Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Things that are NOT awesome » Today, a bear broke into my garage and I started juicing. One of those things made me shit myself.
Today, a bear broke into my garage and I started juicing. One of those things made me shit myself.
As I’ve mentioned before, we are regularly visited by wildlife at our home. Deer, bear, wild turkeys, otters, and gators use our backyard as a cut-through to the State Park behind us. It’s only problematic on trash day. We can’t leave out trash out the night before or the bears have a block party, so we get up super early and tote the trash to the curb, then climb back in bed.
Today, as sometimes happens, the bears were waiting. In the hour between taking the trash out and leaving the house, they went through the trash, entered my garage, tried to open the garage fridge and left with Number One’s lunch box (which we recovered from under the trampoline this afternoon).
Maybe they smelled the veggies. Have you ever juiced? I have not. But I got a craving the other night for juice and since I have no impulse control, went immediately online and ordered a juicer.
It arrived yesterday. Last night I made a big glass of juice. Carrots, celery, kale, apples and ginger. It was delicious AND it made me poop so I was pretty happy. It was so yummy, that this morning, after taking out the trash so the bears could have a healthy breakfast of fruit and vegetable pulp, I made another batch of juice. I thought Number One would like it so I made a big batch. 3 apples, 4 celery stalks, 4 carrots, 2 bunches of grapes, several cups of kale and spinach, and a little ginger. It made a big-gulp sized cup of yummy deliciousness. I split it in half. Number One declined. I drank mine. Then I drank his. Then I drove the kids to school. Then I shit myself.
I literally RAN from the PTA office to the nearest bathroom and barely had my pants at my ankles before I starting peeing out of my ass. For a solid 5 minutes.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. ??
Why did no-one ever tell me that juicing gives you the shits? Or perhaps suggest that you shouldn’t drink 50+ ounces of fresh juice in a 10 hour period? I’m not doing the juice diet.. I just wanted some juice…
Now that I’ve shat myself, I have googled “juicing”, “juice diet” ,etc and have yet to find any mention of anal vomiting or ass-quakes. Not a word about hershey squirts, colon blow, or poop soup. Nothing! Nada!
So, as a public service to you all, I am here to tell you that ONE of the things below can be very dangerous. It’s not the bear.
Also, in case you aren’t on my Facebook page, I feel the need to share the comments. Y’all are pretty funny 
Click that banner! I shit myself today… I need a pick me up.
 | If you liked this post, please consider leaving a comment, share, or subscribe to RSS feed |
Filed under: Dear Diary, Things that are NOT awesome
RELATED POSTS & INTERESTSMy trip to the liquor storeI think "life lesson", my boys think "homeless man's toilet water"I had a slow leak (not a metaphor) and now I need a wife.This is how Seven & I fightMy house may actually get CLEAN today! |
I tried the cabbage soup diet. I lost 11 pounds in a week. It was awesome. However, no one told me brown rice was the equivalent to taking multiple laxatives. I ate my big bowl or rice and then took a long ass walk. This is why exercise and dieting is a bad idea.
You know me and you know I’m doing me 2nd ever juice cleanse/fast. Honestly never in my life have I ever had an experience remotely similar. And I’m hard core. That is crazy!! I’ve had headaches, leg cramps (need tons more water when that happens) but after the 2nd or 3rd day it’s a breeze and sooooo amazingly good for your system. That story is crazy and not funny but yeah…pretty funny. You rock for sharing it.
I just cried with laughter!
You are so gross!!!
Does your poop smell like juice or vodka, because I’ve totally shit vodka before.
I hate this post.
I “almost” want to buy a juicer now. The thought of taking off a few pounds peeing out my ass sounds great.
Getting my juicer out tomorrow. Hope it still works.
Laughing my ass off here, keeping the kids up. I don’t know that I’ll ever juice, since my control over various sphincter muscles went out with the birth of my children…
Hysterical! I love how the fact that a BEAR was in your garage is totally a sub-point in this post! Overshadowed by butt-peeing!
OMG…this is the funniest sh*t EVER!! I’m at my desk literally laughing out loud!!! Thanks & sorry to hear about your liquid sh*t
I swear to all that is sweet, good, and kind in this world….. I would quit my job and work for your campaign if you ever run for office. I have been laughing about this post for hours and finally had to come back and say thanks. You are some funny shit, doll!
{{Crying}} Shat. anal vomiting … ass-quakes…hershey squirts, colon blow…poop soup. OMG I am dying!!! It’s not right, but the visual you you running with your scarf in the wind in front of the PTA just about made me unable to catch my breath from laughter!!
I am sorry to say that I am the only one in my house that truly appreciates you… I am sitting here laughing so hard I have tears, and my husband thinks I am on crack… You kill me.. Too Funny!!
Wow… now that’s an experience! I never heard that drinking juice could do that, but then again, you mention drinking like gallons of it, that could possibly be the cause!
Haha well this thread has certainly made me chuckle away to myself!
I had a phrase when I got my first juicer than I just wanted to juice everything in sight! The family were sick of liquid meals hehe!
Well played my friend… I sooooo needed the laugh this post gave me… OMG
I almost peed myself reading about this. Still a better result than you though…
Well I nearly pissed my pants and my husband spit his beer out. He’s like Beavis and Butthead randomly saying “ass quakes”.
Oh my god! You had me freaking rolling,,hilarious & funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time! Anal sepage is a bitch–looks like you found the shit yourself skinny diet..
oh! and this one time … at juice camp …
I can only assume you have to live near me. lol I too live near a State Park and see bears all the time on my driveway. I will tell you though several times that bastard had made into my garage, OPENED my garage fridge and stole our leftovers and a freakin 12 pack of diet soda(i guess he figures he will be thirsty after he eats our leftovers.) My daughter opened the door leading from our kitchen to our garage and the way she described it was a big furry ass was walking out of our garage with all of our food and drinks. UGH needless to say I was a tad bit shaking up and sure enough that bastard has come back several times. He looks at us like we are invading his space. Another time my son went outside to find him sitting on our driveway just looking up at the stars and stretching as if he belonged there. I called the bear hotline and all they did was send me papers on what to do if you see a bear. Not one person came to my house nothing.. It was a waste of my breath. email me and I will send you pictures of what he did when he was at my house. lol I love your blog BTW it makes me laugh… Thanks for your hard work i know having a blog is a full-time job. Which is why I don’t have one I just read yours.
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Julie D
Oh.My God…you are sooooo fluckin funny. I really needed a laugh (it’s been one of those weeks). I haven’t read your blog in a while, but I am so beyond happy that I’ve come back. I love the way you tell the stories of your happenings, Always humorous. Thank you for making my day better.
OMG I don’t know HOW I missed this post but I am CRYING LAUGHING right now! DO YOU HEAR ME??? Crying!!!! I am regular like a million-year-old geyser, so my poop just became even more awesome and S-shaped (Dr. Oz, anyone?) when I started juicing. My bowels are awesome like that.
OMG! I’m a newbie to your blog and have to say that is the funniest shit I have EVER READ!!! No pun intended! Thanks for the laugh! Just what I needed…
quick question – I get number one, two and three but number seven??? huh?
lastly, saw you on the news the other night…
lol! thanks.. and Welcome!
If I tell ya, I’d have to kill ya
OMG! I think I just figured it out…
That’s NOT it!!
I just stumbled upon your blog and this entry made me laugh so hard! Thank you for sharing this and making my night.