!
i was thinking about you and your hub the entire time I was writing
PERFECT!
I just LOVE reading your stuff! I thought of so many people that could really get something out of reading this post in particular…so I’m going to be forwarding/sharing it with them…and hopefully get you some new followers
thank you!!!
OMG! I’ve been reading you for awhile now. Not everything – but enough. Let me tell you – this, this made me cry. I sit here in a puddle at 43 years of age. 2 kids, 20 and 10 and a 10 month grandbaby. I am a stay at home mom, though I’ve done the working thing a time or two. Gave up on perfection more than once and learned to except good enough, though the dear hubby does not make this easy. I’ve never done it all, or done it well but I’ve always done what I could even when it wasn’t exactly my best. But never, never have I managed to get where you are. There is still hope. I keep trying. Maybe my problem today is I discovered over the weekend my 10 year old has worms. Good point – she will NEVER NEVER NEVER put her hands in her mouth again! Bad point – her freaking dr is closed today! What the hell, the monday after the 4th? Somebody is WAY to optimistic!!! This is probably why I’m in a temporary puddle – is 8:30a.m. to early for a margarita? I haven’t had breakfast yet – I’ll call it juice!!! Thank you for your inspiration and the laughs. Keep them coming. I’ve got a ways to go!
your day can only get better! and no..it’s never too early for a margarita!
…and forwarded to all my pregnan friends and their husbands now. Well said. (and barf on me for being mushy).
who is this and what have you done with katie?
My favorite post yet! I’m on the way back!
yay! you can do it!
Omg. You just described what I have been going through to a T. I have 10 month old, work full time as a lawyer (nanny and grandma watch baby) and bc we want 2 kids and we are older parents, we don’t have the luxury of time, so I will have 2 pretty much back to back. I worry how I will handle it bc I find myself struggling to “do it all and do it well” with just the one. I feel like I’m a great mom, but not as good a wife as I should be and my husband deserves. I’m always tired and never want to do anything after baby goes to bed. Husband ends up going out without me and I feel guilty. I’ve learned to make some time for me and it definitely has helped, but I still feel “lost” and alone a lot of the time. I was crying to my mom and husband just about a month ago about how I feel like I’m just surviving, but not really living. I am very fortunate to have such a great, happy baby and wonderful supportive husband and parents who live 5-10 min away. But I struggle from time to time. I don’t really have many mommy friends either since I work and most play dates are during the week and my professional friends (except one) don’t really invite me anywhere anymore, probably bc they know I’ll say no, so I don’t really blame them. Sometimes I feel like I don’t enjoy my baby as much as I should or SHOW my husband how much I appreciate him. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I am s-l-o-w-l-y resurfacing and just grateful that I have a patient, loving husband who is totally supportive of me and understands and is also super hands on with our son … bc I know many dads who aren’t. Anyway, great post … thanks for sharing.
Good Luck
I totally felt like this until I met my momfia – every Mom needs a support group. Still, she has to take some time for herself. We started a meetup group in our area to help other moms who don’t have anyone.
GREAT post HMM. Thank you!!
that’s a great idea! If only I liked people more…..
Thank you!! For this and everything you write!! You give me hope, and a good laugh, and make me feel so much better about….life! Thank you xoxo
aww…thanks!
It’s nice to see that you’re not trying to hide how overwhelmed you are/were. I feel like a lot of moms can relate to that!
Oh my HMM! How do I love thee? You are so ballsy honest it makes my heart smile
(I would nominate you to run for public office, but alas, I know some of the shit you’ve done. But your truthfulness could bring hope to our nation! We need more people who aren’t scared to speak the truth.)
Wonderful post! I luv you the most! Brilliant.
This was a great post. I am a full time Mommy and I work full time, on top of that I am a wife which leaves very little time for me. Its nice to know I am not the only one. There is little to no time to have friends or a social life because when I am not working outside the house there are a million things to do inside the house. and I feel guilty for going out without my husband or kids because I am away from them 50+ hours a week for work.
then go to lunch during the work day. alone. at a table in the corner. with a book. it helps.. it really does.
Amen. 2 kids in 2 years… And it probably would have been three had I not threatened to cut off his penis if he came anywhere near me with it.
I heart you.
i heart you more
Thank you, I sure needed a reminder to get some ME time. I have 2 girls (2 & 3) they are everything to me….also a great hubby & I get to stay home. I am very encouraged by reading about your journey, helps me find humor in the not so fun parts of being a Mommy.
better to laugh than cry
I just read that and you could have been telling my life story. I had 3 girls in 4 years. The first two were easy and as soon as number 3 arrived all hell broke loose.She is almost 4 now and it is getting easier but sometimes I feel like I am only the maid, the taxi, the cleaner and cook. I have decided here and now to make time for me cos if I hear “mommy” one more time I will not be held responsible for my actions.Thank you for letting me rant and rave in a controlled environment. Love your blog.
i sing in my house all of the time “That’s not my name… that’s not my name!!”
Such great advice! It’s hard to remember sometimes.
When you hear “MOM” pretty much all day, it is easy to get lost and then even easier to lose your mind. I feel like I am at that point. I thought the older they got the easier it became. But easy is just relative, the ever present bickering, tears, tattling, and my personal favorite whinning, aren’t any easier than the late nights and dirty diapers. I have two amazing girls and an even more amazing husband and thank God for them every day, but it is still hard. Thank you for making me laugh every day. Your blog is my alone time.
My marriage did not survive the “resurfacing” (mid life crisis won that race!)
Now I do it alone, I have a wonderful mom and sister that help pick up the slack with my kids whenever. I also have the most FUCKTABULOUS friends anyone could ask for! These are the people in my life that will be there when I “resurface”. Thank you for putting it out there that things do get easier, life does move forward! Thanks for the support!
When you first have kids, it’s hard to prioritize your life. You put your kids before everything else — yourself, your marriage, your health, etc… I fell into that trap and it seriously impacted my marriage. Now, my husband and I both try to make sure we take time out for ourselves, for each other and for the kids. When you’re on the airplane, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before your kids’. Same thing here. Make yourself happy and healthy and you will be a better parent to your kids.
OMG! I am boohooing before 5pm…….. THANK YOU!
You nailed it, again.
Wow. This made me cry. This post was meant to be read by me. Today. As I sit with the baby fussing next to me in her swing, and the preschooler bugging me to do another art project with her…all I want is five minutes of peace and a shower. I am so lost, I don’t even know who I am anymore and I’m convinced my husband hates me some days because I have become a lunatic. He oten tells me it’s a shame that you got “Hot Mess Mom” first because that’s what I am, a hot mess. You have given me hope. It won’t be like this for long, right?
For me, it STARTED getting easier when the baby turned 2. By the time he was 3 I was back! Well, mostly back.. I wasn’t totally back until last year when I got on Zoloft.. but that’s a story for another day.
Good Luck Girl!! I been missing you!
Thanks! I’ve been lurking….just not commenting. I never miss a post!
I just cried when I read this. Unexpectedly. This. Is. Me. My youngest(3rd daughter) is 17 months. I beginning to resurface. And you got it right…at times I fake it. This is seriously the best thing I have read in a long long time in regards to how it fits into my life right this moment. Thank you so much for sharing!!
AMEN and this is why I encourage all my Mom friends to read your blog! Without my mommy friends I wouldn’t have survived being a stay at home with most of my sanity intact.
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow!
Perfect.
I’m crying again.. Geesh
This right here. L-O-V-E. Truly. We need these reminders to find ourselves. Thank you.
This was lovely and truthful. Wise advice. Ellen
Awesomeness, and so beautifully true. I’m still getting there, but you’ve perfectly captured the process so far and what is (I hope) the light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs to you for this!
Great post! My husband left me during this stage in my life….I too have 3 kids. I am now finding ME again alone as a single mom. It is getting easier month by month and I know it will happen…..I am pretending now. Thanks for the post!
That post just brought me back to a scary time. You forget how lonely, incapable and inadequate you feel in the beginning. We moved from our apartment in San Francisco to the ‘burbs 2 weeks before we had our first. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I had not a single friend and quit my job. I didn’t even know where the grocery store was. Hubby was fine because he got to escape everyday for 12 hours to work in the City. I resented him for it. I lost myself almost completely. Kids get older and after a few years you meet people…not just people, but who are to become your friends and kids peers and all falls into place miraculously. I’m not sure why I am writing this to a complete stranger, but I guess it makes me feel good all these years later to realize I wasn’t unique in my feelings then. It truly did suck. THANK YOU!
thank you.. and yes… the move to the ‘burbs was the hardest/ best part.. Awful then.. Great now. And yes.. it truly did suck.
This just brought tears to my eyes…I am in the pretending phase…I feel like I’m on the brink of something awesome if I can just hang on a little while longer!! I’ve had 3 boys in 4.5 years…my youngest is 10 months. I just started reading your blog a couple weeks ago and LOVE it! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way….you put my thoughts into words perfectly!!
I read through all of these comments, and all that I am thinking and feeling after reading this has been expressed, so those bases are covered.
All that is left is for me to tell you how much I love you. Everything. The good, the mess, and the in between. I adore the pants off of you.
I know I’ve said it a million times before, but YOU ARE MY HERO! If i can be half as fabulous of a mom and a person as you are, I will consider it a success! SN: This post made me bawl and I love it.
shut it! Thank you for the kind words.. but trust me.. I’m a MESS….
Hi
Superb post!
Is it bad that I can relate to this when I only have ONE BOY?
I got lost, a lot and it has taken me two full years to resurface.
I read this post very slowly and really digested it.
But the last paragraph touched me deeply and made me cry, from “Dads be patient”.
Liska x
ahh.. thank you!!!!!!!
Thanks for replying.
I am now back in the UK – I read your post in Ireland late last night when I should have been sleeping.
I am still pondering on how your post made me feel so have written this:
http://newmumonline.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/lost-at-sea.html
Liska x
Hi,
This was the first “mom blog” I have ever read. Truthfully, I never thought I would “need” or “want” to search the Internet for women who feel as overwhelmed as I do (I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old–both boys, and I work full time). Judgmental, I know, but I’m still learning. Lately I have been feeling like just about everyone I know who has little kids denies that it is as hard as I say it is. I have one work friend, however, who I never EVER see without a caffeinated beverage in her hand–usually in a porcelain mug from home, who gets it. Thank God for her. And thank God for this blog and that other one about how getting married and making babies is hard. I hate to sound like a broken record, but they both made me cry. Finally! The truth!!! Not that those other moms are lying, but come on, it’s not always sweetness and light when you’re a new parent. Anyhow, thanks. I don’t feel like such a failure today. And I don’t feel like maybe I just have “tough kids.” And maybe mom blogging isn’t so silly after all.
I just wrote you a reply, then made a post out of it.. am emailing it to you in case you don’t see it here.
welcome! and thank you!
http://hotmessmom.com/and-now-i-write-for-you/
that was just the reality check i needed. i am resurfacing and crazily thinking of having a 4th baby. i have lost my shit somewhere. but ME not crazy, sleep deprived me loves kids and only wants to feel crazy once. get it over with 1 time- no later in life babies for me! i hope i find all of me but it is harder- way harder than i anticipated and sometimes i didn’t even know i was lost. but i see happy in all sorts of things i thought i forgot about. its fantastic this adventure we are on. i am proud of you. i know you get a little hazing from the sisters but thats cause sometimes i think they never resurfaced
[...] From Hot Mess Mom: Resurfacing: [...]
Just started following your blog yesterday. So far I have cried tears of laughter, joy, sadness and everything in between. You nailed this one…no-one teaches us how to find ourselves once we have lost it but you are proof that searching is the first step in finding ourselves again….Magnificent piece of writing. Thanks.
thank YOU!
LOVE this – thanks! Trying to get those girls days back – on the short list. My sister-in-law (mother of 3) forgot her oldest first day of kindergarten and their youngest (2 at the time) birthday all in the same day – she says you just need to SURVIVE! I hear Gloria Gaynor…
I am 26 years old in live in australia, I came across your blog looking for inspiration, to see the funny side in my days that seem to all be the same. I have 3 kids 3 and half years apart, a 5, 3 and 2 year old. I laughed my ass off at your other posts but this one really hit home. I love my kids so much but I dont know who I am anymore…….I think Im gonna get there though:)
welcome
[...] Resurfacing (Hot Mess Mom – July 9, 2012) [...]
Okay, so I just read this one today (Aug. 6th) and was moved. Simply moved. You have really captured here how most moms feel during those first years of being a mom. We sort of dive into it expecting total bliss. And the reality is that while you are definitely in love with these newcomers, you do lose yourself in the mix. I’m just now starting to “resurface” and find those “me” moments again and it feels wonderful. People ask if I will be having more children and I’m feeling more and more certain the answer is no. I adore my two girls, but I am ready now to find out who I am again and let them meet me. Thanks for this post- it was refreshing!
Oh it’s so nice to see on this blog what I have felt ao strongly in my own life. Mine are now 7 and 4 and amazingly I’m an even better ME than I was before. I’m stronger, I don’t care what other people think (in a good way) and I can finish what I start if I so deem it the day to do so.
But for so long I was lost and I cried and I couldn’t believe I let my husband talk me into having 2 kids. It was not something peoe talked about. Everyone always talked about how wonderful it was to have kids and how they just made your life whole. I’m honest with ladies who have not had children cause I wish someone had been honest with me!
Thank you for putting words to exactly how i feel right now. I just didn’t know it until i read your post. We too have three boys and two under two when my youngest was born (he is now 7 months) i find it is getting better as the youngest is getting older. I have few if any Mommy friends as most of the people i know just don’t have kids yet and until you are there, there is no chance of them understanding. We live in a rural area and have no neighbours so I have been using the web to connect with other Mom’s out there. As I was reading this post and crying, my youngest son bit me then his he pooped and his diaper leaked all over my arm. Awesome:) Thanks so much for making me laugh and cry.
I found your site from “Top Mommy Blogs” and can see why you are ranked so high. Such words of encouragement to us moms who can’t see outside of the baby box right now. I am only jealous that you were able to do it all for the first two.
Thanks be to Pinterest for leading me to this blog. Thank you for writing this. Thanks for making me laugh and nod my head feverishly in agreement with everything I just read. I’m officially hooked on HMM. Thanks again!
Hello,
I am a student from Pace University. I am studying the home improvement industry and I am interested in your preferences and opinions. Please click on the link below to take my survey:
http://pace.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_d4q3AGdDe64uEbH
The survey should take no longer than 5 minutes to complete and all answers to questions will remain completely anonymous. I greatly appreciate your assistance.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for making me feel like I wasn’t the only crazy person in the world! I am just now getting back to ME, I had forgotten how much fun ME could be!
I love it!!!! I cant wait to read more! Xoxo
Sorry it took me so long to get here. The wolff girls made me do it!
I know I’m a little late to the party, but I wanted to add my voice to the “thank you”s. I made my husband read this post because you put into words exactly what I have been feeling.. We have a 6 week old daughter (our first) and I have lost myself and my marriage somewhere a long the way. You’re right…you get all the advice you could want or need (and more) about feeding, sleep schedules, colic, car seats, etc…but no one ever tells you about this part. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not crazy and that there will be a day where everything will be normal again.
I so needed to read this. Thank you.
I’m newish. I love your blog. I love this post. I’m married. With a three year old that I’m alone with cause my husbands work steals him. I quit my job. I quit my hobbies. I quit my life….But now… Three years later… I’m faking it pretty damn good for the time being and this post gave me a little bit of hope that some day I will return.
This just made me cry…I’m in the thick of it (also 3 kids in 3.5 yrs and an older one). I’m completely buried but look forward to resurfacing!!!
you will. I promise! don’t be too hard on yourself and take one day at a time. For. The . Next. 5. Years..