Articles Comments

Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Ramblings » 10 things my masseuse says to me that make me think I may be at the wrong “massage parlor”

10 things my masseuse says to me that make me think I may be at the wrong “massage parlor”


I have some back issues.  Well, I have lots of issues, but in addition to the ones you already know about, I have some serious back and neck problems.  I get massages regularly.  Before you get jealous… my massages aren’t the “oohhhh, aahhhh…  wake me up when it’s over” type..   They are of the “this is gonna leave a mark” and “I hope I don’t cry today” variety.

My current masseuse is a phenom.  Truly.  She’s strong as a damn ox.  I’ve been going to her for a while now.  She’s extremely professional but now that she is very familiar with all of my problem areas, and I mean ALL….. we exchange a little more dialogue.

Here’s a sampling.

  1. lay down face first
  2. oh my God.. I can’t believe how tight you are.
  3. I didn’t think it was possible for you to be any tighter than you were last time, but you are.
  4. I’ve noted that you like it better when I use my fist instead of my finger.
  5. I could barely get in there.. I was so tight I had to use my whole arm.
  6. OMG.  It’s so big.  And it’s hard as a rock.  Can you feel it?
  7. It’s supposed to hurt, not tickle.
  8. Your dad had this same thing in the SAME place last week.
  9. You are going to be very VERY sore when you leave here. 
  10. I could work on you ALL day but I’m not sure that your body could take it. 


Sometimes I’m tempted to say “The money’s on the dresser Chocolate” when I leave.  I don’t.  But I could.

If you liked this post, please consider leaving a comment, share, or subscribe to RSS feed

Filed under: Dear Diary, Ramblings



Everything that I never knew I wanted.

Why being a bad "parent" makes me a good "mom"

I am BLESSED and I don't care who knows it.

To blog or to Facebook? That is the question....

Why December kicks my ass. Every fracking year.

16 Responses to "10 things my masseuse says to me that make me think I may be at the wrong “massage parlor”"

  1. ReneeC says:

    OMG – you have made my day!!!

  2. Please. Oh please God say that and then write a post about it.

    I’m snorting with laughter.

  3. Ann says:

    But number 8 – I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Thanks for that!

  4. jacqui says:

    as long as she doesnt ask if u want a “happy ending” its proly pretty tame…

  5. Vanessa says:


    I work in therapy & rehab and find myself saying very similar things to patients. I never thought of how it sounded from the POV. Maybe that’s why I always feel like their are people standing outside the room. They’re probably trying to get in on some action! ;)

  6. joe dee says:

    i am sooo cracking up!

  7. Julie says:

    LMAO That’s good shit!

  8. Titkicker says:

    You disgust me.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      don’t be jelly … i’ll kick your tit next week ;)

  9. Shana says:

    my tea just came through my nose! your post made me feel very 50 Shades

  10. Angela Johnson says:

    OMG..I was laughing so hard, I was stomping my feet and stubbed my toe! Totally worth girl..thanks for making a good way to start my day!!

  11. melissa says:

    Absolutely hilarious!

  12. LOL, omg.. I believe no puns intended? ;)

  13. shynook11 says:

    I want this masseuse!

  14. Ned says:

    hahaha! You;re seriously funny! loving your blog!:)

  15. Brad says:

    I say the same things when I work on my clients…and homo phobic men. Massage therapy humor

Leave a Reply


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>