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Hot Mess Mom » Featured, Uncategorized » Dieting makes me want to……

Dieting makes me want to……

 

Commit murder?

Eat your face off?

Exercise?

Weigh myself?

NO.  (Well, sure it makes me want to eat your face off and kill you , but that is not what I’m talking about.)

SMOKE!!  Hunger makes me want to smoke.  Cigarettes.  And lots of them.  And I’m not a smoker!   Well, okay, I smoke ocassionally if I’m out drinking, but not in my real life.  I quit “real” smoking when I was 25.  I NEVER crave a cigarette sober at 10 am.  Seriously.  I crave lots of things at 10 am, but cigarettes are NOT one of them.

So, anyway… clearly I can’t start smoking.   For obvious reasons, but also because it is the circle of death….  I can’t smoke without drinking and I can’t drink without eating.  So… instead of just being a chub, I’ll be a chub in liver-failure with black-lung disease.   And that’s not really an option.   I’m trying to get HEALTHIER, not die before my 40th birthday…  Frick! Frick Frick Shitballs Frick!

I would like it noted that my diet began TODAY.  I woke up at 7:15 am.  It is now 12:25 pm.

in my defense….. as if there is one….. I have been LIVING LARGE the past few months…  eating and drinking WHATEVER and WHENEVER I want.  So, while it may seem ridiculous that I am starving and wanting to suck down a pack of Marlboro’s 5 hours into my diet…. it should be noted that I probably have not gone 5 hours without immediate gratification in months.  MONTHS I tell you!!     (Are you getting why I’m a hot mess??  Are you??)

Okay… so I’m not going to smoke.  I am going to scrub toilets.  Maybe without gloves.  Then I’ll be so disgusted and probably have the dry-heaves and definately not want to put these hands anywhere close to this mouth.  So that’ll be good.  That may be my new diet strategy.  Fuck Weight Watchers…  I need to clean up after my disgusting children with my bare hands.   May be the best diet ever.  I may never eat again.   {i’m getting watery in the back of my throat just thinking about it}….

 


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2 Responses to "Dieting makes me want to……"

  1. Karrie says:

    ha ha ha I have to say I have NEVER thought of that one- grossing yourself out to not eat. I love it! I will be using this POST Halloween/holiday season because there is no way in hell I will be calming down the intake prior to that awesome string of holiday heaven. Of course– that’s not a very good decision. Yours is a very good decision.

  2. kbear0013 says:

    Just wanted to let you know that the best brand of “electronic cigarette” is 21st Century brand. They are the only ones (and I have tried them all) that really make you “feel” like you are smoking. When you inhale, you FEEL it. It’s the best. I use them at work and in places that don’t allow smoking here in Savannah. Go to their website. You can buy them locally and the website gives a list of where you can buy them. You are smoking, but it’s steam!~ ENJOY!~!

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