Hot Mess Mom » Antics, Ramblings » “Your vagina is on my hand” (and other tales from the hair salon)
“Your vagina is on my hand” (and other tales from the hair salon)
Love Love Love getting my hair did. Love my stylist. Love my color. Love the wine.
And then, there are the people.
A trip to the salon is always a study in sociology. I spend half of my appointment texting my stylist observations and judgements that cannot be said aloud. (This may be why my appointments are four hours).
The sylists themselves are a special breed. There’s The Vampiress, The Biker, Agidor Sparticus, The Girl Next Door, McBoobsAlot, and the Plastic Cougar, just to name a few. It’s a motley crew. But the staff is NOTHING compared to the patrons.
There’s always some girl with 80′s hair coming to get a $75 haircut from a guy with a mullet. Or the ones with the bleach blond fried and frizzy perms asking for an even lighter shade of trashbag. (These special souls are generally wearing black hose with open toed black pumps, fyi.. it’s quite a look). And, of course, my favorites are the teenage girls who come in with their mothers for a $300 color/ cut/ extension appointment and only look up from their iPhones long enough to complain about something, request a RedBull, and speak to their mothers like they are the help. I really love those girls. And their moms. They’ve got it right. My mom totally failed me as a teen by making me ride my bike to Super Cuts… What a bitch.
But nothing is as eventful as my salon neighbors. Without fail, EVERY FRACKING time I am there, there is some whackadoodle nutjob in the chair next to me. Talking. Incessantly talking. OVER the sound of the hairdryer. Crazy political stances, first dates after 40, divorce, sex, ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends…. doesn’t matter…. whoever is seated next to me is always a few sandwiches short of a picnic and insists on spreading their blanket right next to mine.
On my last visit, I was getting my hair washed and the woman next to me kept talking and talking to the hair washer about her daughter and what dress she wanted for a Christmas party. And then the food at the party. And then the guest list. And then back to dress fabric. LOUDLY enough so we could all hear her over the water in our own ears. My stylist came to check on me….
“you okay?”
“you mean besides the fact that my ears are bleeding and I’m about to slit my throat with a nail file? Yeah, I’m fine”.
And then she has to run away so we don’t get the giggles.
I have a lot of hair. A lot. It’s long. And full. And grey. It takes awhile to get that mop tamed and red. I generally want to run out when the color is done and she generally bullies me into staying until I’m pretty. The next hour usually goes a little something like this:
Her: Be still!
Me: Stop it! You’re hurting me and you’re burning my fucking ear off!
Her: oh my God..
Me: My eyebrows look crazy.. Are you sure the color should still be on them?
Her: No, I’m not, because it’s my first day ever doing hair and I clearly have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.
Me: So, they’re good then?
Her: I’m going to get you some more wine.
Me: Okee do kee… Hurry back.
Me: WHY are you pulling my hair???
Her: WHY don’t you own a fucking brush at home?
Me: Because I don’t need one since I never brush my hair.
Her: And THAT is why I have to pull it now…. because it’s full of knots and it’s a disaster.
Me: Well, it fucking hurts and you’re eating away at your tip.
Her: YOU’RE eating away at the tip.
US: {{giggle giggle snort giggle}}
Her: I’m almost done.. be still, let me get the front.
Me: Dude, your vagina is on my hand.
Her: oh, sorry. Move your hand.
Me: No. My hand is on the armrest. WHERE IT BELONGS. Move your vagina!
US: {{giggle giggle giggle snort giggle}}
And so on and so forth…..
I have an appointment next week… I’ll keep y’all posted if you click that banner below! ;)
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I’m brand new to your blog….just starting reading yesterday. I found a link to your blog from some random news site I was reading. So glad I found it though!! Hilarious stuff & makes my work day go much faster. Yeah, I’m at work reading this shit!! I love my job. LOL.
I agree with you 100%. I am a first timer too and I think she is so funny!!
ah.. thanks girls!
Didn’t you mean to say “hair done”? Not, “hair did”?
nope… i absolutely meant to say “getting my hair did”….
Not sure if you saw my response. New to this blogging thing. You are my first.
Don’t worry, I got that you meant to say “did” on purpose
Oops…okay.. I am sorry. I am brand new to blogging, you are my first. I get a kick out of Hot Mess Mom…I have really been thinking I am the only one that is off my rocker…have you read “SH*TTY MOM” yet???? Thank you for sharing what you share!
My MOST favorite!
SH*TTY MOM???? My mom got it for me for Christmas….it is sooo funny, quite the page turner.
Hilarious! I need a salon stylist bestie I can say the word vagina in front of. I always get the 19-yr olds with zero personality. And my worst fear is that my sons will be dating those princessy teenage bitches on their iPhones in the not-too-distant future.
They serve wine at your salon??? Are they taking new clients…
something you should know about me….. I don’t go ANYWHERE that doesn’t serve wine.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I do try and arrange my schedule around wine….is that a bad thing?
There seems to be a “theme” with Vagina’s blogs today. Have you ever read The Blogess? Oh she is funny. I link to her blog today if that’s ok…
http://thebloggess.com
OMG….thank you for the best laugh that I have had in a long time. The Agidor Sparticus reference was what sent me over the edge! I look forward to everyone of your blogs!!!
How long did you sit there without yanking your hand out from under the vagina? Seriously who just lets it hang out there? Are you really a guy? LOL
I think your secretly Seven and just post pic’s of your hot wife to fool us. Since you are such a professional scam artist (sorry couldn’t help tying that in!) HeHe!
i love my girl!! she’s short.. i’m tall.. she had to tippie toe to reach my hair and straddled the arm rest which left her vag on her hand. I never moved it.. It was like vagina chicken…… she moved first, but it took some bullying
Lolol…I need to go to your salon; mine only serves herbal teas haha.. Very funny! I’m a new mommy blogger and your blog is awesome. I voted for you :0) Check out my blog http://www.swampedmommy.com. I’ll be back.
thank you! and welcome! i’ll be visiting you and checking you out on FB
Thanks! I will be coming back as we’ll! Your comments are just as goog as your posts lol.
Oh dear goog= good ha
I’m a hairdresser and own my own salon up in Wasilla, Alaska and your blog cracked me up!! So true about all the different types of hairdressers and clients. I have always wanted to blog about my day and all the craziness that goes down but I’m afraid my clients would stop coming!
Hubby, son and I were eating Lasagna last night and I had to mention your vagina story. Because my husband is so used to going to his “happy place” whenever I go off on my “special” kind of conversations (which is often), he ignored my story and commented that he wanted italian sausage in his lasagna. My son replied with “you want italian sausage in your vagina”. I almost shot my beer out of my nose.
i found your blog last week and i LOVE it. you are hilarious and you make my work day a breeeeeeeeze. thanks for your awesome site and a look into what i can expect in being a mother.
OMG! I sooooooooooooo need to spend a Saturday with you!! Way overdue.
okay…. this post rocks!
I sent this to my hair dresser, I just pee’d a little…
I love this post! You crack me up!!
Carrie
AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! I’m dying laughing! Stumbled on your site somehow and I’m dying.
priceless.dying laughing.
Went to a new salon last night and the stylist and I hit it off. I told her about this blog post and how funny shit happens in salons. Then I told her I’d come back to her if I can yell at her if her vagina is ever on my hand. We laughed like hyenas and she said it’s a deal. Yay!
that is fucking awesome. and imperative to a good hand/head/ stylist/ client/ hand/ vagina relationship.
Lol I had to read this post again after seeing u on the news tonight-It cracks me up everytime!!!
lmao
and I would like to note that I did not lose at the game of vagina chicken, I believe u pulled ur hand away first! That was when u informed that it’s called an ARM rest not a vagina rest
My Average salon= wine or champagne, appt’s lasting all afternoon …. Gotta love that.
,
Oh hell! AVEDA….
lol!