Tuesdays with Gooley~~ Episode 2

Big Balls, HippieJethro,and Diesel Jesus – The reverse Beverly Hillbillies

 I’m on my second wild Turkey and there was a run on BubbaKush at the brownie dispensary, so not really sure where this is going. Follow at your own risk. (Remember – no structure).
Big Balls is a Bad ass – It’s true.  He scares people and I watch in amazement.  Once a man honked at Big Balls in the Whole Foods parking lot - a big mistake.  Shit got real quick in the Whole Foods parking lot. Big Balls put his car in reverse, hit the gas and slammed the shit out of the other car.  Then parked and calmly wrote his insurance information for the shocked emo-rocker with black eye makeup.   He tossed it on the guys seat and said  “you know why I did that? Cuz your a dickhead. “   I was as mortified as I was curious.  We then walked into the market for our portobello mushrooms, endive and free range buffalo meat as if nothing happened.  

Who does that??    He enjoyed his red wine just a little bit more that night. 

Picture the “Most Interesting Man in theWorld” if possessed by Hannibal Lecter – That’s Big Balls.  He’s also well educated, well-traveled and extremely cultured.  Everything I am not.  It’s all I can do to keep myself from picking nits from his back hair.

((sidenote –I paused while writing  to hear Big Balls in the middle of a thought –“I wonder if I can increase the size of my torso” – I’m even confused???  I dare not ask as this would take me into a very strange vortex.  I don’t have enough bubba kush to keep up.   Now, back to our regular programming))
We live on 50 acres in Northern California.  The plan is to drift off-grid into some sort of neo-hippy utopia oblivion.  We’ll run on solar, grow our own food, raise farm animals, make cheese and honey, etc.  Wow – Neato – Brave – exciting -adventurous.   Yeah? – You shovel a dead deer carcass out of a ravine in the rain and tell me how it fulfills your Jack London fantasies!   It’s fucking hard work and I’m at heart a lazy goofball daydreamer – And ADD is a lifestyle and hobby.

We needed a farmhand….Way too much work for an old control freak and Hippie-Jethro. Help cometh.

Enter Craigslist.

Did I mention Big Balls is a bad ass? The Craigslist ad read like this….”Mature Rancher….Needs experienced Farmhand. Must be under 30, take direction well, and follow orders exactly.”    Really – that was the add.  The filtering process was illuminating at least.  Apparently there is a subset of weirdos in our midst??   I digress.

Ultimately we had our own version of an immaculate conception – Diesel Jesus was born. He looks EXACTLY like Jesus and smells like an American Spirit cigarette dipped in diesel and snuffed out on a dirty boot.  He makes me smell like a fresh spring rain. We don’t know his last name or address. He doesn’t have a cell phone. I pick him up at the bus stop every morning. We exhaust his 36 word vocabulary before leaving the parking lot.  ……I’m convinced he’s the missing link – or a serial killer.  I actually hope he’s a serial killer cuz I have so many questions!!   

 Are you the run of the mill brunette-coed-hitch-hiker-kind of serial killer or a more cerebral “Dexter” type that responds to obscure craigslist posts taking substantial time crafting a strategy? I must know.

Guess we’ll find out.  I once caught him banging his head to a Poison song. We bonded. I have NEVER seen him eat.   It’s bizarre and, of course, makes me wonder.   He’s often up in the forest clearing trees and brush.  I imagine him foraging for food and enjoying the land as if it’s a salad bar.  I have also seen skeletal remains that seem fresh and have no explanation.  I don’t ask and pretend it’s just a mountain lion.

So why the fuck did I start this with a Beverly Hillbillies reference??   I had a plan.   I drifted.   It happens.  Deal with it. 
Up until 3 years ago, we lived in a warehouse in the Crenshaw district of LA – Beverly Hills adjacent.   The hood.    Badlands.  South Central.   Get it??   I still don’t.    It’s hard out there for a pimp.   I’m lucky to be alive. I saw gunfights, drug deals, chased taggers over fences, and even got slapped by a ho’.  We built a Taj Majal in the hood - —A 5000 square ft. loft that can’t be easily explained or imagined.  It was an expression of our inner insanity.  IT WAS AWESOME.  Magazine worthy ….Embarrassingly over the top. {interjection by HMM:   IT. WAS. AMAZING.  Imagine a magazine feature on architectural/design masterpeices in Hollywood… and it was BETTER than that } We went wild – and lived like kings for 5 years…..until we felt our very life-force being sucked out of us.   L.A. can do that.    So we packed up the truck – and trailer –and moved to the middle of  nowhere looking for land.    I’ll save the “18 months in a trailer” story for another week. 

So, we are the reverse Beverly hillbillies. Big Balls is Jed Clampet and I’m Hippie Jethro the farmer – I guess. We have no idea what we are doing.  When not in sheer panic and dismay, we have a blast.   Fortunately Jesus is on our side.