Reason #10727 why my life is just plain silly

There has not been ONE specific happening over the past 48 hours that is ridiculous or crazy or silly or messy.  Not one particular incident.  However, the 48 hours combined is so typical of the HMM Family that I’m just going to walk you through it and invite you into our normal.

Friday night: 

 Roaring 20′s party.   You saw the pics.. it was sooo sooo much fun.  My kids had a sleepover with their cousins.   Muffy, Two-Carat Princess, Ice Queen and I donned tassels and feathers and flapped our way through the evening like professionals.  We did the Charleston (very 20′s) and shots of Jagermeister (not very 20′s).  It was a super fun, super silly and only half-way messy night.   

Being that I am a whore for theme….In addition to getting my make-up done and fake eyelashes applied, I applied red fake nails (that were in the Million MILF March goodie bags). They were super easy to apply and are short enough to wear. {I mention this because of what happens on Saturday}.

I worked tirelessly to fit my long, thick, crazy mop of hair under a short black wig. It was not easy. But it was awesome. And now I know what I would look like with bangs.

In other news… I had so much fun with the wig, that after a few dozen cocktails, I went online and ordered 3 more. Yep.. 3 more wigs. One of which is an Amy Winehouse wig that I just had to have. I have nowhere to wear it and will probably just put it on and show up at random non-costume parties and happy hours. It’s who I am

The party was packed.  Lots of important people. The mayor was there.  I am neither a politico nor an ass-kiss, but I do have enough social grace to know that I should at least acknowledge someone when in a group conversation together.  My conversation with the mayor went a little like this:

Me:  Wow.  You look great… I haven’t seen you in a few years.  You have lost a shit-ton of weight.

Him:  um… thanks?

Minutes later, I updated my Facebook status:

 My social graces are clearly limited.

Saturday:

 Number One had crew in the morning.. Two & Three went with my sister and mom to our favorite resort where were to spend the rest of the weekend in celebration of my niece’s 6th birthday.  {My kids get a choice between a party or a resort for their birthdays.  My niece made a similar choice this year ;} 

One and I met them there a bit later… checked into the room, threw on our bathing suits and spent the rest of the afternoon lounging by the pool and floating in the lazy river.   From noon yesterday until 3 seconds ago… this is the only conversation I have had with Number Two:

Him:  oh my God Mom! Take off those nails!  I hate them and they’re creepy and you look stupid and they are fake and I really hate them please take them off!

Me:  No.

Him: oh my God Mom! Take off those nails! I hate them and they’re creepy and you look stupid and they are fake and I really hate them please take them off!

Me:  Why do you care?  They are not affecting you at all.  Nothing to do with you.  I hate your stupid basketball shorts and clown shoes, so I don’t wear them..  If you don’t like my nails.. don’t wear them.  Leave me alone.

Him: {honestly almost in tears}  I HATE them… Take them off NOW!  Take them off Take them off Take them off!!!!  They are FAKE!  You are a PHONY!!  PHONY!! PHONY!!! 

Me:  Okay.  I will take them off when you quit acting like a shit.  No complaining, no crawling up my ass, no whining about anything.  Keep your hands to yourself, play nicely with your brothers and your cousins and have a great attitude for the rest of the weekend.  You do that, and I’ll take off my nails.

Him:  Okay. Fine.. take them off!

Me:  You first.

The above is the cliff-note version of the past 24 hours.  He is obsessed.  And honestly disturbed by my (short) red nails.  He won’t hold my hand. He won’t let me touch him with “those hands”.   At one point on tubes floating through the lazy river, I tried to hold onto his tube so we could float together.  He slapped my hand and said  “Stop it.  I’m not kidding Mom.  I am really P-I-S-S-D-T at you”

At  dinner…  Number Two usually wants an olive from my martini..  I offered it to him.  “Nope. Not from THOSE hands”   Unreal. 

I have more of these nails.  My sister and I are making plans to apply them to him while he’s asleep.   This will have to be done while Seven is traveling as he does not approve of my fucking with the kids and adding to their neurosis..  I think it will be funny as hell.   I’ll keep you posted.

The pool area where we went is very lush.  Amazing landscaping…. plants  and palm trees and flowers at every turn. Several times during our stay, my 3-year old nephew walked to the nearest bush, dropped trou and peed.  In front of EVERYONE.  He never told us he had to pee, so we wouldn’t see what was happening until his pants were around his ankles.   I cannot stress enough that this is a NICE resort.  Public urination is most likely frowned upon.  Multiple instances of public urination would, most likely, get you kicked out.   If we could have stopped laughing and caught our breath, we probably would have punished him.  Probably. 

Meanwhile, Seven is traveling and we haven’t spoken in days…  We’ve tried to call and text but our schedules just haven’t  meshed and we haven’t spoken since maybe Wednesday or Thursday.    We finally spoke this morning. 

Me:  hi!  I had heard rumors that I had a husband, but I wasn’t sure…

small talk, catching up, etc… 

Him:  Don’t freak out, but I may have to go to *&^%*  {un-named country  in the Middle-East} next week.  I’m not sure yet.. But if I go, I’ll have a security detail and armed guards and everything so you don’t need to worry.

Me:  Jesus. 

Him:  I don’t even know if I have to go… 

Me:  uh..don’t forget  I have girls’ weekend  and won’t be home ’til Sunday. 

Him: I don’t know when I’m leaving.. I’ll do my best.

Me:  It’s not a matter of doing your best… You CANNOT leave before Sunday… You have 3 children.  Your wife is out of town.  You were supposed to be home.  You need to tell them “Sure..I’ll go across the world on zero-notice… I’m sure a few armed guards will deter all suicide bombers, snipers and grenade throwers… no worries… but my wife has plans and I can’t fly to another continent until she gets back”

Him:  Are we arguing?  I can’t tell.

Spent the rest of the morning at the resort.. bocce ball, volleyball, picnic lunch, swimming, etc.  Great morning, but alas.. they do have a check-out time so we had to mosey.   Took the kids on one last trip around the river and final dip in the hot tub before heading home to laundry, dirty dishes and unflushed toilets.

Got the dog from the kennel, quick stop at the grocery and we were home.  I was unloading the car, starting laundry etc.. and realize there are no children in my house.    I looked around.. no boys.   I called their names…. no answer.   I called again.  Louder. 

“We’re back here!!  We’re trying to catch this HUGE black snake”

{sigh}..  Is it a Black Racer?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes. 

Alright then.   {because as a mother of 3 boys, you have to pick your battles and non-poisonous snakes are not worth fighting over}

I proceed to put stuff away and walk into the garage to deposit some stuff in the recycling bins.  I opened the garage door.  Number One SCREAMS.. “NO Mom!! NO!!!”   and I watch a 4-foot black snake haul ass into my garage. 

SHIT!! SHIT!!  Get it!! Get it out NOW!!!  SHIT!!  

Number One has a big stick, scoops up part of the snakes body and flings it in the direction of the driveway.  It hits my car with a thump, falls to the ground and slithers away.   The boys chase after it.  I shut the garage and poured a glass of wine.  That was at 3:00 pm.

By 3:20, the snake had escaped and there were 7 wild turkeys in my back yard.  So..what else are boys to do when their hunted snake evades them?  That’s right…. go chase turkeys.   Note:  Turkeys get P-I-S-S-D-T pretty easy so that adventure didn’t last too long.

Now, it’s 4:25 pm.  The house is locked up like Fort Knox.  The laundry is started.  They boys are in the playroom.  They have not showered since Friday.  {my general summer rules are Pool = Shower & Chlorine = Soap }  Resort rules mirror summer rules, therefore, we are dirty birds.  Dirty, dirty, dirty birds. 

I have 3 1/2 hours to get these monkeys cleaned, fed and put to bed so I can watch some riveting Sunday night television in peace.  

Great weekend.   Welcome to my life.  Again.