Hot Mess Mom » Tuesdays with Gooley » Tuesday’s with Gooley- Episode 20
Tuesday’s with Gooley- Episode 20
{disclaimer: some new readers have not realized that I am NOT Gooley.. On Tuesdays my friend Gooley guest posts. These are HIS stories. His life. His Antics. Every other post on this blog is written by me. EXCEPT for the ones titled “Tuesday’s with Gooley” Please don’t ever mistake MY messiness for his.. I am clean and I smell good}
Please allow me to (re)introduce myself…(I’m a man of Dichotomous Ooze.)
I feel as though I need to clear up a few things and figure out where I stand. I’m hyperaware that some of my antics, perhaps most, are far off the radar and frequency of a mommy blog. I aim to be entertaining…in doing so I use my life and “image” as fodder and create cartoons to paint word pictures of whatever it is that strikes me….and then I have fun assembling words to make an impact. It’s become a creative outlet and an escape. Mostly, I (the Gooley that wakes up, drinks coffee, pays bills and does chores like everybody else) stand aside as an observer and allow whatever character that possesses me to run wild and type with reckless abandon.
This has me plagued and perplexed of late. I’ve read through my posts…all of them. Am I crazy? How can the guy on a spiritual journey who dances with crows end up chugging vodka and getting high during a tropical storm while playing quarters with teenagers?
Here’s how. (I was just about to explain why with great wisdom and profundity. Instead, I stare at the pulsating cursor for minutes realizing I truly don’t know. Flow interrupted.)
What I do know is that I have an open mind and open heart. I’ve learned that ego is a terrible trap and the more I practice letting go of attachment to ego, I’m free to experience this life without shackles. I do this quite well….and aim to get better. The rewards of this practice have allowed me to sidestep a prescribed path making way for a life that is in alignment with my evolving spirit. For this I am grateful.
So who am I? (In this moment…even more “hyperaware” of how much this post is all about me…narcissistic and free from ego. HUH??). This all points to what is really bothering me in this moment… making me struggle and grasp for every word. I HAVE A VERY DIFFICULT TIME ANSWERING THIS SIMPLE QUESTION.
I’m also about to get on a plane and go to my 25th high school reunion in Kansas City where I will have to answer this question over and over again to a bunch of people I barely remember and haven’t seen since graduation. Most of them remember me as a relatively normal, mild mannered, quiet guy that “fit in” and would have likely lived out the myth of the American Dream. I’ve changed A LOT. I don’t show my ideals, philosophies, and eccentricities on the outside so classmates will at first look at me and see a comfortable, presentable older version of who I was… until they ask the inevitable questions.
Are you married? Do you have any kids? What are you doing these days? Etc. etc.
I dread this… Not because I have any shame or misgivings about the man I am today. I’m proud as hell! The dread comes from the energy and time it takes to explain me! I’m a curve ball. I’m a mutation. I’m a challenge – not an overt, in your face challenge; but my truth, levied in earnest; takes time to integrate and dissolve. When this happens, more often than not I am welcomed and loved warmly and absolutely. In the Midwest, this process may take much longer. It’s exhausting!! And I’m not sure I give a rat’s ass about how these chips may fall. All I see is the myriad of moments where my truth may knock the mild mannered wife and mother of three across the room unable to pull herself together to be requisitely polite. Her safe suburban cloud annihilated by the authenticity of my presence. I may have gone to prom with her, or had a crush on her – or her on me. Who knows? I dread the 50 separate awkward conversations like this. Then there’s the rumor mill. I’m not paranoid… I just know how this game works and don’t want to play it. Again, it’s exhausting.
So why am I making this pilgrimage back to re-visit a time in my life where I was mostly numb, emotionless, and “unformed?” The answer, other than a common inner call to honor chronological signposts, is more important and will hopefully serve to help me further integrate those dichotomous parts that are still swimming around in the ooze.
There was a very important family that opened their doors and hearts to me during this period of my life. It’s difficult to express, even in this moment where I have accrued a level of maturity, just how much I appreciate their influence. I need to express to them, in person, the enormous impact they had on my life. It will probably be a surprise to them. It doesn’t matter. It needs to be done. The Gottliebs. They showed me that it is possible to be alive! I know that sounds silly and requires more time and words to elaborate fully, but it’s very true. I lived in a home where emotions and spirit were suppressed in such a toxic way. This beautiful, loving, enthusiastic family offered me a glimpse outside of a “white picket fence” path that my family PRETENDED to portray. I witnessed the Gottliebs being REAL. They fought. They yelled. They loved. They accepted. They did not judge. They loved.
This glimpse was my foot in the door; the wedge that parted worlds and allowed me to bend reality just enough to see outside of my social and generational modeling. The power of this families love and authenticity opened a door. I walked in the door and kept walking into other rooms, caves, and catacombs. Eventually I ran through doors with ease and grace. Some I broke down with the force of a Gorilla. The important thing to note is that I would never have done this without this VERY IMPORTANT glimpse at an uber-impressionable moment in my existence.
Wow. I’m all over the place here. I began this post determined to describe all of the various sundry ways in which I am so vastly different from everyone else. BLAH BLAH. I somehow ended up, after a few cocktails, blathering about my teenage insecurities and those important folks from that era who made ME possible. Fortunately – or unfortunately – it’s late Monday night and I’ve had a few vodkas. I would edit this into something that would coalesce but, fuck it, It’s just a blog post. I just hope some of you are still reading. I will always be all over the place. I will always be real. I may not continue this “experiment” much longer as my hyperawareness is informing me that these waves are breaking on a shore far below mommy blog land.
And that’s ok:)
Footnote from HMM: God, I love this man. He’s feeling like he’s gone off track with his blog posts of late and that maybe Tuesday’s with Gooley has run it’s course. I disagree. I cannot make him continue, but I want him to. Do you? Show him the love… comment… discuss… we all need validation… especially us uber-messes… 
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Filed under: Tuesdays with Gooley
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Dearest Gools~ I love you. I love your stories. I love your writing. I love your journey and I love your heart.
Keep writing. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to write..just write. Your mind is a labrynth of disfunction…. you will never run out of material. EVER.
xoxoxo
I love you. Your honesty is refreshing. Don’t stop writing – my Tuesday wouldn’t be complete without you. xo’s
You can’t stop…I’m so looking forward to reading your 9/11/12 Episode
You are so normal. I feels like you’re trying to rationalize your strange life and insecurities while not realizing that we all feel like this at some point in our lives. Of course we have varying degrees of fuckeduppery but we’ve all been there. Keep writing, or don’t, please keep in touch. You’ve made crater sized impressions on some of us (me) and I would miss you. And your muscles. That I want to lick.
Please don’t stop! You are a breath of fresh air. Your honesty is beautiful thing. Your vulnerability in this honesty is even better. Your journey is relevant. Don’t stop!
You can’t stop writing!! I check out your blog first thing Tuesday mornings in order to spend a few moments with you!!
Cheers to the Gottlieb’s thats awesome Jim. I am trying to figure out this thing with you Jim. Its called life and its scary. While making funny you may feel it a little disingenous in making a caricature of yourself all the time. We understand the great human being inside it warrants no explanation. Personally I would absolutely hate myself sometimes if I could not laugh at myself. This forum is for enetertainment most of all yours. An outlet with no boundaries. If you feel that its run its course then so be it. You are one of the finest men I have ever known and you never need to explain yourself. I get it though….It takes me a long time these days to develop true friendships…I have enough so to speak and they know me! I think I ran into this sort of problem here on this board
. You can find a little different direction though I think…Instead of examining,dissecting and humbly offering your ooze for consumption apply it more…Its simpler and lighter. For instance…Do you like Chimps? Did I ever tell you I hate chimps more then anything? Just slightly more then a chimp owner….Give us your takes on stupid shit..Did you see that lawyer who just got fined $250 for licking his 22 year old clients ear during her divorce hearing? Speaking of ears what about Mike Tysons stand up routine he is doing? Who would you like to read 50 Shades of Greys audiobook version? Maybe Tony Montana or Sean Connery? How bout Fat Bastard? Hoist the banner Jim and rip those horny little hussy housewives that are reading that diarrhea on paper. Dawn started reading it this weekend and is on book two now (FKN BS) 
Mostly kidding! Anyway sorry to be so verbose Hot Mom Mess but I felt it needed at this critical point and did not want to leave anything out…Also I think most read and few comment Jim …
wo.. you and I just totally agreed on something. Is Hell frozen?
I told him the same.. write about the ticks by the pond, or Big Ball’s choice for dinner…doesn’t always have to mean something.. and certainly shouldn’t put so much pressure on him. {and the life of a blogger is lonely…. comments are few and far between ;}
We agree on most things I bet
Well except if you have or even like Chimps….Polar Bear or Chimp? I will take my chances with the bear! Lion or chimp? Bring the cat on bitches!!
Dearest Gooley…please don’t leave us!! I think you are being to hard on yourself. Most of the people that read this blog probably fancy themselves a mess and from one mess to another I personally enjoy reading about your weekend in Florida or your weekend with your friend who doesn’t like sublime. If people read your blog on the regular they realize you are vastly more dimensional than just a vodka chugging stoner. We are all on a journey and you (and HMM) have the balls to put it all out there. Own it.
Good luck in Kansas….not all of us mothers in the midwest would be taken back by you.
Not enough people recognize and honor the journey, Gooley. We are the culmination of our lives, the good, the bad, the vodka’d. When I went to my 20th reunion, I went with my partner and w/o hesitation introduced her to everyone as my my girlfriend. In Gainesville, FL…with the locals. I had no idea how some of my old classmates would respond – high school had been miserable – but was received with smiles and open arms. There is something sorta validating about going back…even when it reminds us that our homes (heart & hearth) have changed locale. It seems to me like you have found your home, and are constantly stretching and embracing that space. I love hearing about it. Don’t stop. I hope one day to get to meet you…and see the Hot Mess again…don’t think I’ll be making it to NOLA
I agree with Doc McNuts. Chimps are evil. Did you see the one on the news yesterday?? They are evil beasts.
As a Mid-West Suburban housewife, I hope that those at your reunion surprise you by not being douches. I know I held my first reunion up in my mind of what it would be and it was nothing like I thought it would be. I hope it’s a pleasant surprise for you!
As for continuing to blog for us, you have a very unique voice that would be missed. It doesn’t need to be a torturous inward look. As HMM said, just write!…but your style, humor, and free form would be missed…yes – even by us mid-west suburbanites.
Thanks everyone! I just poured coffee into my Tuesdays with Gooley mug..it certainly runneth over with love. And a smidge if ooze. There will always be ooze.
I’ll keep writing. I find it interesting…perhaps worthy of a blog post…why I spill so freely in a public forum. Even my family doesn’t know me this well!
The degree of support and freedom I receive here is the biggest surprise of all.
Oh… I love chimps. Even the face eating ones. They are my kin:)
NO00000000……..A Chimp will kill you for emotional reasons or for reasons that you do not know. Other animals will kill you because of territorial instincts mostly. These fears are real and not because the ones at Lowery Park used to throw their shit on my brother and I. What I am telling you may save a life! That cute little chimp will lift your face off one day I swear. Please Jim dont do this to me…
I hate to do this…Warning graphic!http://youtu.be/wgS0KgT5APc but this is serious…http://youtu.be/a-DQ0sqmRgw
The reason chimps will kill you is because they most resemble humans. Humans also will kill you for emotional reasons or for reasons that you do not know. I’m with the Chimps… they’ll “cut a bitch!”
true dat… i’d take a chimp over a pissed off ME any day
Gools… I have a feeling you are more similar to many than you may realize. And this may be why your voice resonates so passionately with the mommies on this blog. We struggle… all of us, to find meaning in the mundane. I think it is a coming of age story. Your humanness is alive and well in your dichotomous ooze. It is more scary to hear of a person who has no questions or fears or feelings. The scary ones are the ones behind the picket fences. It’s the fence jumpers that have the freedom to express and learn and experience and laugh and teach others along the way that it is okay to step outside of the property line. That’s why it is refreshing to hear that outside of our mommy worlds, and minivans and 2 kids 2 dogs, a cat a husband and an occasional fish (or wild bear) life exists and continues and experiences happen. We can live vicariously through your stories. This is why HMM is so popular, and why we love her with intensity.
Shit, now I’m rambling.
Cheers to your honesty and to your ooze (even the smelly ooze).
Can’t wait to see you in a few weeks.
“Fence Jumpers”??? Love it!!!
Ann…I can’t wait either. I’ll wear deoderant and give you a big hug:)
Gooley, I’m from Kansas City and I would not only not judge you but embrace you, laugh with you and buy you a big stiff drink. You are practically perfect in every way as Mary Poppins would say. Perfect in your inperfection. Have fun and relax.
You can’t stop! It would b wrong and we would all b sad and even more “lost” and dysfunctional than before u joined the messy blog. Don’t leave us!
I
am
a
validation
whore.
You all are awesome. Especially the chimps.
Thanks again.
Now that THAT’s settled.. .I don’t want to hear any more whining from your perty mouth.
Jim if I really thought for a minute this was about validation I would have still served you a portion . Howard Stern threatens to leave his show every year and his fans rally. This humble admission by you is endearing to your fans no doubt. Ann and Hot Mom Mess …Mark Wahlberg will not aid in your rescue. Neither will Magic Mike…So get real….Jim was kidding! He and I are neanderthals properly written neandertal for where they were discovered in Germany. We are knuckledragging nincompoops when ya boil it all down…You can trust us though…dont trust our cousin the chimp!
Gooooooooley, Noooooooooooooooooo! Please don’t quit! I so look forward to reading you every week.
Oh my God…..
This is validation overkill. I take back my comment about licking your muscles. It’s just too much now.
I look forward to reading you and enjoy your humor! Thanks.
Quit Tuesday with Gooley? What are you nuts? It’s the highlight of my Tuesday for god’s sakes, and that’s with a few Miller Lites in me.
Gooley… I am not gong to write a long ass post that tells you how wonderful I think your post are or that you shouldn’t stop writing them. I am simply going to say “I love your post and don’t stop”
I think you both need a radio show….. with call-ins
My thought is it might be a good thing to think about letting go of the need for labels. We are all multidimensional (thank goodness) and that includes you. If I was asked to slap a label on myself every single day, it would never look the same. I don’t see a need for you to take the exhaustive approach to telling people your story at the reunion, and I’m sorry that is something that you are choosing to give so much power to. Are the people that are in heterosexual relationships worried about questions that will come their way at the reunion regarding their sexuality? I would say no. And those people that ask you to explain yours are people you don’t need to be investing your energy into. If people interrogate you on not being married or having children, it should be you who is knocked across the room trying to gather the gumption to be requisitely polite. You’re different than you were in high school? Cool. It’s called growth and coming into your own. You are such a cool, kick ass person, which is why I love reading what you write and the same reason I love reading what Hot Mess mom writes. I would prob. feel self conscious talking to you at a high school reunion because on the surface, my life is so banal. I think you’d find me boring because you’ve danced with crows and I’ve just looked at them. Just chill my brother…chill and keep writing.
i love you the most. for reals..
Brenda.
I want to meet you!
You write…right:)
and you are right. I am the first to diffuse need for labeling AND still give it energy.
Therefore I have room to grow! And resolve.
Good.
I love that you’re a little weird (aren’t we all?) and are willing to show it (not many are).
Down with pretense!
gooley, you have pealed away more layers, grown, searched for answers and stepped out of comfort zones more than almost anyone i know to know what makes you happy. As much as i enjoy your posts and want them to continue, i am not the one that has to sit down and come up with something every week. i know i dont have to tell you this but if something is not making you happy, you need to do what does make you happy. I can tell you that you put a smile on lots of faces every tuesday, but make sure yours is still there too.
oh yeah, as for the 25 year… if there is anyone there you really care about they already know you, the rest… fk’em, does their opinion really matter? i am sure there will be more conversation about the fact that you are 40+ and the only guy there shredded than anything else. enjoy your dominion over the portly bald haters, sucks to be them.
i believe that is the first time the word “portly” have ever been used on HMM. Well done.
Joe Dee…thanks. I can always break out into a most muscular pose if words elude me.
And I will keep writing. It’s fun!!
Be careful about assumptions…….not all Mid-West, suburban, mothers of three are close minded. I realize you are just stereotyping/generalizing, but it’s still condescending. You seem to be guilty of the same type of judging that you are afraid with happen to you.
Fair enough
my forecasting is more a function of my reticence than what I imagine will actually happen. I have a tendency for negative future fantasy. Rarely does it ever play out.
We’ll see…I’ll see and most likely have material for next post.
I read every week and don’t think I’ve posted a reply before… I love the beautiful pictures you paint in my head with your words… Your musings are entertaining for sure but you express it with such eloquence and style:-) I would truly miss you if you left..