40+ Beauty: Do What you Gotta Do!

When one is young, looking good can be easy. It takes very little work indeed, and even the smallest makeup session can result in a gorgeous look. However, the simple fact of life is, the older you get, the harder you have to work for the beauty you desire. So, with that in mind, here are some great tips to help ensure you look great into your 40s and beyond!

Moisturize!

Without a doubt, this is a tip that everyone should follow, no matter how young or old you are. Our skin is extremely sensitive, and, when exposed to the sun and the elements, can become damaged, wrinkled, and worn. However, if you apply moisturizer and other skin care products daily, you can avoid many of those problems that become apparent the older you get! In fact, simple moisturization can keep you looking young for an extremely long time, rendering your friends jealous and making people wonder if you have found the fountain of youth. Just remember; it’s never too late to start taking care of your skin!

Less is More, Makeup Edition!

Many times, women truly enjoy caking their face in makeup to cover up any perceived flaws in their façade. But, what many don’t know is that heavy makeup can actually age a person. Not only does it make you look like you have something to hide, it can also destroy your skin, and render your natural beauty a thing of the past. So, take our advice. Only lightly apply makeup, and use it sparingly as possible (while following our above step). People will appreciate your natural beauty, and you can ensure your skin stays fresh throughout your life! Plus, there is so much you can do with only a little makeup—just look around, and you’ll see that this is the truth.

Shed those Excess Pounds!

Now, we understand that this is an obvious step; however, it can also be the hardest. Losing weight via traditional routes—i.e dieting, exercise, and more—is one of the hardest things you can do. After all, sometimes you don’t have time to exercise every day, and sometimes it just doesn’t work! So, what can you do to make sure you lose those pounds AND not lose too much time in your busy schedule? Well, liposuction may be the answer for you!

Now, before you balk, just know that liposuction is a lot safer than it once was. Liposuction—with new advancements such as tumescent liposuction and SmartLipo—is any easy alternative to help melt away the pounds and look younger. In just a simple 45 minute to an hour procedure, coupled with a 48 hour recovery period you can be back on your feet with a slimmer figure then before.

Just remember; liposuction can be an intensive procedure, so make sure you get the right surgeon by visiting liposuction.com. We offer the highest quality surgeons around that will ensure you get the results you want, no matter what! Plus, liposuction.com can help you make sure that liposuction is the right route for you to take, and will not lead you astray if it is determined that it is not. So, if you are looking for a great way to lose weight and keep it off, visit liposuction.com to schedule your free consultation. You won’t regret it!

As you know, I have recently turned 40.  The majority of my friends are between the ages of 42 & 49.  There’s some weird stuff that happens when you turn 40.  And I don’t mean “in your 40′s”.  I mean like THE DAY you turn 40.  So, I’m taking it upon myself as a public service to create a new category on HMM for issues and topics that don’t matter until the fateful day you leave your 30′s.  {You’re welcome;}

Today, class.. we are going to talk about Menopause.

I’ve been hearing about this menopause thing for awhile now.   When I was 35, I thought I was pre-menopausal based on the insane, irrational, and unrelenting mood swings I was having.  Lucky for me, that passed.  Many of my friends aren’t so lucky.

One of my girlfriends (48) sweats all day and night and cries at every commercial, good grade, bad grade, victory or defeat.  For two years I’ve begged her to get medicated.   She has not.  Another girlfriend (43) about blasted me out of the theatre the other night fanning herself with the program and kept stealing my cocktail napkins to wipe her brow.  This CANNOT be the next decade of my life.

If you’ve been an HMM reader for a while, you know I suffer from terrible insomnia.  I have for years, but it’s always come in bouts.  A month here, a week there.. ..However, since turning 40, it has been unrelenting.  And, of course, as luck would have it, on the nights that I do manage to fall asleep, I’ve begun to experience night sweats.  Between all that, my immediate need for glasses, the peach fuzz that has magically appeared on my face, and my horrific periods, I decided to learn all I could about menopause and find a magic pill to fix it.  (Y’all know I’m a fan of magic pills.. I’ll try anything, but I want it to be natural.)

The first thing I learned is it that I’m an idiot and it’s not called “pre-menopause”, it’s called “peri-menopause”..  So, see…now we are all smarter.

I remember when my mom went through menopause, but all I specifically recall was that she got real bitchy and broke out like a teenager.  Apparently there was a lot more going on “behind the scenes”.

I have visited countless websites, WebMD, Wikipedia, and more reading up on the inevitable.  I’m going to plagiarize a bit from a site that I believe to have  very clear and concise information and explanations of how menopause effects us and why.  (Don’t worry… I checked with them and I totally have permission!)

According to Amberen.com , “many women misunderstand the process of menopause. Though the term “menopause” is often used as a blanket statement referring to all the stages of menopausal transition, menopause technically isn’t reached until periods have fully stopped for 12 months. Most women enter menopause between the ages of 40 and 55, as their bodies approach the end of fertility and ovulation ceases.”.   So that’s great..we get to enjoy this special hell for 10-15 years.  Super.

Knowing the symptoms:

Among the most common symptoms of menopause are hot flashes, low libido, weight gain or joint aches. Menopausal women may also experience other symptoms including sudden or rapid mood swings, irregular periods, vaginal dryness, brittle fingernails, anxiety, bloating etc.

I’m not going to talk to you about my sex drive or my vagina (I did that last week).  But the rest of it… Lord help me.  And Lord help my family.

A clinical explanation of Hot Flashes:

Hot flashes may be one of the most common and troubling symptoms of menopause and perimenopause.  Hot flashes and night sweats occur in more than two thirds of women in North America. Hot flashes occur when the blood vessels near the skin’s surface dilate in order to cool. This gives a red, flushed look to the face. A woman may also perspire to cool down her body. And some women experience rapid heart rate or chills.

My explanation of Hot Flashes:

Kill me now.  For the love of all that is holy, make it snow in Florida (in April) so I can frolic naked in the cold.

But listen y’all.. it’s not all bad..  You can also look forward to weight gain.  So, there’s that.

The clinical explanation:

As you enter menopause, your ovaries produce less and less estrogen. Since estrogen is vital to many life-sustaining functions, the body looks for other places to get needed estrogen from. Fat cells can produce estrogen, so the body reprograms itself to convert calories into fat to increase estrogen levels.

My explanation:

WHAT. THE. HELL?   My pants fit when I was 39.  I’m not eating more.  I’m not drinking more. (as if THAT would be possible;) WHERE is this belly blubber coming from??

I want to be pro-active.  I want to identify practices, products and life-style options that will benefit me for the long term.  I know that I have to take better care of myself now that I’m 40.  I know that women’s health after 40 is a huge topic and even huger market. I’ve read up on pharmaceuticals, hormone replacement therapies, holistic remedies and everything in between.  While, technically, I do want a “quick fix”, or even better, a quick “make this not happen to me at all..well, except for the periods.. the periods can dry up, but let’s avoid the rest”…  clearly that is not going to happen.   It is important to me to identify products, practices, etc. that not only treat the symptoms.  I want something that will contribute to my overall health and well-being while keeping me half-way sane and fitting into my pants.

Whilst researching how to address the symptoms of menopause systemically, I found the website for Amberen.  {This is not an infomercial folks… I’m just sharing what I’ve learned}.   I’ve only begun recently and will later update on my experience.  Wish me luck and after conducting your own research, see if you think it may be a good fit for you as well.

And since I’m lucky enough to have the symptoms of menopause while still enjoying the special hell that is my period, I’m off to eat a candy bar, donut,    apple.  Dammit.

It’s 7:40 pm.  I have “resurfaced concrete” all day.  I’m tired, dirty, and not very pretty.  I had a hankering for Conundrum (cuz I haven’t had enough of THAT this week) and ran up to the neighborhood liquor store.

• A) I live in the suburbs in a very nice, quaint, older neighborhood
• B) Our liquor store is the size of your living room.
• C) They know me by name.  Which would be embarrassing, but they know everyone by name.

I’m wearing a Million MILF March T-shirt over a jersey dress with flip flops..  It’s not a good look.

I walk in to a dog, 6 other shoppers, a vendor giving away samples of margaritas and vodka, and a pony-tailed man who clearly just came off the river.

I decline a margarita sample, walk straight to the wine cooler to get my wine.  The dog follows me.  I grab my wine, get a bottle of red for Seven and go to check out.   I’m being rung up, look down into my purse to get my wallet, and when I look back up there is DIRTY DIRTY hand in front of my face holding a margarita sample.

Try this MILF..

I look at the river rat, take the sample, say Thanks, and drink it.

I sign the receipt.

Then the river rat tugs my ponytail like I’m in third grade and hand me a shot of vodka.

I looked at him and drank it like a man.

“What are YOU doing tonight pretty lady?”

“Going home to watch a movie with my kids” 

“You aren’t old enough to have kids..  Shit, you probably aren’t old enough to drink…”   laughing..

I wish everyone a good night and walk to my car.

The dog follows me.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.  ?

Me:

And also.. when I was bar-tending downtown, there was this homeless man whom I loved.  He was batshit crazy.. Like, really crazy.  But I loved him.  Sometimes when you work in a city, you either take the same train, same subway or walk the same streets.. and you see the same homeless people day after day.. you can ignore them or talk to them.  I ignored some, and talked to some..  This man.. he called himself  Dr. John..   I talked to all of the time.  I gave him money, I bought him food, I bought him drinks, and occasionally I would buy him coffee and listen while he talked…

He loved music.. Most of all he loved jazz and blues.  There was (is) a band called Blues Traveler.   They were opening for Cheryl Crow, who I  was going to see.  I had extra money and  the show was close to where he slept , so I bought him a ticket.  He was soo grateful.   I told him I would buy him 2 beers.   He had his 2 beers and then came back with a third.  I said “Dr. John!  Where did you get that drink??“   and he said “it was on top the urinal.. someone left a perfectly good beer there, can you believe it?”

The boys laughed….

“Mommy! Did he drink pee????”

NO!!  Well, I don’t think so… I think he just apparently was not concerned with germs..  Anyhoo..  he  had the BEST time… he danced and frolicked and loved the music.  It was the 90′s and people wore overalls back then.  I was wearing a tube top under overalls with combat boots. (it was a good look..don’t judge)..  Dr. John was so grateful for the experience he kept hugging me… and then every-time I turned my head, I could smell homeless on my shoulder….     At the end of the concert he invited me and your aunt Sue back to his “fire” so he could repay us by cooking us breakfast.. He was very proud cuz he had 2 eggs.   We declined.. So he reached into his pocket and came up with 2 crackers, a few peanuts, and some lint…  ”anyone want a cracker?”…   we thanked him and said no…

The boys were mesmerized by the story.

So, do ya’ll understand why I told you this story?

Yeah..  never eat crackers from a homeless person’s pocket.

Uh.. well.. that’s a good lesson too… but I’m trying to tell you that sometimes people need something… anything…  and if  you have the means to give it and get nothing in return, you just do it. … sometimes you do stuff for others just because it feels good and you will remember it 20 years later.

And also don’t eat homeless cracker or drink urinal water?

{sigh}.. yeah… and that…

Number Two is 10.  I’m not sure how this happened.  I’m not one to lament over the “baby days”.. I like my boys just as they are.  But Number One will be a TEENAGER this year and Number Two is double digits…. Number Three is only 15 months behind that…  In another 2 years I won’t even have “boys”… I’ll have “tweens” and a “teen”.  ugh.

I tend to go overboard with birthdays.  When they were younger, I’d have ridiculously elaborate parties.  As they got a bit older, they got a choice between a weekend at a resort or a party.  Numbers One & Three always choose the resort.  Number Two always chooses a party.  His best friend lives across the street , is the same age, and has the same birthday.  He never wants to have a birthday without his buddy.  This year, I booked the resort and the other family (who I love and who also have 3 boys) came with us.   Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

We kicked off his birthday weekend with dinner at my parents.  Number Two requested boiled crabs and jambalaya.. (that’s my boy)..  While that was wonderful, I had to scour the city for crabs.  Then deal with them.  It’s documented.  And it ain’t pretty.

We skipped school on Friday, checked into the resort early and didn’t leave until Sunday afternoon.  4 adults, 6 boys between the ages of 5 & 12, and a very large bar tab.

This was my Facebook status Saturday morning.

 Dropped my room key in the ice machine. Got my hand stuck trying to retrieve it and almost had to 911 the front desk. All totally sober. U cannot make this shit up folks….

Sunday, (his actual birthday) we checked out of the hotel, headed to the theatre to see CATS.  It was his birthday..  I bought front row seats.

This was my Facebook status Sunday.

Life lesson– do not book front row seats to CATS..(or any show with Lycra costumes)… The kids are getting an anatomy lesson rivaled only by a strip club. And so am I. I didn’t know vaginas came in so many different shapes, and I can’t even talk about the wieners.

Follow up to my previous post: my mom call me in th car on way home from play… The call is on the car speaker..
Mom: Can u believe how amazing their voices were??
Me: they were incredible. I only wish I was sitting in the balcony so I could have focused more on the voices and less on the foreskins. And labias–both major and minor.
My kids: {snort, snort, gasp, giggle}

Followed shortly by:

Veins Y’all.  I saw veins.  Weiner. veins.

 

Here are the pics.. (of the weekend.. not the weiner veins) .. In no particular order.

omg y’all. This is a roll with hunks of BACON baked inside. AND served with butter.

Number Two at 2

Number Two and Number Three

Number Two at 6 months

My boys..

As Karma generally does… I (who almost never get zits) got 2 the next day. One was little. One was not.

I went to my parents tonight for dinner. (Let’s keep in mind that I am 40 years old)

My Mom: What’s on your face??

Me: It’s a zit, Mom.

My Mom: Oh my God..

then yells to my sister

Go get an extra chair! D brought a friend to dinner…

And THAT,my friends, is how I lived my teenage years.. If we got a pimple, my mom would set another plate at the table and ask us throughout the meal..

“What’s your friends name? Is it hungry? It looks like it could eat a whole burger”

Explains a lot, huh?

Had lunch today with 2 guys I’ve been friends with since high school.  With 3 families, 3 jobs, and 3 drinking habits, we don’t see each other as much as we’d like.  Our lunch convo went a little something like this.

Me:  I’ll have another glass of wine please

Guy1: I can’t have a drink.  I have a way important meeting.

Guy2:  same here

Me:  Whatever.. that sounds like poor planning to me.  I’m not afraid to drink alone.

Guy1: Uh.. yeah. cuz we were supposed to have lunch TOMORROW which worked for everyone until you changed it.

Me:  Listen… my roots are grey and my hair girl could get me in at noon tomorrow.  So suck it.

Guy2:  Really?  Your conflict was a hair appointment??

Me:  Dude.. can you see me?  I’m 40 years old and I’m wearing a fucking headband.

Guys 1&2:   bwahahawwahhhhaaaa..

Me:  I need to stop on the way home and buy some blue crabs for Number Two’s birthday dinner tomorrow.

Guys: {giggle}.. you said ‘crabs’

Me:  Yep..  I’m going home after lunching with you fucks with nothing but a buzz and a couple dozen crabs.

In unison:  Just like high school!!!!!

And then my dad texted me and told me that I had to make sure no crabs were upside down since we aren’t cooking them until tomorrow..  The next 20 minutes went a little something like this:

But then I did it anyway..  In the presence of my kids,  my dog, my sister and her kids..   Enjoy

March, as you know.. was a BIG Month.. New Orleans, Savannah and Saint Simons Island. And 6 pounds gained.. Here is the pictorial in no certain order.. Worth every ounce

We had a leak in our kitchen.  It was apparently  a “slow leak” which is the poison apple of all leaks…  causes damage before you even know it’s there.  My kitchen floors are now buckled.  I filed an insurance claim and it was all pretty painless.  The kitchen floors were old and I’m not attached.

Except for the damage is not just in my kitchen.  It’s in my office.  And playroom.  And the floors I have throughout the rest of the house will now have to be replaced.  I LOVE my floors.  LOVE THEM.  Took me months to find them, had to have them special ordered and spent a fuckton of money on them.  And 6 years later, I still love them.. scratches and all.

And now I have to pick new ones.  And it’s giving me an ulcer.   Of course, the manufacturer of my current floors who was in business for 85 years, has since closed down so I have to start from total scratch.   Let me tell y’all something about me…  I HATE this stuff…  I do not want to ponder details…

I buy cars sight unseen as long as they have the features I want.. I don’t care about color or interior or finishes.  I just don’t.

I told the contractor   “Please just do it.  Just do it.  I do not want to deal with 10 different people, I do not want to negotiate and haggle.. I don’t have the time…  Just do it… do it right… and do it in this budget..  Please. ”

And he’s great and he will.  But I still have to choose flooring.  Travertine tile for the kitchen and a comparable wood for the rest of the house.  And while many of you would get a lady boner (or man boner..;) from shopping and choosing and comparing….  I do not.  My lady boner is a wet noodle.  Elephant trunk.  Deflated balloon.  I have lady impotence.   And they don’t make little blue pills to cure this ailment.  I don’t need a little blue pill.  I need someone to make these decisions for me.  Someone who knows exactly what I want before I do.  Someone who will make the time to shop and browse and research.  Someone who will just MAKE THIS HAPPEN while I work and deal with my own life.

Oh my God…. I need a wife.

As I posted last week, I’ve hired a cleaning service.  I’m pretty fracking happy about it too.

Returning to my uber clean house the other day reminded me of our first house.  And our first maid.  The maid that Seven didn’t know we had.

The story goes a little something like this:

Seven & I both worked full time.   We had two kids under 2 1/2.   We had enough money to pay our bills, but nothing extra.  I was so busy, I was so tired…  I worked days and he worked til 11 at night.  We saw each other a few hours a week.

I hired a maid.  She came on Wednesday afternoons when I went to my parents for dinner.  She scrubbed the shit out of my house.. It was ridiculously clean.  Now, mind you.. Seven had been dating and/or married to me for YEARS.  I’m no Suzy Homemaker.  All of a sudden, our house is a disaster for 6 days a week, but when he gets home on Wednesday nights it is pristine.

He never said a word about it.

One Wednesday night, he got off work early and was going to have beers with some friends.

Hey Honey.. I’m cutting out early.. gonna go meet John for a couple beers if you don’t need me.

Nope.. That’s great..  You’re going straight downtown, right?

I’m gonna run by the house real quick and change.  Are you home?

I’m not home..  don’t go change!! That’s ridiculous… You never get to go out.. just go straight downtown.

I don’t want to go out in dress clothes.. I’m gonna go grab some jeans.

I really think you should just go straight out!!  Make the most of your night!!

I’m almost home…  I’ll call you later, okay?

Okay..  but, hey babe??

Yeah?

Ummm.. if you walk in the house and there is a small Hispanic woman with a mop, don’t shoot her.. She’s our maid..   I’ll see ya later..

He pulled into our driveway and our neighbor across the street (a single guy, our age, friend of ours) was out front.

Dude.. Did you know we had a maid? 

Yeah man.  I use her too. 

How long has this been going on?? 

hmmm.. ’bout a year..  

Poor Seven. . About a year after this, he went to Panama.  When he returned I had sold our house and bought another.  I’m not a team player.

“There was a lizard in my pants at the game”

The rest is documented below.  You are welcome;)

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Seven & I bicker all of the time.  We are both sarcastic and snarky with a little mean mixed in for good measure.  We don’t FIGHT a lot, we argue occasionally, but mostly it’s bickering where one or both of us is giggling throughout.

Yesterday, however, we ARGUED.  Please bear witness to our argument.

Scene: 

I’m in the middle of a fucktillion things and trying to get showered and out of the house before the maids come.  Seven calls..“Hey, the sprinkler guy is on his way over there, you need to show him where everything is”    Assuming that Seven is at his office 45 minutes away, I said “Shit.. okay.. let me go.. I’ve got to jump in the shower and finish up my shipments before the ladies come”    I did NOT know that he was calling me from the Starbucks three miles away.  So, I rush around, don’t wash my hair, scramble scramble, and Seven and the sprinkler guy arrive at the same time.

How’d you get here? 

I was at Starbucks.

You CALLED me to do this and you were at Starbucks?  Really??   {grunt, sigh, exhale, eye roll}

A few hours later….

You know, that was really selfish of you this morning.  I had a million things going on.. I understand if you were at the office, but you seriously called me from Starbucks to handle an issue so you could finish up your fucking Chai Latte??

I drink plain coffee.

You’re a dick. 

Hey Hey Hey!! {hands up and waving}  don’t act like I didn’t do anything today!! I got up early with Number Three to finish his homework!!

Yeah.. I know.. that’s called PARENTING… you don’t get extra credit for being a PARENT.  Millions of people do it every day. 

Do you get extra credit for being a jackass?  Cuz if so, you’d have straight A’s.

I may have straight A’s but you’d be the fucking Valedictorian of the entire Jackass Academy.

And that is how we fight.

March has been a big month.  I’ve travel, eaten and drank through New Orleans, Savannah and Saint Simons.  We’ve had family birthdays, school events and Spring Break.  I’ve spent a shitton of money and gained a shitton of weight.   I’ll be posting “March- A pictorial” soon.

Today is Easter.  The last day of the month.  The holiest day of the year.

Whilst at Sunrise service this morning, I was seated next to an elderly gentleman who required assistance getting up and down from his chair during the mass.  At one point, when I bent down to help him, my button on my pants popped.  And flew out to the chair in front of me.

So, while I am feeling blessed and at peace and happy that this month is nearly over so I can get back on the horse and lose these extra March pounds……  what I really keep thinking is that my GUNT has developed a mind of it’s own and is going rogue.   Be afraid.  Be very afraid.