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Hot Mess Mom » Antics, Family, Featured, Stellar Parenting Advice, Uncategorized, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent » Love F*ing with my kids….

Love F*ing with my kids….

 

Let me begin by saying that F*ing with our kids is an endless source of amusement for Seven and I.   We are a funny family.  The kids can take it.  They dish it right back….   Conversations at our dinner table are an endless series of shock, awe, and giggles (with the occasional reprimand for cursing and/or burping)  ~~~ note:  I’m usually the one being reprimanded for both of those things.. by my kids… again– never claimed to be mother of the year.

 

  • One of my biggest peeves is when one of my boys whines/ complains/ inquires “Why does HE get to “insert activity here”.     My standard answer is always “Obviously, because I love him more than I love you.”

When this is said in public or with new acquaintances I get lots of gasps, dirty looks, etc.    People—- don’t judge me.  You get to raise your kids and I get to raise mine..  It’s God’s special gift to my boys to be raised by me 😉    The thing is, since my boys have heard this forever, their immediate response is “No you don’t… You loved me more 5 minutes ago”…(to which I generally reply “Well, it’s a sliding scale”)  They are always grinning and the situation is usually diffused.   This is how I parent.   I’m not saying it’s right, I’m not saying it’s wrong.  But it works for us.  And I’m sure it will work for the bank accounts of the future therapists of my children.

  • Number One is in 5th grade.  He is too cool for my antics.  Of course, the more he protests, the thicker I lay it on..  Little love notes in his backpack and lunch box.  Sometimes on pink heart-shaped paper.    I volunteer at the school a LOT and know the majority of the kids.   I have a great relationship with them and am just as ridiculous with them as I am with my own kids.  ( I mention this only to explain that I’m not forcing social suicide on Number One.. only giving him something to roll his eyes at with his friends…….   at least that’s what I tell myself).      Last week, I was making his lunch.   I swear, I had no mischievous intent.   But as I was laying the pepperoni on his tortilla, I just couldn’t help myself.    I got the giggles so hard I had to stop what I was doing and catch my breath.  And then I microwaved it so it would all be stuck in place.

 ME:    Number One!!  Come see what I made you for lunch!!”

Number One:   OH MY GOD MOM…… Do you want everyone to think I’m 3?   I’m in FIFTH GRADE!!   Do that crap for Number Three!!!!

ME:   hysterics…  no words…  cannot stop laughing…

Number One:   Mom- you have problems…  Seriously.

ME:   Don’t you like that I microwaved it so it’s all stuck in place??   I think I may come have lunch with you tomorrow.  I’ll wear a dress.

Number One:   DAD!!!

 

 

 


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17 Responses to "Love F*ing with my kids…."

  1. Becky says:

    LOVE this! I always use the “because I love her/him more” as well…everyone has to have something to hold onto for therapy sessions in years to come! I tell my oldest that the more she says I am embarrassing her, the more effort I will put into it! No MOTY nominations here either!

  2. Laurie says:

    Oh!My!LORD!!! I thought I was the only one that tortures the children with this kind of love.
    XOXO

  3. Stephanie says:

    If you were truly evil you wouldn’t have told him and let it be a surprise 😉

  4. Jenn says:

    I’m cracking up!!! Love it!

  5. Robyn says:

    I too use the old “Because I love her more than I love you” (along with “Because she’s my favorite”). And my children respond the same way as yours do. I have never had to soften it with a coddling “Oh, you know I’m just kidding” either. They get it. Because we’re raising cool kids, that’s why.

  6. Robyn says:

    P.S. Remember when our kids were toddlers and would throw a screaming fit in the grocery store? The kind that caused other moms to raise a judgmental eyebrow and old women to say things to our children like “Oh you poor baby…what’s wrong? Is Mommy making you go shopping when you’re really just tired/hungry? Poor, poor you!”? Remember those days where you had to apologize for the huge mess your small child left in a restaurant? Remember when your precious baby peed/pooped/puked all over the only clean outfit you had, right before you walked out the door to meet your non-mom girlfriends for a rare girls night out? Yeah, me too….those were the times when I soothed my own frustration with dreams that ONE DAY there WOULD be paybacks. The more my oldest rolls her eyes and declares I am embarrassing her, the louder I sing “Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog” in the mall, in front of her friends. (who, by the way, tell her she has “like, the coolest mom”). 😉

  7. Katy Lou says:

    I’m just so happy that my kids will have stories to compare to yours when they are in the waiting room at the therapist’s office! Classic stuff!

  8. Heather says:

    LOVE this! I am a mother on an almost 2 year old little man AND I teach middle school. I am the QUEEN of f*ing with my students. They honestly don’t know how or what I’m going to do when they walk in the room 🙂 and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am looking forward to the day I can pay back my baby for ripping off his diaper in Target and showing everyone his “PEE PEE!”

    Thanks for the laughs!

  9. Toni says:

    My boys are 14 and 16 years old and I have been using the “because he’s my favourite” argument for years. You’re right it does diffuse the whining. I have another favourite reply for when my kids talk about EVERYTHING their friends (mafia family) have and how lucky their friends are: “I guess you were born in the wrong family. It must suck to be you!”

  10. Kimber says:

    I love it!!! My husband and I love messing with our kids too. They are an endless source of fun. They will constantly ask us “Why do we have to do this….” when asked to do a chore or task. We will answer along the lines of, “Because you were sent to us for our personal amusement.” or something of that nature. We videotape tantrums and make them watch them later, we also tell them we are saving the tapes for when they start dating. Kids are great!

  11. Anna says:

    I’m writing this down so I’ll remember it in a few years when my kids are in school.

    When I was in 8th grade, my mom stopped by the school on a whim and knocked on my classroom door. She opened the door and said, “Mr. Teacher, I’m sorry to interrupt. But Anna didn’t make her bed this morning before school, and I need to run her home really quick to finish her chores. She’ll be home before the end of class.”

    She was totally joking – but seriously – I was the biggest dork in 8th grade all day for that. 🙂 Thanks for reminding me…

  12. Sparkling74 says:

    I love th sliding scale. And the shock and awe it must cause in public.

  13. Tatted Mom says:

    OMG we do the same things to our kids. My favorite is yelling ‘ginger’ through the grocery store, looking for my son, lol. Most people think ‘ginger’ is derogatory, but not in my house.

    Thanks for the ideas, though. I shall start using the ‘love them more’ thing, and my 4th grader is sooooo getting a smilie faced lunch this week… Hells yeah!

  14. Lacey says:

    Oh my, I can’t wait til my kids are older so I can do things like this too!

    Laughed out loud 🙂

    **Came by from #findingthefunny

  15. You could make my tortilla with a frowny face and I would be happy that I wasn’t making my own f*ing lunch. 🙂 Ellen #findingthefunny

  16. Mother Dearest says:

    Okay..okay..I’m just now getting around to reading these…and shall I say that they are the most funny hings I have read in a long time?! I have a two year old daughter and I find myself f*ing with her all the time..i mean ALL the time. we argue…likeadults.. Conversations between us go as follows:

    Me: Dont..Don’t do that..Why do you do that? Why throw it in the floor when the trash cans right there?! like, really?! three feet away but you throw it in the floor?! Pick it up..throw it in the trash can.

    Her( We’ll call her Z here): *senseless gibber jabber* No! Mommy! No!

    Me: Don’t ‘No!’ me! Do as I said!

    Z: I wan’t my mom-mom (my mother is referred to as mom mom)

    Me: I dont care!

    Sometimes she goes as far as to call me a jew, flip me off and then run while I reach for the nearest object to launch at her from across the room..

    In the words of the great HMM: Don’t Judge Me!

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