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Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, I may be PMSing..., Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome, Uncategorized » I want to make your baby an orphan

I want to make your baby an orphan


Dear Lady (and I use that term loosely) next to me in the pediatrician’s waiting room,

I HATE you.  I seriously want to jump over this chair between us and slit your throat.   I’m fairly certain that I’m not the only occupant of this small room that feels that way.    First of all,  lose the jersey dress…  jersey is NOT a good look for you.    Secondly, tell your little monster 5 year old if she runs around this room one more time, I’m going to trip her.  While you are telling her that, you may also want to suggest that she wash her face and hands.  She is disgusting.   Lastly, and most importantly,  nobody cares that you have a baby.  We have all had babies.. It’s a fricking pediatrician’s office.    We are ALL here with our children.  Who… as luck would have it… USED TO BE BABIES!  

Please stop talking to your baby in the loudest voice imaginable.  We get it.  You want us to hear you coo and gaga.  We hear it.  I’ll probably hear it in my sleep tonight.   Your baby is 4 months old.  It is not going to say “Mama”. 

Stop using that sugary sweet voice to  tell it

 ” Say Mama… Mama loves you..   Who loves you??  Mama does!  Say Mama… come on… you can do it…. Say it…  Ma- Ma…”   

It can’t fucking say Mama.   It’s 4 months old.   YOU know that it can’t say mama.   WE know that it can’t say mama.  You just want to hear yourself talk and honestly, no wonder your 5 year old is running around this room.   SHE can’t stand the sound of your voice for another second either! 

I actually got up, took my child into the SICK room and can still hear you over here.   The bonus is that I no longer have to look at you in that jersey dress but now I’m getting coughed on. 



~~~~  FOOTNOTE:   This post has prompted me to create a “I may be PMSing category”  ~~~~~~

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Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing..., Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome, Uncategorized



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52 Responses to "I want to make your baby an orphan"

  1. Angel says:

    I think I love you. Too bad you are married. But I would totally do you.


  2. Jenn says:

    Hope I don’t ever sit next to you when I take my baby to the dr. I’m always talking goofy to him. It makes him laugh and smile.. Lol

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      i promise not to slit your throat.. and I can also assure your that there is a VAST difference between talking to and playing with your baby and what this whack job was doing.. 😉

  3. Jen says:

    Most hot mess moms have a portable cocktail!!

  4. First of all, best. post. title. ever. Secondly, I think I sat next to that same woman at the pediatrician’s office – did she also have greasy hair and look like she might have mange? Lady, why are you trying SO HARD to convince us that you’re an excellent mother to your infant, when you clearly let your 5yo play with rusty knives in the street after dipping her in filth and feeding her nothing but pure granulated sugar?
    I started following your blog, since I figure you might be taking care of some of the people on my Throat Slitting list, and plus clearly we go to the same pediatrician.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      love! Thanks for following! Welcome– we have of fun here 🙂 See you at the next check up.. I”ll be the one muttering to myself in the corner.

  5. Tracy says:

    You’re my kind of Mom.

  6. Kelley says:

    I get why you’d move to the next room over, the “sick room”. So glad you did. If you had slit that woman’s throat, well, 1) gross, 2) scary, 3) you wouldn’t be able to blog anymore. 🙁

    (Thanks for linking up with us at #findingthefunny!)

  7. Anna says:

    Woo hoo – top 5 most clicked on links from last week’s party. We’re featuring you tomorrow!

  8. […] – I Want to Make Your Baby an Orphan Hot Mess […]

  9. I think you just found yourself a new follower. I’ll sit by you with my “no longer babies” at the pediatrician’s office any day!!! You’ll know who I am by the jeans and t-shirt I will be wearing!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      Welcome! and I will sit next to you any day! 😉

  10. Danee says:

    I often worried that i was the only mother who secretly wanted to slit the throat of, shoot, smother, slap…..injure, maim… otherwise hurt idiots I meet in the pads office.

    1. halfFULLvodkaglassmom says:

      You are definitely NOT alone on third one! I think my son’s Drs office attracts all the “Can I slit your throat for your child’s sake ‘Moms'”….. that or it’s their secret headquarters, not sure but shit man!

  11. sparkling74 says:

    Awesome. Just butt kicking awesome. I love the whole jersey disaster. Imagine if people could see what goes through our minds????

  12. Jessica says:

    This should have been titled,”I belong in a white jumpsuit with no sleeves”. Note to the disaster that’s judging all the other moms in the waiting room, there’s a reason why you do that. And it has nothing to do with their parenting skills. One more thing, babies learn by being talked to. My sisters kid is 7 months old and she knows 4 words and several signs. Good thing not every mom isn’t as completely idiotic as you are. I feel sorry for your children.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      wow.. your 7 month old neice must be terribly gifted.. i’m certain that your family will waste her childhood by making sure she is an overachiever for life. yay for you. i see you refer to your sisters (note… there should be an apostrophe’ there fucktard) child so I can only assume you don’t have your own children. Either that or your children are idiots for not knowing sign.

      1. erica says:

        Now THAT was super awesome!

        Apparently she IS that moron who was sitting by you in the pedi’s office.

      2. Shroette says:

        Soooooooooooooomuch love from one Red Hot Mess to another!!!!!1

      3. jenn says:

        OMG too funny! I just started following you on facebook. This is the first blog that I have read and it is perfect.
        I often feel / think the same way. I particularly look forward to your posts after long horrible days. I have to say I even enjoy the posts of the humorless morons of the world. Keep up the great work.:

    2. Harley Quinn says:

      Here’s (<—- see what I did there with the ') a thought for you Auntie Jessica. Maybe you should first go back to the bridge your troll ass crawled out from under, and dig for a sense of humor. Me thinks you may still come up empty, but that is ok. Just stay there until you find one. I'm sure those gifted kids of your sister's (<—–) are smart enough to find you there for a visit.

      1. Hot Mess Mom says:

        omg.. you totally are the Cool Girl… and I’m gonna have to steal the whole arrow pointing out fucktardedness…. gold! 😉

  13. Julia White Oliver says:

    Oh, Jessie. Where do I start?
    A) I don’t get the white jumpsuit reference. Is that a trend I missed?
    B) your thought was incomplete… A dirty kid running around a waiting room has nothing to do with his/her parent’s parenting skills!? It’s a fucking waiting room. Not a playground. Of course children need to hear words and sounds. But obnoxiously in the waiting room? I believe that was the point…
    C) your sentence ended with a preposition. Grammar no-no, although commonly heard at the liqueur store in the ghetto
    D) use of double negative… Another grammar error
    E) don’t read the posts if you don’t have a sense of humor. Google “I’m a boring, panties-in-a-bunch aunt who has nothing better to do than judge” and follow that blog
    F) you make me want to drink more wine and I already rinsed my glass.
    That’s all….

    1. Keeleyshawn says:

      That was so perfectly written, I Thank you! HMM,I read your posts every chance I get. I think you are a real, good, RAD mom. I think that you understand that ALL moments are not perfect, some moments suck! Every moment is not great, it’s being able to recognize the great moments and enjoy them, that is what makes it GREAT! Enjoy! Thank you for being able to capture and put into words being a great mom, you rock!

    2. Melissa says:

      Wowwww Julia Oliver! Are you that bored or lonely that you have to pick apart someone’s grammar when they are just venting their own opinions??? Don’t read it then.

  14. Cierra says:

    Right now I don’t know if I love HMM or Julia White Oliver more! This is the best thing I have ever read!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      That Julie Oliver is something special! God love her..

  15. Megan says:

    You didn’t like my jersey dress???? Anywho, my one month old can speak in tongues, and my other children know how to juggle with knives, we’ve only had a few accidents. But the upside is I only have to buy mittens for winter…..wooohooo, no more trying to get fingers into gloves.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      just spit coffee. Mittens! lol…

  16. Kirstyn says:

    FYI…I googled “white jumpsuit with no sleeves”. I got nothin’…either you can get one at Macy’s or you are from the Bronx…not sure. Hmmmmm…still intrigued by that one…

  17. Bahahahaha! My daughter gets around the waiting room too. But in a less obnoxious sort of way… She looks at all the old people all sweetly and and has them wrapped around her little finger in about 2 seconds flat. Meanwhile, my 10 month old son is making himself into a rabid octopus and trying to throw himself out of my lap so he can crawl around on the floor and attempt to eat people’s shoes. He’s wild. You’d hate me in a doctor’s waiting room (but if I weren’t me, I probably would too). Sigh

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      i would never hate you 😉

  18. […] angry elf, but because I was doing a public service.  When I threatened to make that lady’s baby an orphan, I was simply trying to point out that 4 month-olds don’t speak and that no one looks good in […]

  19. Michelle says:

    I read this, and nearly died. I am the other end of the spectrum from that lady. When my kids go, they behave! It is probably from the pep talk we have in the car before we go inside that sounds like this…”You had better behave in here. Pretend you have manners and know how to be civilized people. You can act crazy at home, but here, you better pretend to be good. Or you better hope you have someone to come get you later, bc I will leave you.”. Also note, my kids are 10, 9 and 7. We have had this same talk for years. It works, have never left any of them. LOL

    1. Autumn says:

      We had that same pep talk when were were growing up. “No gimmes, pleases, can we have, or do we needs. I have a list, I am sticking to it. Keep a hand on the cart at all times.” I’m now 32 and will still sometimes grab on the cart when we go shopping.

  20. Wendy says:

    Oh my God! I needed to see this from you today! Thanks for reposting it. I just spent from 930am to 2pm at the doctors office and hospital with my 7 year old. While in the “sick” room, these “sick” children were screaming, jumping off of chairs, and running in circles. I literally wanted to hurt someone. When we got called back I looked my daughter in the face and told her how proud and appreciative I was that she was so well behaved. She might drive me nuts but that 1 hour waiting just proved how lucky i’ve got it.

  21. Janet says:

    Hahaha! I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks like this. Alot of people say I’m mean. But i personally like to think I’m just not a fucken retard. Lol!

  22. LOL just as good the second time around…

  23. Kim Kastilahn says:

    Awesome! love it

  24. Rebecca Bassett says:

    This is great! There is nothing I hate more then a dirty child!

  25. marraina says:

    HMM loveeeeee this post! I miss you on FB. A week feels like forever. Personally I am a stickler with my 4 year old. He knows better than to run around anywhere. So I know the feeling of this story. I feel it everyday.

  26. Mel says:

    Omgoodness!! I cannot get enough of your blogs!! This has made my day!! 😉

  27. mommabeth says:

    I love this post! I’ll be back for more. When I have been in a store and other’s kids are running around yelling I tell them to go find their mom. I also give them my mean mom look. It works on teens too.

  28. kasmyne presler says:

    First off let me just say I fucking love you!! Great minds
    think alike!! I can’t stand it when someone is so inconsiderate especially allowing their child run around ” sick” spreading germs!! And nope I’ve never heard a 4 month old talk let alone say mama. I have 3 year old twins and a 1 year old.

  29. Robin says:

    You put it the way we all think and I love you for that. Thanks for the great laughs.

  30. Brooke says:

    Love it!!!

  31. Gaby says:

    Love, love. Love you HMM! My 12 yo has pretty bad ADHD. She needs to touch everything and has a quota of ‘hey moms’ she says (about 1000) per day. In my family, there’s something called ‘the look.’ You get ‘the look,’ you better be afraid, VERY AFRAID cause It’s going down!!! I’m yellin’ timber!!

    I’ve cancelled play dates, special school events, family gatherings- anything and everything she enjoys. It’s definitely made a difference. One look is all it takes. I refuse to be THAT fucktard in the jersey dress, ha ha ha

  32. cws says:

    I am so glad I no longer have to go to the pediatrician’s office. When my kids were little there were always a bunch of SMIBs (Southern Maryland In-Breds) with their little dirty faced hellions running around in the waiting room. The moms would either sit there on her phone talking loudly about her ex and what a low-life he is or play games and ignore the little nightmares that they spawned. I finally changed peds to one whose receptionist would get up and yell at the mothers to get their kids in hand. I loved that woman.

  33. Abbie Myers-York says:

    I absolutely LOVE you!!!! Your posts always brighten my day and you always seem to say what I think. BTW love the title lol.

  34. jenny mckean says:

    OMG. I cant say it enough. I LOVE YOU. You always put into words what I cant say but am thinking. Love the post and the title already was making me giggle even before I started to read. Thank you for making my day =)

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