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Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Grown-up time, Ramblings, Uncategorized » Getting married and making babies ~~ It ain’t easy…

Getting married and making babies ~~ It ain’t easy…


I had lunch today with a good friend who is several years younger than me.  When we met, I was 30 and pregnant with Number Two.  She was 22, gorgeous and fresh out of college… all ready to take on the world.   And she did.   She is married, has a BIG job, a baby girl and is pregnant with twins.  ( It’s funny how life comes full-circle)

We tallked about marriage and kids and life and work and during the conversation I realized~~ I don’t remember SHIT.   I mean, obviously I remember some stuff, but really…. as we were talking about when my boys were all under 3 years old and Seven traveled and I worked full-time… it was just blank.

I was in survival mode.  I remember living two years in 5-minute increments.  I didn’t plan.  I didn’t think.  I just did what I could do to get through the next 5 minutes.  Then I started over.

When Number Three turned 2 yrs old,  I was able to live in 30 minute increments.  I could PLAN two things per hour!  The world had slowed down.  It was still blurry… but slower.

By the time Number Three was 3~ I caught up.   I was a real person again.  Almost recovered from 5 years of pregnancy and 3 infants.  Almost.

She asked about my marriage.  How did I like Seven during that time?   And I had to think.  Really, Really THINK back to those first 5 years of marriage.  And I realized, I didn’t have 5 years of marriage.  I had 5 years worth of “1 week stints” of marriage.  I did the exact same thing with marriage as I did with parenthood.   Just tried to get through the next 5 minutes.   In hindsight, had we looked forward (or backwards for that matter) more than a week, I don’t know if we would have made it.    As it is, my tunnel vision brought us 12 years down the road fairly unscathed.    I’m not sure if Seven would agree on that or not.  I have no idea how those years were for him.  I really don’t remember.  Which makes me a tiny bit sad.  But maybe more relieved.  It was a hard few years.  Maybe one of God’s gifts is allowing me to live in ignorant bliss at 40 and not remember crying in the fetal position at 30.  (which I’m pretty sure happened.  More than once)

Anyway.. I don’t even know the purpose of this post.   Other than getting married and having kids is hard.  Amazing,  Wonderful, Fun &  Crazy.  But hard.  Especially at the beginning.  It’s nice to realize how far we’ve come.  And scary to think of how far we have to go.

Maybe when we say “For better or for Worse” they should tell us….

You will not like other.  You will not like your children.  For extended periods of time.  And that’s okay.  Because one day you will like them again.  And then you will love them again.  Always.

664 weeks of marriage and counting…….



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Filed under: Dear Diary, Grown-up time, Ramblings, Uncategorized



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26 Responses to "Getting married and making babies ~~ It ain’t easy…"

  1. Brandee says:

    I truly don’t know how my marriage survived those years. I am so glad that they’re blank for me too. That, more than any thing, prevents me from seriously persuing adopting a baby. I’m just so glad to be on the other side of it now. Love the feeling of living in longer than minute-by-minute increments and we’ve already been so damn lucky.

    Anyway, not a funny comment, but totally what came to mind reading this.

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      not a funny post 🙂 Cannot imagine going back.

  2. Tlevy says:

    Awesome writing! Felt the same… Especially with the two littles 19 months apart!

  3. Savannah says:

    Adulthood is hard. College doesn’t prepare you for a job, and being a human doesn’t prepare you for being a wife and mother. On the job training…. Hope I don’t get fired from that job too 😉

  4. Mendy says:

    I agree, life is hard, marriage is harder, and children, OUCH!
    I only have one and that is hard enough. I barely remember
    the “early years”. They always say to cherish them when they
    are little because it goes so fast, but it is just sooo hard, they
    are hard and we don’t know what we are doing. Nothing can
    prepare you for a baby. Sounds crazy, and in contrast but I
    truly LOVE my teenager! Even though she is “harder” to deal
    with in some ways, I am better and more able to deal. If you
    hang in there long enough.. Life, marriage, and child rearing does
    get easier, you just gotta be tough, really tough, and let’s face it, wine helps!

  5. Ellen says:

    Glad someone else suffered from amnesia, too. Well said!

  6. Dana says:

    I remember very litle of the first decade with Bo cause I was miserable in my own way… I relate so much to this post.

  7. LA says:

    This gives me hope I might feel like a human again….in a few years. P

  8. Patricia says:

    Glad I came across your post…I got 3 littles ones under 3 (16 months apart each) that cause me to be a hot mess more often than I’d like to admit 

  9. Jenn says:

    Ok, I actually cried a little reading this. This is so true in most of our lives. Unfortunately my previous marriage didn’t survive it all… Yet, I’m living it all over again. I’m almost 43 with a 1 year old ( I also have a 16 and 13 year old), and once again I’m living in 5 minute increments. I forgot how hard it is with a baby.. But, I’m in a loving and happy marriage, and I know how fast the kids grow. I’m trying to enjoy Reed even though I have once again “lost myself”. This too shall pass…

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      Happy Bday to Reed! And just think… you won’t remember the stress… only the best 😉 xoxoxo

  10. Kristi says:

    There is a reason you forget how hard the early years of being married with a young child or young children is. It is the same reason you forget the details of giving birth: SURVIVAL!!!! No one would have more than one child, and we would all be in white jacket in padded rooms after child #1. We lose ourselves as mothers, and damn if it is not the hardest thing to come to terms with!!! My youngest is four now…And I am FREE!!!!!! The sign of a good partner is someone who waits for you to resurface, and does not hold the fact that you smell like throw up all the time against you!

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      RESURFACE… I love that… they should tell men that….. your wife will disappear… be prepared. 😉

  11. Farrah says:

    Hahha. How did you know EXACTLY where I am? I mean, I realize I tweeted a bit about it today- but holy cow. Our marriage? The one to our kids is thriving. The one to each other..mmm. Not so much. (sadface).

    1. Hot Mess Mom says:

      don’t focus on it.. i mean.. i’m sure you are.. and i’m sure i was back then.. but it’s such a blur.. read the comments on this post.. one person says about her husband waiting for her to RESURFACE… I love that.. I just love it…

      dude.. it’s fucking hard.. it’s all fucking hard. If you knew it, you wouldn’t have done it… but you did… so suck it up.. put on your big girl panties… try to love your man.. try to love your kids… but know that on the days that you don’t or can’t… it’s okay…..

    2. Kristi says:

      Farrah, we do not know each other… Tell your man that you will be back! Because I assure you that you will be. Holy hell kids and marriage and all that crap is so freakin’ hard!!! I am 34 years old…I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. I never thought I would EVER see the light of day again. Add to that fact that my husband is the ripe old age of…drum roll…31. Holy shit, he is just a baby!!! But he wanted these kids, so he has had to wait for the resurfacing of his baby puke-stained bride. 🙂 And he has. Bless him!!! I work, he owns a business. It is so hard. Way harder than anyone had the balls to tell us. But they do that on purpose…just like no one tells you how hard childbirth is…how much it hurts…how ugly your newborn baby is and how slimy they are. It’s gotta hurt like hell if you’re gonna appreciate it in the long run. Hang on. You will be back. I promise!!!! I never break a promise!!!

  12. […] I wrote a post back in October about the blur and survival-mode living during early motherhood.  You can read that HERE […]

  13. Margo says:

    I’m mother of 3 Baby 18 mo, 3, and 5. I’m constantly cleaning. Picking up toys. Laundry stains, I’m a pro. I remember when my first baby was a newborn folding her little pink clothes was like opening Christmas presents. I was in heaven. Laundry was fun. I felt like I was folding doll clothes. I don’t remember when the new wore off. Now I’m like a robot. No thinking is involved Im numb and exhausted. It seems every day is an act. I do have lovely children but they talk incessently. My brain is fried by the number of odd questions I answer. If I only I could be mesmerized again by little pink socks and white Onesies. Ode to look back and try to be in the moment.


  14. sasha says:

    I have a 12 year old and a 14 year old i wish they were 2 again i hate teen agers

    1. Helen says:

      I’m in total agreement!! Mine are 13 & 19!!
      The 19yr old & his girlfriend are going to make me a grandma this year & I’m just not sure how I’ll cope with a baby in the house again!!

  15. Gloria says:

    I had my kids grown and out of the house…..we just took in my 13 year old niece….holy fuck, have I really forgotten what a hard job this is??? I honestly don’t remember my daughter at 13. I keep trying just so I can compare the two. I feel like I’m in the ocean kicking my feet with all my might to just keep my head above water, and it’s only been a couple of months. God help me…and her!

  16. thebev says:

    Further proof that nothing in life worth having is easy! The first year was a total blur and got better in 6 month increments. But it was so worth it every sleepless, bitchy blurry moment.

  17. Diana says:

    Your lucky, I wish I could forget or wipe out the first few years of mommy hood!!! I remember every horrific moment more than the great ones. That is why I decided that on NO MORE KIDS for me… I call it my personal birth plan!!!

    I remember the aches and pains from the moment I delivered to the achy boobs, the car seats, the bottles, the breast pump, the fact that my significant other and I fought in the middle of the night every night for a 4 years (with 2 kids)on who’s turn it was to make the bottles or change the diapers. Oh and those scary up the back poop explosions, where you have to (within 15 minutes) bathe the baby, dress the baby, and wash the nasty cloths before they get ruined!! Changing the baby various times because the cloths that fit two weeks ago no longer fit as he grew out of them.

    I remember the pain it was to drag my son into a 2 story building, drag the cloths from the laundry mat, and then take the baby back out to look for a parking spot 2 blocks down!!! I remember the fact that it took 5 times longer to get out the door than before, I learned how to take quick showers, quick washroom breaks, and how to take “multi-tasking” to a whole new level.

    I remember every moment that sucked much more than the great ones!!! Trust me you don’t want to remember what you went through, it will bring on PTSD!!!

    Thank you for sharing!!!

  18. […] I wrote a post back in October about the blur and survival-mode living during early motherhood.  You can read that HERE. […]

  19. Erin aka Hot Mama says:

    Wow. I’m soooo there! I LOVE the idea of resurfacing! My son is just 2 1/2, I’m a SAHM, and sometimes I think it was easier when I worked full time right after having him! Some days I can roll with it, Yo, I’m Mommy, I cook, clean, play, craft, read, sing, be silly… I’m awesome. Other days… I’m the Fire Breathing hormone driven psycho who just wants to pee by myself, have my kid be quiet, I swear, for just 30 SECONDS!My son gave up naps a loooong time ago, so from 7 am to 9 pm he is just ON! Hubbs works midnights, so even tho he’s home during the day, he’s not, since he’s sleeping. You see so many moms just bounce back & be their fabulous selves plus baby… I gained 50# after baby! My uniform is yoga pants and a flannel shirt. Sometimes I get prettier up, sometimes I want to make the effort for myself, my husband (hell, even my kid, lol), then I just say, Fuck it. I can’t wait to start feeling like myself again. My “Hot Mama” nickname is from my hubbs, pre-baby. Not really fitting right now, lol. By the by, mine was a home birth, and I remember all of it. 11.5# baby. Yep, my periods are all tucked up & I still don’t poop right. I’m good with 1 kid!

  20. Shelia says:

    I just love this post. I am so enjoying being a mom. I am very haphazard though. Lol. I make many mistakes. Your transparency has done wonders for my heart tonight. Thank you. I had a real hard time during pregnancy, & while I had a lot of help, the best friend that was helping me was also talking about me behind my back. I was judged bc of the diahes in my sink all the time. There were other things too. I just felt so…. well I am sure u can imagine. Going through what I went through though, I am even more sensitive toward those who might not have it all together. Knowing u r not the only one just makes such a difference. I hope that when someone is going through things like this that I can be truly helpful to them.

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