Rabbit Hole Revisited; Sasquatch Goes to Spirituality School.
It’s time, once again, to revisit the rabbit hole. Two weeks of submersion in youthful debauchery were fun, but I have had some weighty subjects on my mind and need to process. Yes, PROCESS…It seems as though this mommy blogging adventure is doubling as a form of ersatz therapy (did it again – used ERSATZ in a mommy blog). So, I’m just going to jump in with what has been swirling in betwixt my synapses and trust that I will find some answers so that my brain can rest. I will also ask for some assistance. Yes, a bit of feedback might help me pin down some of this angst and give it form and meaning. Mommies, let’s do this!!
Another significant chapter in my personal growth resume was the whole process of acquiring a Master’s Degree in Spiritual Psychology. About 12 years ago and just after attending the week long meditation retreat (refer to episode 10), I began the program. Essentially, it was an experiential exploration into human potential and how spirituality plays into our personal evolution. We learned that we are spiritual beings having a human experience – not just flesh and form in a dense matrix. Through training, it becomes possible and then necessary to detach from the physical form that holds our pain and duality, and approach life from an observers POV; the observer being our Higher Self. Through Mastery of this detachment we can then transform our pain into light and thus evolve. The meat of the program was working our own process – dissecting and cutting loose our personal demons. A lot of focus was on letting go of judgment and moving into a baseline of acceptance. Put simply. Open your heart and love. Period.
I mostly hated every minute of the program and that’s why I had to complete it. From day one it bitch-slapped my comfort zone and occasionally boot-stomped me into fits of squeamish personal apocalypse. It was a full on ejection outside of my comfort zone. Growth thrives on this level of risk taking, so I dove in. Before the program I was emotionally retarded. Throughout the program I was in emotion kindergarten. Even after the program I had work to do. I am grateful that I had the balls to face my discomfort in order to lay a foundation that I continue to build upon today. It was well worth the effort.
Here’s where I need to process.
The program and community that it generates is a tad nutty. I’ve heard the term “Spirit Muffin” tossed around – It applies. Lots of glazed over smiles, mug hugging, and deep eye gazing; as if you have a piece of spinach in your eye tooth. Every conversation has to be deep and meaningful. If you’re not crying you’re just not going deep enough. The community language becomes all important. At some point, the herd adapts the language so absolutely that it becomes the new normal and if you drop a colloquial irreverent bomb – you will face a spiritual correction. I was corrected – often.
Being in the emotional arena, it’s expected that the terrain would be robust with feminine energy. I had a difficult time adjusting to this as I have always worshipped at the altar of testosterone. Coming into this atmosphere was culture shock. I became aware that I represented an archetype that others had difficulty facing – both male and female. I’m the scary man that hurt them in elementary school, or the angry stepfather that beat them. I’m the football player that rejected them in High School. I’m that guy; but I’m not. Being one that is adept at recognizing and attuning to energies that surround, I noticed this projection and made adjustments by consciously and contentiously softening my rough edges. It partially worked. I’m still Sasquatch stomping around awkwardly in the Age of Aquarius; so far outside of my comfort zone that I need a compass, beef jerky, and a GPS to get me out alive. There is so much feminine energy flying around that I needed a case of Tampax and a pallet of Midol to cope with all of the breakdowns and drama.
Here’s my issue:
I saw a video that initiated my dilemma. It makes me wretch and I still can’t get through the entire clip. It’s creepy and nauseating, quite frankly.
Please watch the video…If you can’t get through the whole clip, just a few minutes will give you the gist. And please, share your reaction.
Normally I simply and succinctly articulate my position. In this case I’m conflicted and can’t seem to accurately interpret why it is that this video bothers me so much. After watching, I am angry, even offended…which is rare for me. I usually claim that nothing offends me. It’s almost a gift! But this pushes buttons. I hope you all can help me get my head around exactly why. I’m a man, and unapologetic (more so now than ever before) about how I experience and relate to masculinity. It’s an authentic expression. I am also a loving, caring, intuitive man who does what is needed to support and protect the ones I love. I believe that this is a TRUE expression of masculinity and I will not apologize.
Tied into the dilemma is my view of the person who shared the video with me and is its biggest cheerleader. I’ve witnessed his “path” over the last 12 years and he represents to me an uncomfortable reality that is often seen in group dynamics – especially personal growth group dynamics. Meet “Larry.” He’s about 60 years old and has been embedded deep inside this community for over 25 years. He’s never held a job for more than a year. He is essentially homeless; surfing from couch to couch on the kindness of others in the community. He lives in LA without a car – because it was impounded. He’s a heterosexual man who’s never had a successful relationship. AND GET THIS: He bills himself as a life coach specializing in the Art of Romance. He even wrote a book about it (unsuccessful). He hides inside the community which I see does him a great disservice by enabling his delusions. He advertises and professes his “expertise” shamelessly on several different boards and venues mostly inside the protection of the community. I watch in amazement. A few have tried to call him out and he comes back with practiced language about this being his life purpose. It drives me crazy.
So, I’m a bit all over the place as this swirls in my head unresolved. I would truly appreciate feedback from REAL people outside the bubble. Am I delusional? Maybe Larry truly does represent the “New Masculine” and I’m just a knuckle dragging relic that needs to surrender to a new paradigm and offer up my nut sack for emasculation. HMM is fairly good at clipping a nut sack. I’ll be seeing her in a few weeks. If you all think I am off base here I will gladly hand her the scissors.
My fate is in your hands.
POST SCRIPT: I almost broke up with HMM-actually she was about to drop me; sad but true. She watched the video before reading my post and thought I was a proponent. Instant deal breaker. We quickly picked up the pieces of our damaged relationship while reveling in the comic stylings of Mr. Will Ferrell. This was a bit of salve for my wounds. He says labia with a straight face which is always admirable. Watch and laugh.
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Filed under: Tuesdays with Gooley
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