I want to thank Hot Mess Mom for providing me with the perfect opportunity for an ‘airing of grievances’ about being a mom blogger. For the record, I hate that term, ‘mom blogger’ by the way. It makes it sound so inconsequential. Anyway, I have been wrestling with the love/hate aspect of this for weeks now since I started my own blog, but I had reservations about posting about it on my own site, www.playpen-ipg.com. I don’t want to seem like a complainer. I’m pretty sure, as far as an outsider is concerned, I’m living the dream right now.
I know that being a ‘mom blogger’ probably seems like a walk in the park, but quite honestly, if you’re going to do it well, which I’m not necessarily saying I do yet, it constitutes actual work. Yes people, work. My own website has become my third baby. I’m not making bank, I’m not that popular, but I’m trying like hell to make it so because I don’t want to have to go back to the rat race, be a slave to day care, and miss out on the opportunity to be at home with my kids. As much as they make me double my dosage some days if you catch my drift, I do want to be one of the lucky ones who get’s to take sole responsibility for screwing them up. No blaming daycare here.
This in turn means I am working like a hooker at a prison rodeo. At this very moment, it is 10:17 pm. I’ve been up since the five o’clock baby alarm went off. The left side of my head is on fire after my dentist appointment with Dr. Torquemada, I’m icing it with my martini shaker, and I had to promise my four year old a sleepover in my bed just to assuage my own guilt over not having spent quality time with her tonight. All because I’m trying to show myself, and my kids, and everyone that ever doubted me, that I can run my own operation and be successful, whatever that ends up meaning.
It was jarring going from working full time, out of the house, to working triple time in the house. On top of worry about my kids, the house, the bills, my husband (not necessarily in that order), I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about what I’m going to write about the next day and when I’m going to find time to write it. And now there’s all this pressure to be entertaining. Not to mention I have opened myself up for judgment on the one thing no one wants to be judged on – their parenting. And of course there are plenty of days when there is not a God-damned thing that is funny about parenting. Some days it sucks so much I cry. It’s the bottom line.
The good news is having my blog is cheaper than therapy. This venture of mine is the most courageous and cathartic thing I’ve ever done. When I write my posts, nine times out of ten, I find a solution to the problem that I was fixated on. And on the rare occasion I don’t find the solution, I feel better because at least I have a better understanding of the problem.
My original goal was the create a site where parents could go, and in the three minutes it takes to read a post, feel like you got a good laugh for the day at the least. Maybe you even got to say, “Well at least I’m a better parent than she is.” In hindsight though, I’ve realized this has become a bit of a narcissistic operation. I don’t know why but I need some validation. Not in the sense of ‘I’m a great parent’, which technically should be more important, but in the sense of, ‘I didn’t lose my personality and sense of humor with the afterbirth.” And so far it’s working. Having MY blog makes me feel like I’m not just a mom. I’m a smart, funny female who is trying to create something that has value (aside from my kids).
I don’t know how things will turn out for me and PlayPen; The Irreverent Parents’ Guide. I’m not sure this venture will ever make money. But I do know that all the sacrificing and working now will still be worth it in the end, even if it ends up a flop. At least I tried. I just noticed that my four year old fell asleep in front of the TV on the un-vacuumed carpet. Do I feel bad? Yes. But at least I know I could be doing something far worse to screw her up besides working hard. .
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