Articles Comments

Hot Mess Mom » Antics, Family, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent » I came home to a vulture on my porch. Not a metaphor.

I came home to a vulture on my porch. Not a metaphor.


I cannot count the posts I have written about BEARS, SNAKES, GATORS and other wildlife that has found it’s way into my house, yard, garage, pool.  We have even had two separate instances where a bird has gotten in the house.

I would take ALL OF THOSE COMBINED.. . including the damned water moccasins…  over what happened here tonight.

Came home from a lovely family dinner to find the dog going ape shit.  I thought there was a bear on my back porch.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  It was a nasty-ass turkey buzzard and it wouldn’t leave.

I opened the patio doors, I turned on the lights.  I calmly walked around the pool holding the 15 foot pool brush in front of me to lead the nasty little fuck to freedom.   He came at me like a honey badger.  But without all of the awesome.  He smelled like the inner hull of a shrimp boat  if it spent weeks in dry dock and forgot to unload it’s last catch.   {insert dry-heave here}

Of course, Seven’s not home.  I called Muffy.  She laughed at me.  I called my parents.  They laughed too, but then came over.

I couldn’t get any good pics/ video of the BLACK bird against the BLACK screen in the BLACK night..  but these little clips should give you the gist of why I’m getting ready to pour a very large, very dirty martini.

can’t see shit here but a dark shape walking on the edge of my dark pool.


please note, that, while my house is never a palace, the back porch generally doesn’t look like this.. as you can see from the ladders and furniture, we are “working” on it…  This is me, my mom and my dad outside with the kids looking on (armed with BB guns and bow & arrows) through the glass doors.

Did you hear it hit the wind chimes??  lol…

And this is the dead animal vomit the nasty fuck left me as a souvenir.  In FOUR different places….









Now listen, I’ve been through a very traumatic experience.  There are only 5 days left to vote for me as a Top 25 Funny Mom.  Please go do so.. You’ll find me around #8.  Just click the ‘vote’ button.  I need the validation.  And lots of therapy.


If you liked this post, please consider leaving a comment, share, or subscribe to RSS feed

Filed under: Antics, Family, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent



Extreme Easter Egg Hunting~ Original Post date 4/8/12

Recap of the past 10 days..

If only I had the time to prank more...

Happy Night

16 Responses to "I came home to a vulture on my porch. Not a metaphor."

  1. Kirstyn says:

    O.M.G…..bwaaaaahahahahahahaha! That shit is funny.

  2. I thought ridiculous things like that only happened in my family. I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

  3. Shynook11 says:

    Poor bird :(

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      really??? We got it out! Poor ME!

      1. shynook11 says:

        You know me…all about the animals

  4. sherrie says:

    Hahahahaha!!!! I have to say that is pretty funny. I had a bull, yes a bull in my garage once and it scared the living hell out of me!!!! I called my hubby at work to ask how to get it out, but he literally was rolling on the floor! What a jerk!!! I know where you are coming from with the animals!! Holy god!!!!!

  5. Megan says:

    That was really funny…I am laughing out loud

  6. Ann says:

    That’s a damn ugly bird. ” He came at me like a honey badger. But without all of the awesome. He smelled like the inner hull of a shrimp boat if it spent weeks in dry dock and forgot to unload it’s last catch. {insert dry-heave here}”
    Quite poetic though.

  7. Bird phobic says:

    Who posts pictures of vomit?? Oh yeah, you do.
    I love your parents, like, for real love them.
    You’re screeching made me laugh, I find pleasure in your fear.

  8. Harley Quinn says:

    I especially loved the “Shit Fuck Fuck” and then the girly scream. You are probably a little calmer than I would have been, but the scream made your cursing seem more ladylike (because I’m so sure that’s exactly what you were going for, no?). Seriously though, I’m dying over here. :D

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      my mom was fussing at me for cursing.. she’s all calm.. “it’s just gonna fly out”.. right after it pinballs off the wind chime…

  9. Dani says:

    OMG! I would die! I hate birds let alone those nasty things. I totally agree about taking a gator or moccasin over the vulture. Eww.

  10. ImakelovetoTito says:

    Why is your house like the anti-Snow White cottage—inviting all the dirty dirties our wildlife has to offer? Maybe the piss in the backyard? :-)

  11. Titoslover says:

    Piss in the front yard, piss in the back yard, same-same.

  12. OMG I loved it! I loved the Screaming like a little girl, it was so funny, but even better cause your Mom and Dad are all like calm and chill and your like a little girl just seen a big furry spider run under her bed.

    Send the boys and seven out back to pee the yard parameter up against those woods like twice a month or so, it will help keep some of the walking intruders out…. don’t know what to tell you about the flying ones. LOL other than they are fragile and should not really hurt you. (unless you are passed out and appear dead or they are from Hitchcock’s “BIRDS”) LOL

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      And I am soo not a wimp.. but I HATE birds!! HATE~! I would have screamed less if it was 20 snakes…

Leave a Reply


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>