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Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Featured, Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome » No. I don’t want an f*ing squirrel. ™

No. I don’t want an f*ing squirrel. ™


Sometimes the ridiculousness that is my life is just too much.

Just got a phone call from a good friend.

Me:   Hey!  I was just thinking about you!  Happy New Year!!

Him:  Did you tell me that you wanted a squirrel?

Me:  what?

Him:  A squirrel..   Do you want a squirrel?

Me:  Fuck you.  No.  Why would I want a squirrel?

Him:  I thought we talked about it at Christmas.. you wanted a squirrel for the kids.

Me:  You are high. 

Him:  Maybe it was someone else.

Me:  You had a discussion with someone who wanted a squirrel????

Him:  I think so.

Me:   And you thought it was ME?   Have you met me?   What the fuck?

Him:   Well, I’ve had one in my attic and I just caught it.   So it’s in a cage.   You could give it to the boys.

Me:  Wait….  so you aren’t even offering me a TAME squirrel??  You’re offering me a wild- caught in your attic- squirrel?  Jesus.   just let it go outside.

Him:  ok. 

I think it’s important to point out that my house backs up to a State Park.   In addition to the hawks, bears, deer, turkey, otters, gators and raccoons, I probably only have about a fucktillion squirrels living in my yard.   But none of them were caught in an attic and are currently trapped in a cage.  I can see why he’d think offering me a squirrel would be enticing.   ?????   wtf ??


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Filed under: Dear Diary, Featured, Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome



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30 Responses to "No. I don’t want an f*ing squirrel. ™"

  1. Kristi says:

    A fucktillion…. Stealing that!

  2. Kelley says:

    Stealing that, too!!!!

  3. Monica C. Seidel says:

    Also love that you say “Fuck you” BEFORE you say no. PERFECT.

  4. NicolleDPhotography says:

    Fucktillion!!!!!!!!!!! Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! *snort*

  5. Not Supermom says:

    OMG. Who *thinks* that sort of thing?!

    Also, fucktillion. This word is officially in my vocabulary.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      Welcome! Glad you are here! I’ve been reading your stuff all morning.. good stuff :)

  6. Denise says:

    I’ve got 2 flying squirrels in the attic that you can have…. a little variety might be interesting!! :D

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      that’s kind. I think I’m good.. ;)

  7. KahunaMatata says:

    My parents had a squirrel manage to get into their living space a couple years ago after a water pipe froze, broke and left too many open walls. At first, their Cairn Terror would scream, “SQUIRREL!!” and chase it, but after about the third day, even she was confused. Their three dogs started thinking it must be a new dog. My folks would go racing through the house trying to establish a “flight pattern.” Nighttime meant locking the dogs in their room while the squirrel would come out and have the run of the house. Finally, they got a cage and hid it around the corner of the dining room in the “flight pattern.” The squirrel came barreling out of the family room one day, whipped around the corner and hit the back of the cage so hard it knocked out the good sense out of the squirrel and it started screaming and gnashing. My dad got a billy club from Shore Patrol days and started whacking the squirrel in the cage before throwing the cage outside in the snow because my mom was screaming not to hurt it. When animal control came, my folks were informed rehoming would take place four blocks away. My dad–normally a peacenik–was livid, said he would’ve drowned the little bastid had he known. The Cairn Terror decided exactly revenge would be her her new sport. She has stalked and killed, um, several squirrels since then. She thinks they are like toys from the store and tries to rip the “squeaky toy part” out of them. Thankfully, the Cairn Terror has yet to kill a fucktillion squirrels, but she’s working on it!!


    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      that just made my stomach hurt from laughter!! awesome!!
      Thanks for sharing!

  8. Oh good heavens – a wild squirrel??? I can’t imagine all the lice and the rabies (or not) and all kinds of unpleasantness you’d have to deal with. They’re basically just rats with big tails, after all. Smart thing to say no.

  9. Kim says:

    So funny! Love your blog! The title of this post grabbed me. I hate squirrels! When I was 7 months pregnant with my twin boys, I was attacked by a squirrel! LEGIT attacked. It launched itself on my leg and went all tasmanian devil on it. I had 6 puncture marks and scratches and all sorts of bruising on my leg, it was crazy!!! I was really nervous my boys would come out of my belly with fluffy tails! Thanks for the laughs!

  10. Joey says:

    OMG…I just laughed so hard that Vodka came out my nose! @Kim, my ex-mother in law got attacked by one also, trying to feed it in her back yard. Just like you, she got all mangled by it. She still feeds them now but just throws the food out there to them instead of trying to feed them by hand.

    D, I’m so glad that you started this blog because it honestly makes me laugh more than anything in my entire life. You’re truly the funniest girl I’ve ever met. Thank you.

  11. Joey says:

    No, thank YOU! You’re awesome girl lol. Really. You make me laugh until it hurts when nothing else does.

  12. Abby says:

    The squirrels in my yard drop of brunch orders and demand little fuzzy robes when they swim in my bird bath, so if you’re looking for some high-maintenance furry bastards, I do have a few extra.

    Stopped in from FTF. Glad I did.

  13. Eva Gallant says:

    So what do you have against fucking squirrels??

  14. Anna says:

    Oh my gosh – no one has ever offered me a squirrel before. Why do I feel jealous?

    Thanks for linking up to #findingthefunny (as usual!)

  15. hahaha! I would’ve told him where he can put that squirrel.

    following from FTF

  16. Jenny says:

    Great story! I just had a flash back! When I was little we had a couple of squirrels living in our attic and raising hell during the night.. well one day Dad snapped….told us all to get outside and proceeded to shoot up at the ceiling of our porch. I shit you not…never had a squirrel problem again.

  17. sparkling74 says:

    I’m not a math teacher btu I am pretty sure that my new favorite work is fucktillion and I would like to somehow weave that into my French lessons. Oh and I too have a fucktillion squirrels in my yard. So the question is, if we both have that many, whose yard DOESNT” have any squirrels and what are we doing to attract so damned many?

  18. busymee says:

    I am terrified of squirrels and would not be OK being on the receiving end of that phone call…however awesome post. You’re pretty hilarious.

  19. erica says:

    I just got kicked out of our bedroom for laughing too loud while the husband is trying to sleep. Went to the garage where a strange noise that resembled the wings of those big ass flying cockroaches that come out at night scared me and I ran to the living room. Now my son is complaining that my giggling is disturbing his “video game private time”…
    I need an office or how about a corner….hell I’ll just take a chair that everyone will leave me alone!

  20. Beth says:

    lol! We had a squirrel attempt to take up residence at our house. I say attempt, but reality is, he DID take up residence. One day near Christmas my husband noticed the Christmas lights hanging at the roof line, were snapped in two. Figured the wind did it. When I got home shortly after, I saw pieces of light string all over our porch. Not exactly what I would describe as “snapped in two” but husband confirmed the lights did not look like that when he noticed it a few hours earlier. Now thinking it was just a dry rotted strand of lights. Later that night we kept hearing strange noises coming from the fireplace flue. Definitely an animal of some sort and scraping noise, Freddy Kruger like, along the metal. Ran outside to inspect. Saw a little furry blur running along my roof , approach my chimney, look back at me to make sure I was watching, and into the chimney he went . It was then that I noticed the lights hanging out of the chimney. He had taken up residence AND decorated! Rodent remover called, nest (which had no babies yet) and all decorations in the nest removed, chimney patched. Thankfully no more house guests!

  21. I was married to a lumberjack once – no joke. One day he “accidentally” cut down a tree that was home to a mother squirrel and her two babies. The tree landed on the mother, killing her instantly – also no joke. The lumberjack came home and handed me a large glove. Inside were the two baby squirrels. He told me to “do something with them”. Do something with them? What? Whip out a tit and breastfeed them? I ended up nursing (with an eye dropper) these two squirrels back to health for two weeks. How did they repay me? They went on a psychotic, ADHD-like rampage and started chewing all the wires in my house. That was the end of their stay. Trust me, you don’t want to wish a squirrel on your worst enemy. :)

  22. Cass says:

    Absolutely hillarious! I’m just starting my own overly crude blog about being a parent, check it out, tell me what you think, and I will definately keep following you!

  23. [...] also the guy that you may remember tried to give me a squirrel last Christmas.  And no.. ‘squirrel” is not a metaphor for [...]

  24. Dr Charlie says:

    HMM, you need to friend me on fb. My BFF lives part of the year in Wyoming and part in the Adirondack Mountains in NY. She sent me a photo of “Santa Squirrel!” ;) You’ll pee yourself laughing! <3

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