As I’ve mentioned before, we are regularly visited by wildlife at our home. Deer, bear, wild turkeys, otters, and gators use our backyard as a cut-through to the State Park behind us. It’s only problematic on trash day. We can’t leave out trash out the night before or the bears have a block party, so we get up super early and tote the trash to the curb, then climb back in bed.
Today, as sometimes happens, the bears were waiting. In the hour between taking the trash out and leaving the house, they went through the trash, entered my garage, tried to open the garage fridge and left with Number One’s lunch box (which we recovered from under the trampoline this afternoon).
Maybe they smelled the veggies. Have you ever juiced? I have not. But I got a craving the other night for juice and since I have no impulse control, went immediately online and ordered a juicer.
It arrived yesterday. Last night I made a big glass of juice. Carrots, celery, kale, apples and ginger. It was delicious AND it made me poop so I was pretty happy. It was so yummy, that this morning, after taking out the trash so the bears could have a healthy breakfast of fruit and vegetable pulp, I made another batch of juice. I thought Number One would like it so I made a big batch. 3 apples, 4 celery stalks, 4 carrots, 2 bunches of grapes, several cups of kale and spinach, and a little ginger. It made a big-gulp sized cup of yummy deliciousness. I split it in half. Number One declined. I drank mine. Then I drank his. Then I drove the kids to school. Then I shit myself.
I literally RAN from the PTA office to the nearest bathroom and barely had my pants at my ankles before I starting peeing out of my ass. For a solid 5 minutes.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. ??
Why did no-one ever tell me that juicing gives you the shits? Or perhaps suggest that you shouldn’t drink 50+ ounces of fresh juice in a 10 hour period? I’m not doing the juice diet.. I just wanted some juice…
Now that I’ve shat myself, I have googled “juicing”, “juice diet” ,etc and have yet to find any mention of anal vomiting or ass-quakes. Not a word about hershey squirts, colon blow, or poop soup. Nothing! Nada!
So, as a public service to you all, I am here to tell you that ONE of the things below can be very dangerous. It’s not the bear.
Also, in case you aren’t on my Facebook page, I feel the need to share the comments. Y’all are pretty funny
Click that banner! I shit myself today… I need a pick me up.
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