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Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Family » Resurfacing~ as featured on CNN.com

Resurfacing~ as featured on CNN.com

 NOTE:  This post was tweaked/ updated and featured on CNN.com.  If you’d like to read that version, it can be found HERE. 

 

I wrote a post back in October about the blur and survival-mode living during early motherhood.  You can read that HERE

It was re-posted yesterday and received several comments, my favorite being a woman who was thankful that her husband waited for her to “resurface” during and after those challenging years.

Hot Mess Mom has all types of readers.  Single men and women as well as parents of all aged children, from newborn to adults.  Almost 1/4 of my readers are men.  {pretty good for a mommy blog ;}

I write about my life NOW.  About the ridiculousness of my family and the challenges of raising three boys.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I have a good marriage, a great family and wonderful friends.  My children are smart, funny, handsome and independent.  My husband is my partner in the true sense of the word.   I have free time.   I get pedicures and massages.  I take trips.  I have girls night out.  I drink wine.

It was not always like this.

And again.. I cannot write in specifics about when my kids were babies because I truly do not recall the specifics.   I can tell you that I didn’t skip a beat when I had the first two kids.   I kept my life.  I was superwoman.  I did it all and I did it well.  Honesty… I did.  I would throw those kids in the car, pack a bag and do whatever… dinner, movies, shopping, lunch, weekends with friends, whatever I wanted.   And THEN, when Number One turned 3 and  Number Two was 6 months old,  I found out I was pregnant with Number Three.  I never recovered.  Truly.  My college friends said for years that I just never recovered from that third child.

I had 3 boys in 3 1/2 years.  I remember crying a lot.  And yelling.  And fighting with Seven.  And not speaking to Seven.  And being lonely.  And exhausted.  And feeling like a failure because I tried to do it all and do it well.   I had many professional friends.  I had no mommy friends.  NONE.  I live in a neighborhood full of stay-at-home moms.  I had a job.  And a nanny.   I met people.  I was invited to lunches, parties and events.  I did not attend.  Ever.

Seven travels for a living.  I was alone.  Thankfully my parents live close and offered meals and occasional babysitting.  I never went out when they babysat.  I slept.  Every chance I got, I slept.

I didn’t read a non-children’s book for 5 years.

Right after Number Three was born, Number One started playing soccer.  These soccer moms were my first mommy friends.    These mommies helped me.   Actually so did the soccer dads…    Everyone was kind.  Everyone understood how totally overwhelmed I was with my life.  Nobody judged.

In my professional life,  I was great… I felt great, I loved my job, I had responsibility and could actually finish projects.  At home, nothing was ever finished.  I was a wife and a mother.  And I LOVED being a wife and mother.  But I had lost myself.

As I began to make more mommy friends,  my resurfacing began.  I started to have an identity.   I started to recognize myself again.   This was not an overnight occurrence… it took a few years..   but little by little I resurfaced.  ME.  Not “mommy“, not “honey“,  ME.

I began to take time for myself.  Not a lot.  But some.  And some was enough.  Wine or dinner with girl friends.  A solo trip to the mall.  An hour in a chair reading a book while leaving the kids in front of the television.  Leaving a wet or dirty diaper for an extra 10 minutes so I could finish a chapter.   I felt guilty.  Then I felt less guilty.  Then I felt entitled.  I knew I deserved it.  I deserved some ME time.  I was a better mother and a better wife when I had some alone time.

We started entertaining again.  I invited Seven’s childhood friends over.  We had drinks.  We played board games.  We laughed.  Watching him in his natural environment.. laughing with friends…  I remembered HIM.   Not the husband, not the dad, not the journalist… HIM.   The guy I dated.  The man I fell in love with…. there he was.. on my back porch playing Balderdash…  I had forgotten him.

Remembering HIM helped me remember ME.   I was on the cusp… I was getting some alone time…  I was almost a real person again……almost.   I had to push those final steps… they didn’t come naturally.  I had to fake it.   I had to pretend I was ME.  I had to pretend to be fun and entertaining.  I pretended to be a good mom.  I pretended to be a good wife.  I pretended to like people.   And then I quit pretending… and I just WAS.  It happened!  It finally happened.  It took a few years…  but it happened.  I had officially RESURFACED.  As a real person  A whole person.  A better person.

I write this because I forget.  I write this because it’s important.  I write this because nobody ever tells you that you will be lost.  You learn how to pay bills and balance a checkbook and change a diaper.  You are taught how to nurse, how to burp, and how to administer infant CPR.  You are given advice on sleeping, eating, walking, and colic.   You are not taught how to be happy.  You are not taught how to be married.  You expected perfection.  You didn’t get it.  You try to be perfect.   You are not.

My advice?

  • Moms:  as soon as you are comfortable, take some time off.  15 minutes, an hour, a day… whatever.  Take it.  Find the time.  Make it happen.
  • Dads:  encourage her to go away.
  • Moms:  let him handle it.  He can.  You chose him.  You married him.  He is the daddy.  Don’t criticize.  It doesn’t matter if he puts the diaper on wrong.  It’s not the end of the world if he feeds the baby Stage 2 food instead of Stage 1.  It really doesn’t matter.  Let him help you.
  • Dads:  be patient.  She is a mess.  She is lost.  She will return one day.  She will be even better and stronger and more beautiful than before.  It’s going to take some time.   Don’t forget her.  Don’t give up on her.  She is worth it.  Remember her.

 

 

 

 


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115 Responses to "Resurfacing~ as featured on CNN.com"

  1. Amy M.R. says:

    I just cried.

  2. Farrah says:

    Great post! In the thick of it- some days you feel like you’re in the weeds. And I know that this will be over soon, and I will be sad to see it all go. But that part about having a life and being a person you put on hold for a while is pretty tough stuff for sure. I’m 36 and had a pretty fantastic life pre kids- I guess I just expected it to stay that way during. Ha!

  3. christine says:

    You brought tears to my eyes, and many memories back. Glad we had those days back then on the soccer field. So proud to know you and see where you are now!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      i was thinking about you and your hub the entire time I was writing ;)

  4. Kristi says:

    PERFECT!

  5. Leah says:

    I just LOVE reading your stuff! I thought of so many people that could really get something out of reading this post in particular…so I’m going to be forwarding/sharing it with them…and hopefully get you some new followers ;-)

  6. Stacey Briscoe says:

    OMG! I’ve been reading you for awhile now. Not everything – but enough. Let me tell you – this, this made me cry. I sit here in a puddle at 43 years of age. 2 kids, 20 and 10 and a 10 month grandbaby. I am a stay at home mom, though I’ve done the working thing a time or two. Gave up on perfection more than once and learned to except good enough, though the dear hubby does not make this easy. I’ve never done it all, or done it well but I’ve always done what I could even when it wasn’t exactly my best. But never, never have I managed to get where you are. There is still hope. I keep trying. Maybe my problem today is I discovered over the weekend my 10 year old has worms. Good point – she will NEVER NEVER NEVER put her hands in her mouth again! Bad point – her freaking dr is closed today! What the hell, the monday after the 4th? Somebody is WAY to optimistic!!! This is probably why I’m in a temporary puddle – is 8:30a.m. to early for a margarita? I haven’t had breakfast yet – I’ll call it juice!!! Thank you for your inspiration and the laughs. Keep them coming. I’ve got a ways to go!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      your day can only get better! and no..it’s never too early for a margarita! :)

  7. Katie says:

    …and forwarded to all my pregnan friends and their husbands now. Well said. (and barf on me for being mushy).

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      who is this and what have you done with katie?

  8. Jackie Boston says:

    My favorite post yet! I’m on the way back!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      yay! you can do it!

  9. Michelle says:

    Omg. You just described what I have been going through to a T. I have 10 month old, work full time as a lawyer (nanny and grandma watch baby) and bc we want 2 kids and we are older parents, we don’t have the luxury of time, so I will have 2 pretty much back to back. I worry how I will handle it bc I find myself struggling to “do it all and do it well” with just the one. I feel like I’m a great mom, but not as good a wife as I should be and my husband deserves. I’m always tired and never want to do anything after baby goes to bed. Husband ends up going out without me and I feel guilty. I’ve learned to make some time for me and it definitely has helped, but I still feel “lost” and alone a lot of the time. I was crying to my mom and husband just about a month ago about how I feel like I’m just surviving, but not really living. I am very fortunate to have such a great, happy baby and wonderful supportive husband and parents who live 5-10 min away. But I struggle from time to time. I don’t really have many mommy friends either since I work and most play dates are during the week and my professional friends (except one) don’t really invite me anywhere anymore, probably bc they know I’ll say no, so I don’t really blame them. Sometimes I feel like I don’t enjoy my baby as much as I should or SHOW my husband how much I appreciate him. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I am s-l-o-w-l-y resurfacing and just grateful that I have a patient, loving husband who is totally supportive of me and understands and is also super hands on with our son … bc I know many dads who aren’t. Anyway, great post … thanks for sharing.

  10. I totally felt like this until I met my momfia – every Mom needs a support group. Still, she has to take some time for herself. We started a meetup group in our area to help other moms who don’t have anyone.
    GREAT post HMM. Thank you!!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      that’s a great idea! If only I liked people more…..

      1. jeanny says:

        Any group that give out drinks is a support group haha, even if its only 2 of you, lol

  11. Lindsay says:

    Thank you!! For this and everything you write!! You give me hope, and a good laugh, and make me feel so much better about….life! Thank you xoxo

  12. It’s nice to see that you’re not trying to hide how overwhelmed you are/were. I feel like a lot of moms can relate to that!

  13. Ann says:

    Oh my HMM! How do I love thee? You are so ballsy honest it makes my heart smile :)
    (I would nominate you to run for public office, but alas, I know some of the shit you’ve done. But your truthfulness could bring hope to our nation! We need more people who aren’t scared to speak the truth.)

    Wonderful post! I luv you the most! Brilliant.

  14. becky says:

    This was a great post. I am a full time Mommy and I work full time, on top of that I am a wife which leaves very little time for me. Its nice to know I am not the only one. There is little to no time to have friends or a social life because when I am not working outside the house there are a million things to do inside the house. and I feel guilty for going out without my husband or kids because I am away from them 50+ hours a week for work.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      then go to lunch during the work day. alone. at a table in the corner. with a book. it helps.. it really does.

  15. NW Lighthall says:

    Amen. 2 kids in 2 years… And it probably would have been three had I not threatened to cut off his penis if he came anywhere near me with it.

    I heart you.

  16. Tricia says:

    Thank you, I sure needed a reminder to get some ME time. I have 2 girls (2 & 3) they are everything to me….also a great hubby & I get to stay home. I am very encouraged by reading about your journey, helps me find humor in the not so fun parts of being a Mommy.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      better to laugh than cry ;)

  17. Triona. Ireland says:

    I just read that and you could have been telling my life story. I had 3 girls in 4 years. The first two were easy and as soon as number 3 arrived all hell broke loose.She is almost 4 now and it is getting easier but sometimes I feel like I am only the maid, the taxi, the cleaner and cook. I have decided here and now to make time for me cos if I hear “mommy” one more time I will not be held responsible for my actions.Thank you for letting me rant and rave in a controlled environment. Love your blog.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      i sing in my house all of the time “That’s not my name… that’s not my name!!”

  18. Such great advice! It’s hard to remember sometimes.

  19. kingstonmom says:

    When you hear “MOM” pretty much all day, it is easy to get lost and then even easier to lose your mind. I feel like I am at that point. I thought the older they got the easier it became. But easy is just relative, the ever present bickering, tears, tattling, and my personal favorite whinning, aren’t any easier than the late nights and dirty diapers. I have two amazing girls and an even more amazing husband and thank God for them every day, but it is still hard. Thank you for making me laugh every day. Your blog is my alone time.

  20. Pattycakes says:

    My marriage did not survive the “resurfacing” (mid life crisis won that race!)
    Now I do it alone, I have a wonderful mom and sister that help pick up the slack with my kids whenever. I also have the most FUCKTABULOUS friends anyone could ask for! These are the people in my life that will be there when I “resurface”. Thank you for putting it out there that things do get easier, life does move forward! Thanks for the support!

  21. When you first have kids, it’s hard to prioritize your life. You put your kids before everything else — yourself, your marriage, your health, etc… I fell into that trap and it seriously impacted my marriage. Now, my husband and I both try to make sure we take time out for ourselves, for each other and for the kids. When you’re on the airplane, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before your kids’. Same thing here. Make yourself happy and healthy and you will be a better parent to your kids.

  22. OMG! I am boohooing before 5pm…….. THANK YOU! :) You nailed it, again.

  23. Jenn says:

    Wow. This made me cry. This post was meant to be read by me. Today. As I sit with the baby fussing next to me in her swing, and the preschooler bugging me to do another art project with her…all I want is five minutes of peace and a shower. I am so lost, I don’t even know who I am anymore and I’m convinced my husband hates me some days because I have become a lunatic. He oten tells me it’s a shame that you got “Hot Mess Mom” first because that’s what I am, a hot mess. You have given me hope. It won’t be like this for long, right?

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      For me, it STARTED getting easier when the baby turned 2. By the time he was 3 I was back! Well, mostly back.. I wasn’t totally back until last year when I got on Zoloft.. but that’s a story for another day. ;) Good Luck Girl!! I been missing you!

      1. Jenn says:

        Thanks! I’ve been lurking….just not commenting. I never miss a post! ;)

  24. I just cried when I read this. Unexpectedly. This. Is. Me. My youngest(3rd daughter) is 17 months. I beginning to resurface. And you got it right…at times I fake it. This is seriously the best thing I have read in a long long time in regards to how it fits into my life right this moment. Thank you so much for sharing!!

  25. thebev says:

    AMEN and this is why I encourage all my Mom friends to read your blog! Without my mommy friends I wouldn’t have survived being a stay at home with most of my sanity intact.
    FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. Sami Griffin says:

    Wow!

  27. Rhea says:

    Perfect.

  28. Jenn says:

    I’m crying again.. Geesh

  29. YKIHAYHT says:

    This right here. L-O-V-E. Truly. We need these reminders to find ourselves. Thank you.

  30. This was lovely and truthful. Wise advice. Ellen

  31. Awesomeness, and so beautifully true. I’m still getting there, but you’ve perfectly captured the process so far and what is (I hope) the light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs to you for this! :)

  32. Tracie says:

    Great post! My husband left me during this stage in my life….I too have 3 kids. I am now finding ME again alone as a single mom. It is getting easier month by month and I know it will happen…..I am pretending now. Thanks for the post!

  33. Meredith says:

    That post just brought me back to a scary time. You forget how lonely, incapable and inadequate you feel in the beginning. We moved from our apartment in San Francisco to the ‘burbs 2 weeks before we had our first. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I had not a single friend and quit my job. I didn’t even know where the grocery store was. Hubby was fine because he got to escape everyday for 12 hours to work in the City. I resented him for it. I lost myself almost completely. Kids get older and after a few years you meet people…not just people, but who are to become your friends and kids peers and all falls into place miraculously. I’m not sure why I am writing this to a complete stranger, but I guess it makes me feel good all these years later to realize I wasn’t unique in my feelings then. It truly did suck. THANK YOU!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      thank you.. and yes… the move to the ‘burbs was the hardest/ best part.. Awful then.. Great now. And yes.. it truly did suck. :)

  34. Cameron says:

    This just brought tears to my eyes…I am in the pretending phase…I feel like I’m on the brink of something awesome if I can just hang on a little while longer!! I’ve had 3 boys in 4.5 years…my youngest is 10 months. I just started reading your blog a couple weeks ago and LOVE it! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way….you put my thoughts into words perfectly!!

  35. Brenda Boo says:

    I read through all of these comments, and all that I am thinking and feeling after reading this has been expressed, so those bases are covered.

    All that is left is for me to tell you how much I love you. Everything. The good, the mess, and the in between. I adore the pants off of you.

  36. Kelly says:

    I know I’ve said it a million times before, but YOU ARE MY HERO! If i can be half as fabulous of a mom and a person as you are, I will consider it a success! SN: This post made me bawl and I love it.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      shut it! Thank you for the kind words.. but trust me.. I’m a MESS…. :)

  37. Liska says:

    Hi
    Superb post!
    Is it bad that I can relate to this when I only have ONE BOY?
    I got lost, a lot and it has taken me two full years to resurface.
    I read this post very slowly and really digested it.
    But the last paragraph touched me deeply and made me cry, from “Dads be patient”.
    Liska x

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      ahh.. thank you!!!!!!! ;)

      1. Liska says:

        Thanks for replying.
        I am now back in the UK – I read your post in Ireland late last night when I should have been sleeping.
        I am still pondering on how your post made me feel so have written this:
        http://newmumonline.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/lost-at-sea.html
        Liska x

  38. Jessica says:

    Hi,

    This was the first “mom blog” I have ever read. Truthfully, I never thought I would “need” or “want” to search the Internet for women who feel as overwhelmed as I do (I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old–both boys, and I work full time). Judgmental, I know, but I’m still learning. Lately I have been feeling like just about everyone I know who has little kids denies that it is as hard as I say it is. I have one work friend, however, who I never EVER see without a caffeinated beverage in her hand–usually in a porcelain mug from home, who gets it. Thank God for her. And thank God for this blog and that other one about how getting married and making babies is hard. I hate to sound like a broken record, but they both made me cry. Finally! The truth!!! Not that those other moms are lying, but come on, it’s not always sweetness and light when you’re a new parent. Anyhow, thanks. I don’t feel like such a failure today. And I don’t feel like maybe I just have “tough kids.” And maybe mom blogging isn’t so silly after all.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      I just wrote you a reply, then made a post out of it.. am emailing it to you in case you don’t see it here.
      welcome! and thank you!

      http://hotmessmom.com/and-now-i-write-for-you/

  39. ashley says:

    that was just the reality check i needed. i am resurfacing and crazily thinking of having a 4th baby. i have lost my shit somewhere. but ME not crazy, sleep deprived me loves kids and only wants to feel crazy once. get it over with 1 time- no later in life babies for me! i hope i find all of me but it is harder- way harder than i anticipated and sometimes i didn’t even know i was lost. but i see happy in all sorts of things i thought i forgot about. its fantastic this adventure we are on. i am proud of you. i know you get a little hazing from the sisters but thats cause sometimes i think they never resurfaced :)

  40. Crazy Love Mama says:

    Just started following your blog yesterday. So far I have cried tears of laughter, joy, sadness and everything in between. You nailed this one…no-one teaches us how to find ourselves once we have lost it but you are proof that searching is the first step in finding ourselves again….Magnificent piece of writing. Thanks.

  41. LOVE this – thanks! Trying to get those girls days back – on the short list. My sister-in-law (mother of 3) forgot her oldest first day of kindergarten and their youngest (2 at the time) birthday all in the same day – she says you just need to SURVIVE! I hear Gloria Gaynor…

  42. rachel says:

    I am 26 years old in live in australia, I came across your blog looking for inspiration, to see the funny side in my days that seem to all be the same. I have 3 kids 3 and half years apart, a 5, 3 and 2 year old. I laughed my ass off at your other posts but this one really hit home. I love my kids so much but I dont know who I am anymore…….I think Im gonna get there though:)

  43. [...] Resurfacing (Hot Mess Mom – July 9, 2012) [...]

  44. Okay, so I just read this one today (Aug. 6th) and was moved. Simply moved. You have really captured here how most moms feel during those first years of being a mom. We sort of dive into it expecting total bliss. And the reality is that while you are definitely in love with these newcomers, you do lose yourself in the mix. I’m just now starting to “resurface” and find those “me” moments again and it feels wonderful. People ask if I will be having more children and I’m feeling more and more certain the answer is no. I adore my two girls, but I am ready now to find out who I am again and let them meet me. Thanks for this post- it was refreshing!

  45. Rebecca J says:

    Oh it’s so nice to see on this blog what I have felt ao strongly in my own life. Mine are now 7 and 4 and amazingly I’m an even better ME than I was before. I’m stronger, I don’t care what other people think (in a good way) and I can finish what I start if I so deem it the day to do so.
    But for so long I was lost and I cried and I couldn’t believe I let my husband talk me into having 2 kids. It was not something peoe talked about. Everyone always talked about how wonderful it was to have kids and how they just made your life whole. I’m honest with ladies who have not had children cause I wish someone had been honest with me!

  46. Sarah says:

    Thank you for putting words to exactly how i feel right now. I just didn’t know it until i read your post. We too have three boys and two under two when my youngest was born (he is now 7 months) i find it is getting better as the youngest is getting older. I have few if any Mommy friends as most of the people i know just don’t have kids yet and until you are there, there is no chance of them understanding. We live in a rural area and have no neighbours so I have been using the web to connect with other Mom’s out there. As I was reading this post and crying, my youngest son bit me then his he pooped and his diaper leaked all over my arm. Awesome:) Thanks so much for making me laugh and cry.

  47. Rachel says:

    I found your site from “Top Mommy Blogs” and can see why you are ranked so high. Such words of encouragement to us moms who can’t see outside of the baby box right now. I am only jealous that you were able to do it all for the first two.

  48. Sara says:

    Thanks be to Pinterest for leading me to this blog. Thank you for writing this. Thanks for making me laugh and nod my head feverishly in agreement with everything I just read. I’m officially hooked on HMM. Thanks again!

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  50. Erica says:

    Thank you so much for making me feel like I wasn’t the only crazy person in the world! I am just now getting back to ME, I had forgotten how much fun ME could be!

  51. USF Beth says:

    I love it!!!! I cant wait to read more! Xoxo

    Sorry it took me so long to get here. The wolff girls made me do it!

  52. Emi says:

    I know I’m a little late to the party, but I wanted to add my voice to the “thank you”s. I made my husband read this post because you put into words exactly what I have been feeling.. We have a 6 week old daughter (our first) and I have lost myself and my marriage somewhere a long the way. You’re right…you get all the advice you could want or need (and more) about feeding, sleep schedules, colic, car seats, etc…but no one ever tells you about this part. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not crazy and that there will be a day where everything will be normal again.

  53. Kristin says:

    I so needed to read this. Thank you.

  54. Kimberlie says:

    I’m newish. I love your blog. I love this post. I’m married. With a three year old that I’m alone with cause my husbands work steals him. I quit my job. I quit my hobbies. I quit my life….But now… Three years later… I’m faking it pretty damn good for the time being and this post gave me a little bit of hope that some day I will return. :)

  55. Alisa says:

    This just made me cry…I’m in the thick of it (also 3 kids in 3.5 yrs and an older one). I’m completely buried but look forward to resurfacing!!!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      you will. I promise! don’t be too hard on yourself and take one day at a time. For. The . Next. 5. Years.. ;)

  56. Heather says:

    *tears*
    I only have one kid and I feel like that.
    :/

  57. I love this post! Thank you for sharing it. I am just resurfacing now… It’s taken a very long time, I’m coming out from under Mr 12 and Miss 9 and The King …. but I’m coming up beautifully!

  58. Laura says:

    Thank you for this post. I’m 33 and 6 1/2 months pregnant, finally. Because all of those things you talk about have made me scared about getting here. Because while I’ve wanted this, I don’t feel I have any idea about what this really IS. It’s taken me till now to get a sense of who I am and what I can do and I’m terrified of losing that.

    I keep hearing how having children will change your life, it’ll never be the same, but no one talks about how you can be the same. Cause I want kids, I just don’t want to lose me. This is the kind of information we need!

    Thank you to all the moms who left their thoughts as well, it’s very reassuring.

  59. Bobbi says:

    Loved this and lived this. I don’t think I’m all the way back yet. I still feel guilty when I do stuff just for me, does that feeling go away? I’ve been working on this for a couple years now.

  60. Janis says:

    This is such great advice….

  61. DOwin says:

    Thank you for sharing this. This is exactly what I’ve been going threw with my 3 little ones. Ages 10,6,and 1. I feel very lost and overwhelmed at times and it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one experiencing this.

  62. Theresa says:

    Awesome advice and the utter reality of motherhood/parenthood! It’s a blessed, wonderful responsibility with profound rewards… but the gray matter in between is sloppy,smelly and MESSY!!!

    Part 2 of this story is the other end, when your children are grown and don’t need you like they used to!! That too is isolating, scary and overwhelming. All of a sudden you are set free into the abyss with free time and no one nagging at you or needing a ride somewhere or taking them shopping for a prom dress… You would think it would be a glorious awakening but it is not!! And I was in that deep end of the ocean for years, until our granddaughter was born! Now a new purpose, a new life and a new kind of love…grander and brighter than one could imagine has surfaced. You think it’s impossible to love anyone as much as your own kids… well it isn’t! It’s a different love, on a unique level, higher than you knew your heart could open and it is fanfuckingtastic!!!

    I was lost (again) and this little beautiful girl has brought a fresh breath back into our family, a renewal of our bond through her. It was like we never knew something was missing until she arrived… now the sun shines brighter, we love stronger, we fight harder and we are a home filled with laughter, yelling, fighting, hugging, and it’s untidy again… it’s MESSY!!!
    Life is MESSY… I LOVE MESSY!!!!

  63. sinapretty1 says:

    I cried, related,exhaled and now I want a pedicure and my nails and brows done. And do my hair. Lets see if I can make that happen. I’m trying to resurface.

  64. Rachel says:

    I needed to read this. Right now. With the dogs barking and the kids crying, dishes in the sink and feeling guilty for hiding in my phone in the middle of chaos, I needed this. Thank you.

  65. Ash says:

    Wow. I have to say thank you. This really hit home. Situation is a little different bcs I am trying to find me after 17 yrs of being a wife and mother. Very bad marriage and subsequent divorce. Found a very awesome man who lives with us now. He is always on me about doing stuff for me. I was never allowed to so it is very hard. Still learning to be me and happy again. This has been difficult bcs I really don’t know how to. But thank you for making me see it isn’t only me that lost myself. And that maybe just maybe I can learn to be me again.

  66. stephanie says:

    This is exactly what I needed to read! I’m a mother of eight children, in college pursuing my degree in Nursing, & wife. I know I have lost myself in the process of trying to be a mother, wife,and student. Thanks so much for reposting.

  67. Stephanie says:

    I can relate to so many of these comments!! Thank you all for your honesty!! It lets me know that I’m not alone…and I will be back soon!! I made a promise to my best gals that next year for our big 40, we will celebrate with girls weekend trips!

  68. JackieD says:

    You put into words what I wish I had known 20 years ago!! Thank you!! It took me far longer to find myself again, but I’m so glad I did

  69. Leah says:

    Well I just cried! It’s so encouraging to know I’m not the only one who feels lost and in survival mode ALL THE TIME. I was blissfully reading this while my two boys (1yr and 4yr) were playing only to walk into the playroom to find my 1 yr old eating a black marker after coloring all over himself first. Wtf

  70. Diana Ramos says:

    God bless YOU!!!

  71. Brooke says:

    I liked your page on FB and I find myself laughing , crying and relating to many of the things you write about. I only have one child a 2 year old girl, but found it so easy to relate to what you had to say. At work I’m in total control but when it’s time to “mommy” I find myself helpless and at times like a failure. Same as you I felt like supermom the first yr of her life then it all seemed like too much. I am learning to relax and realize that I’m harder on myself than anyone else. I’m pretty sure my daughter thinks I’m awesome do that’s all that matters. Love your page and what you have to say, keep it coming . :)

  72. Bethany says:

    I absolutely loved reading this. It def hit home.

  73. Johanny says:

    I went from 0 to 3 kids in 16 months exactly. My life turned upside down. My twins were born premies and then my little one came along. This is me t

  74. Johanny says:

    I went from 0 to 3 kids in 16 months exactly. My life turned upside down. My twins were born premies and then my little one came along. This is me t

  75. meg smith says:

    Wow. I needed to see this today. My third child is 2 weeks old, I also home school a soon to be 6 year old and 4 year old. I stay home unless there are groceries to be bought, when I am invited somewhere I find myself searching for a reason to stay home. I feel like I live in sweats. I breast feed the baby and I feel guilty for taking time my other two children want from me. I cry everyday. I love them all so much so I shouldn’t feel this way. Thank you.

  76. kim says:

    Oh the hot tears! Someone gets it. They truly get it. I love my kids but I’m so clueless who I am anymore besides wife and mom.

  77. Caryol says:

    This was beautiful! Thank you for being real. It’s a breath or fresh air. Not very often do I get to read honesty about the struggles of being a mom. After 5 kids, with the youngest 16 months, I’m starting to accept that I’m not super mom and it’s ok that I don’t enjoy every aspect of being a mom. I’ve started to drop the guilt and the doubt and work on my confidence as a mother and a woman. There’s still some of me in that ‘pretend’ phase but I’m getting there. My motto is “F*ck it, where’s the wine?”. :-)

  78. Lindsey says:

    So needed this today….my kids are 13 & 11. I’m so in the mommy mood and keep putting off doing things for myself cause the kids NEED me more. But, you know what, I’m strapping on those running shoes that have been hiding in the closet and hitting the street. I’ve always wanted to run a marathon and I think it’s time to get started!!!

  79. Shannon says:

    I am mom. I am working mom. I am student working mom. I am job searching student working mom. I am engaged job searching student working mom. I am still lives with my parents engaged job searching student working mom…

    But…

    Who am I REALLY?

    I HAVE NO FLIPPING IDEA!!!!

    I guess that’s something I need to figure out. I NEED TO RESURFACE!
    Before I drown.

  80. Kaiti says:

    When I first read this post in 2012 I was a stay at home mom to one baby. I was moved, but I did not understand.Now, in 2014, I have a 2 year old, a 7 month old, and I’m pregnant with our third. This summer I will have three babies 2 and under. And now I understand. Truly, deeply know and understand. But I also know that it can get better. Thank you.

  81. So lovely! What a beautiful reminder!

  82. Victoria Hoffman says:

    Everythig moved too fast for us. We met/got engaged/got married within two months. We are very much in love, but it is so hard. We were married for less than 3 months when we found out we were pregnant with #1. She was five months old when we found out we were pregnant with #2. They are 13m13d apart. #2 turned one last week, and I’m still trying to figure out where his first year went. I’m still trying to resurface.

    1. Victoria Hoffman says:

      Background: SAHM mom after years of working 60+hr weeks in restaurants, and then 2 years teaching 3-4 year olds. Just as lonely as you were. All friends are single still. Mom is buried 5 years from SCA, no family around, just in-laws.
      Thank you for this. Sincerely.

  83. Dory Marten says:

    This is me,in my life,right now!! I thought this was just what happens,i have been trying to do it all and find myself again,at the same time! I feel so wonderful to know i can find myself again,just hope i do soon!!!

  84. What a great article!! I could’ve used this a year or two ago, but only now is the time I feel like I’m actually living it. Only now that he’s recently moved out and I’m on my own do I think I’m starting to resurface. I see glimpses of ME here and there. And the other day I saw a glimpse of HIM. N it made me very sad that we couldn’t do that together so I had a really rough week. N I needed my time alone. But I didn’t get it. And that’s ok because my son needed me more than I needed me. But even in those moments, I still am going thru more resurfacing n seeing more ME come out. N I like me! I really missed being the ME I was between baby #1 & baby # 2! I don’t think I’ll ever remember the Self I was b4 #1, since I was 16, so that’s kind of all I know. But the self who I got to be an adult, that’s the one I’ve missed. Glad to start this resurfacing & really glad to see it’s not just me who’s going thru all this!

  85. Jess says:

    This was just what I needed. It truly soothed my soul on a level I didn’t even know needed soothing!
    I had my number 1 even I was 19, I felt like being a young mother made you have one strike against you from the beginning, because most people think you’re not ready, and you’re not, but I wanted to prove to everyone so badly that I could be that “super mom” I was constantly setting myself up for failure. I’d lose it about once every 6 months thinking I’m not spending enough time with My kid BC I sat down and read a book and didn’t play tic tac toe for 4 hours straight with him. anyways I resurfaced eventually and realized it’s ok to do my thing every once in awhile. I’m now 26 and my husband and I are trying for our number 2 so reading this was a reminder to not lose myself so much this time around! :)

  86. dina massey says:

    Just wanted to say thanks for this article.you just brought tears to my eyes and helped me a lot I don’t feel so alone now.describes what I feel and am going trough.

  87. Mo says:

    Damn, I wish someone told me this when I had my daughter almost 16 years ago. I am mom to a single but suffered from post pardom. It got me good and I can’t even think about the first 3 months without all those emotions of feeling so alone and overwhelmed coming back. My husband was wonderful but thought I “checked out”. No one, including me, had any idea what was happening. I know this article isn’t about post pardom specifically, but just being a new mother is overwhelming and demanding. Great post. Thanks so much for sharing!!

  88. Ashley says:

    I had no idea how to put my feelings after childbirth into words until I read this re-post today. I have one 5 yr old, but this has described exactly how I felt during those first few months… I had horrible PPD, I had great support from my parents but my husband had no idea what was going on and neither did I.,…you have expressed perfectly how we cAn resurface!!!!nThank you

  89. Brigitte says:

    This is the best real post about being a mom!! Thank you, when you are surrounded by “super soccer moms”, thats what I call the moms that try and be perfect, it helps to know that it is ok not to try and be perfect, just be yourself and everything else will be just fine!

  90. Jane says:

    Semi new to your blog. I’ve read probably 7 posts today. This one hit home. My son turns 4 in three days. We are buying out first house. I adopted my 16 year old brother almost 2 years ago. I work full time. I feel like I’m always on and it’s hard to do anything for myself. If I do, I feel guilty. I can’t relax, ever. And even if I feel like I’m almost there, I’m almost back to being me, I lose it again, in all this craziness I lose it again.
    But thank you for letting me know it gets better if you keep trying. That gives me hope.

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