Several years ago, after spending months in a constant state of road rage while dropping off and picking up my kids from school, I took it upon myself to write “guide-lines” to be handed out to all parents who dropped off and/or picked up their children from school by car. I honestly believed that the majority of offenders just didn’t know the rules. They could not be that obtuse. They just needed to see the rules in print. That would solve everything! The principal approved it, the PTA President tweaked it, and we have distributed these guidelines ever since. It hasn’t changed a fucking thing.
As luck would have it… now I have a blog. And I don’t have to get approval from the Principal. Or the PTA. Or anyone else for that matter. I don’t have to be politically correct. I don’t even have to be nice.
So, here you go. HMM’s UN-EDITED Student drop-off etiquette:
- First and foremost- teach your child to buckle and unbuckle their own seat-belt before beginning school. It’s not difficult. It’s a life lesson. Go ahead and do it. NOW.
- Do NOT get out of your car in the drop off and/or pick uplane for any reason. “Any reason” includes but is not limited to:
- hugging your child
- fixing a ponytail
- tying a shoe
- watching your child walk into school
- hooking or unhooking a car seat
- buckling or unbuckling a seatbelt
- talking to administration
- talking to another parent
- talking in general
When you pull into the drop-off area, your child should be ready to get the fuck out of the car. Backpack and lunchbox in hand. Seatbelt undone. Good-byes said and well-wishes wished. If your child is scared or upset or needs a little longer with you… we get it… we all have kids.. GO PARK YOUR FUCKING CAR. DO NOT hold up the other 300 cars while you parent.
3. If the drop-off area is on the right-hand side of your car, don’t put your child’s car seat on the left-hand side of your car. You cannot be that stupid. It’s a fucking parking lot! With moving cars in it! WHY do you have the only child exiting the car on the wrong side? Pay attention to what is happening around you. For the love. Oh, you have other children? And their car seat is on the right side? Well, why didn’t you say so! I’ve never met anyone with more than one child before. Fucking switch it.
4. During pick-up, if you see your child waiting but there are still 20 cars in front of you.. NO.. you cannot just drive by us. I’m sorry.. that’s not how it works. We all see our children. But we are waiting for the fucktard up front to finish buckling her child’s seatbelt on the LEFT side of her car, then get back IN her car, fasten HER seatbelt, adjust her rearview mirror, feed her baby and eventually drive away. It’s going to be a while. Read the guidelines while you are waiting.
5. If you are picking up in the car lane, you need to be a car. If you want to park your car and walk to get your child, then pick up your child in the “walker” area. Do NOT park your car, walk through the car line, retrieve your child, walk back through the car line, get in your car and expect ANYONE to let you out. I’m sure you are very busy. I bet you are even too busy to wait in this stupid car line. Guess what Douchecanoe? We all are. And if you pull that shit when my car is blocking you, I may happen to run of of gas in front of you. And I have a lot of friends. One of them may just run out of gas behind you.
6. If an area is marked “No Parking Any Time”, don’t fucking park there. The sign is not there for shits and giggles. It’s most likely marking an area utilized by county and/or emergency vehicles when needed. And if you cut me off to park there, an emergency vehicle will be needed.
7. I know you love your children. I love mine too. I am betting that the asshat zigzagging through the car line loves hers too. We are parents. We love our kids. Sometimes drop off is hard. I get it. I do. But listen… YOUR children and YOUR time are NOT more important than MY children and MY time. So, again… if there are issues… if you just can’t move on with your day without one last hug from your little angel; if your angel can’t get through her day without one last hug from you; if he/she looks so little and scared walking into that big building and you just have to see her actually enter the door…. that is fine! All of it..it’s normal, it happens, and it’s fine. It is not, however, an excuse to hold up the rest of us. Just park your car. Just park it. In a parking spot. In the parking lot. Do NOT stay stopped in the drop off line. Because the rest of us will turn on a dime from concerned and understanding parents to homicidal maniacs who are now late for OUR day because you are a self-absorbed prick.
Thank you for your attention and adherence to these rules. Abide by them and we will all have a great school year.
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