My Franken-foot…

 This post was written last year (9/17/11)..  I am updating it a tad..  Celebrating 3 years bionic

On September 17, 2009  I shattered my ankle at an 80′s party while dancing with Mr. T and doing shots with PeeWee Herman.

It SUCKED.  Like really really sucked.  Post surgery, I was bedridden for 4 weeks, then in a wheelchair for several months,  then crutches, then a cane, and almost a full year of Physical Therapy.   I had just turned 37 and the boys were 5, 6, & 8 at this time and in two different schools.

I had to rely on family, friends and the occasional stranger to cook for my family, get my kids to school, get my kids home from school and get me to therapy.  {SEVEN travels for a living…  and he hated me… so it wasn’t a perfect situation}  My mom had to shower me, as did my super lucky friend Jen.   I’m not sure either one of them will ever fully recover.

So that is the horrific-ness in a nutshell.  And I’m pretty sure horrific-ness is not a word, but it should be.

NOW— Do you want to know how it happened?    Okay!  I’ll tell you.  (to the best of my recollection)

Once upon a time, there was a 50th birthday party for a wild-woman.  The theme was 80′s.  It was at a great venue, had an incredible guest list, and I was overly excited.  I told my friends all day “I am inappropriately excited for this party..  this is not going to end well”   Being the responsible adult , wife and mother that I am, I had arranged for my girlfriend’s 17 year old son to pick us up at 1 a.m. and drive us home.   (in hindsight, probably mistake #1 that I made that night)

We shopped for a week to get the perfect net shirts, neon socks, spiky belts and cases of purple Aqua Net.  I even bought Capri cigarettes to keep along side the hairspray in my backpack purse… I was WAY into the theme..   Seven was Don Johnson, which is how I will refer to him for the balance of this post.

Other esteemed guests at the party were John McEnroe,  Dee Snyder, Cheerleader Mickey (The Ice Queen), George Michael (Ptyradactyl- Ice Queen’s hub), Pee Wee Herman (2-Carat Princess’s hub) , Mr. T, Boy George, several Madonna’s, a Robert Palmer girl, and dozens and dozens of skinny piano ties, huge earrings, pink hair, jean jackets, banana clips and jelly shoes.

Truly~~ one of the funnest parties I have ever been too.   We danced like fools, drank like fish and cursed like sailors…  it was GREAT!   Around midnight, I still had my wits about me, and how much fun is that?  NOT ENOUGH!!   Knowing that our ride would arrive in an hour and that I had drank relatively responsibly for the past several,  I began to do shots.  Because shots are always what you need at midnight.  Always.

PeeWee Herman, Mickey and I enjoyed several shots together.   Don Johnson remained on the dance floor.  (The 80′s really were his decade for dancing.  He’s not progressed much.   Remember that game you used to play with your girlfriends when you were little– you would hold hands and   Kick, Open, Side to Side?…  That’s how Don Johnson dances.  It’s awesome.)  But I digress.

Upon returning to the dance floor, I had inappropriate contact with George Michael and then began to dance with Mr. T.    And we danced…    (like a wave on the ocean, romanced.   We were liars in love and we danced.  Swept away for a moment by chance.  And we danced, danced, danced, danced).

I swear I was not doing anything other than the standard 80′s kicks when I went down.    Now, let me assure you that this was not the first time I have fallen on a dance floor.   I hit the floor, laughed, and prepared to pop right back up.  But I couldn’t .  Nothing hurt, but I just couldn’t stand up.  So I stayed there.  Nobody paid much attention.  Really.  Don Johnson was dancing with Mickey a few feet away.  A minute or two later she started yelling “Man Down! Man Down!”  then came over and they danced around me.  While I was still on the floor.  My husband and The Ice Queen circled me like hyenas.  And then she sat on me ( are you getting why my life is a hot mess?)

Eventually it was decided that I must be moved.   And THIS  is when it all went horribly wrong.   ( to be honest, it probably all went horribly wrong with the first shot, but this is when I REALIZED that things had gone awry).   A few of my male friends (we’ll call them Drunks A&B) and Don Johnson picked me up and carried me off the dance floor.  Unfortunately, when they did this, my ankle started wiggling, and that was the end.  I turned white.  I threw up.  I didn’t cry, but I could have.

It was now 12:50 a.m. and Teenage Driver was en route.   Now again.. remember… I had planned a ride home, so we were ALL a mess, including Don Johnson.  But we were on the mezzanine level and had to get to ground.  So drunk Don Johnson and  Drunks A&B carried me down a flight of stairs.  They dropped me.  Twice.  I’m  not sure of the damage to my ankle prior to being dropped twice… but afterwards…. wow.

They layed me on the curb while waiting for Teenage Driver to arrive.  This is when Mickey came back for more and sat on me again.  (it’s great to have good friends).  It should also be noted that at this same time, The 2-Carat Princess was searching frantically for Pee Wee Herman.   He was found throwing up in the parking lot.   LESSON:  Shots at midnight never ever end well.  George Micheal ripped off his “Choose Life” t-shirt and threw it to PeeWee Herman saying “clean yourself up”.  {Later stopping at the ATM shirtless in tight white denim jeans}

Anyhoo–  Teenage Driver arrived,  they got me in the car, and carried me into the house.    ( he has never volunteered to pick us up ever again)

NOTE:  Don Johnson really wanted to go to the hospital.  My response

” No.  There is NO way I can fill out that paperwork.  All those little squares….  I can’t do it.  AND if we go now, I’m just another injured drunk at 1 a.m. on a Friday… ..  If it still hurts (ha!) in the morning, let’s take the kids with us and then I’ll be an injured mom and they will be more sympathetic and see me faster!”

And while I realize that this was NOT my best parenting moment.. ..  it’s exactly what we did and it totally worked!   Had I not had to have surgery and spend a few nights in the hospital, we would have been in and out of that ER like lightning!

Unfortunately, my ankle was completely shattered -held together only by skin, tendons and blood vessels.  nasty.  The surgeon said I could have lost my foot.. wtf??    So, obviously I spent some time in the hospital.  Don Johnson was NOT a happy camper.  He remained this way for several months….    I felt terrible but how do you apologize for being a hot mess?     He referred to me as an “uncaged animal”…  I think he meant it as an insult… I thought it was spot on.

Anyhoo– 2 THREE years later all is well!    Not perfect, but pretty good!  I’ll never run, but I didn’t run before..  if you look very closely, I limp a little but come on…who doesn’t?   It’s all good……   I am even starting to wear heels again, but Seven and I have a deal… . I can go out in heels or I can go out dancing.  I cannot do both.    ( I break this rule regularly, but don’t tell him)  (he totally knows now.  We have a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy on this issue)

Some pics for your enjoyment….. BEFORE and AFTER

Remember, this was orginally posted last year.  Go read the comments below.  There are “other perspectives” from some who were there….