Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Stellar Parenting Advice » Dear Boys…
Dear Boys…
this post was requested by a reader. She wants HMM guidelines to hang in her bathroom. Ask and you shall receive! 
Dear Boys~
Whether you are a resident or a guest in this home, please follow the below instructions.
-
Lift the toilet seat. Gently. Please no slamming .
-
Unzip pants.
-
Place feet at 11:00 & 1:00. NOT 10:00 & 2:00. You’re not driving. The toilet is not your steering wheel.
-
Please hold your weiner with both hands. Yes, I realize that you don’t consider this a 2-handed job, but it is.
-
Please keep your eyes on the bowl while vein-draining. There is to be no gazing around the room. You watch that stream.
-
There will be NO splash or splatter.
-
If there IS splash or splatter, you will wipe it immediately with the toilet paper located on the roll beside you.
-
Put Captain Winky away.
-
Zip your pants.
-
Check AGAIN for splash or splatter.
-
Wash your hands.
-
Now wash them again. This time use soap.
-
Put toilet lid down. Do not slam it.
In the event of an assquake:
-
Wipe your ass. Not once. Not twice. You are to wipe your poopshoot until it is clean.
-
Flush the toilet.
-
You are not to leave this room until 100% of your brown trout has made it downstream.
-
Follow instructions 11-13 above.
Love, Mom
 | If you liked this post, please consider leaving a comment, share, or subscribe to RSS feed |
Filed under: Dear Diary, Stellar Parenting Advice
RELATED POSTS & INTERESTSMy trip to the liquor storeI think "life lesson", my boys think "homeless man's toilet water"I had a slow leak (not a metaphor) and now I need a wife.This is how Seven & I fightMy house may actually get CLEAN today! |
Forgot a ton..I’ll fill it the blanks appropriately.
this post was requested by a reader. She wants HMM guidelines to hang in her bathroom. Ask and you shall receive!
Dear Boys~
Whether you are a resident or a guest in this home, please follow the below instructions.
1.Lift the toilet seat. Gently. Please no slamming. In the event that you find yourself in a class 4 emergency in a city that is not on a map and you witness the locals enjoying some malt liquor on the curb, you can exclude this step due to sanitation reasons.
2.Unzip pants. This is an important step. The snake can sometimes have a mind of his own. Reckless behavior on the zipping down and up can result in severe discomfort and the awkward moment of putting neosporin on your wanker. Please concentrate. Additionally, do not drop the pants to your ankle…good lord…especially when you’re a little kid at a packed Magic game restroom…you will end up on facebook probably by some heartless half jew.
3.Place feet at 11:00 & 1:00. NOT 10:00 & 2:00. You’re not driving. The toilet is not your steering wheel. This rule can be deviated once you master the more advanced skillsets. If you’re talking to some hot little hoochie and you absolutely got to pee, deviation is granted. You never can let said hoochie hear you peeing when talking to her and may have to position at 1 and 2 to pee on the inside porcelain part. Flush later. Girls are crazy, you don’t want to ruin your only opportunity with that chick.
4.Please hold your weiner with both hands. Yes, I realize that you don’t consider this a 2-handed job, but it is. Your weiner is not a log, one hand is sufficient. As will be discussed later, you will lose your aiming prowess by including the second hand due to lack of wrist flexibility.
5.Please keep your eyes on the bowl while vein-draining. There is to be no gazing around the room. You watch that stream. Exceptions include if you’re texting, surfing the internet or talking on the phone. Those are more important than peeing. You can always have your maid clean the urine later and nothing wrong with marking your place in a guests house…Your way of saying, you’re welcome for me spending time with you.
6.There will be NO splash or splatter. Priorites are key in the step. Priority 1 includes peeing off any residual skid marks. If some lazy b@stard left some skid marks, it is your responsible as a skilled marksman to chip away and clean the bowl. Kinda like you’re a superhero. If splashing or splatter occurs, so be it…You have the power, use it. Priority 2 includes having a keen sense of awareness of any flying objects in your vicinity. If some unexpecting flying insect flies in radar, it is your job to strike him down like you’re Luke Skywalker and your pee is your lightsaber. May the force be with you young jedi’s. In the event, you strike the beast…you must post on facebook your heroic accomplishments immediately. This may result in a mess; however, noone said being a champion is easy.
7.If there IS splash or splatter, you will wipe it immediately with the toilet paper located on the roll beside you. If you’re in a house with someone who has recently annoyed you, feel free to use paper towels. They’re no water soluble and within 24 hours they’ll be staring at the butt crack of a plumber who just hit them up for a cool two hundo.
8.Put Captain Winky away. As stated earlier, please concentrate. Zipping up on winky will cause great agony.
9.Zip your pants.
10.Check AGAIN for splash or splatter. Only if you find yourself with homosexual tendencies, otherwise, scamper out of there and get back to facebook to status your slaying on the flying intruder.
11.Wash your hands. Only if you pee on your hands striking the fruit fly. Isn’t like you been rubbing dollar bills on your dong….well, maybe wash your hands…good call.
12.Now wash them again. This time use soap. If you’re peeing outside in a neighbors bushes, on a wall, or an alley. The washing hands thing can be skipped…
13.Put toilet lid down. Do not slam it.
In the event of an assquake:
1.Wipe your ass. Not once. Not twice. You are to wipe your poopshoot until it is clean. This is an important to step. The clean break is rare, so don’t bank on it. More times than not you will experience full on disaster cause you little bastards eat like shit. Now, if you find yourself in the restroom of some haagi mart or in a turnpike bathroom, you will notice those cheap SOB’s can’t get off their wallets and buy good toilet paper. If you don’t double up the TP you may risk a finger breakthrough and potentially dookie touch. Be extremely careful. Since you’re a male and have other important stuff to do like lay on a couch and watch TV, you must always carry Anti-monkey butt powder with you. Subsequent Red Ass from neglecting this step will cause unwanted symptoms such irritability, discomfort, rage, pain and even tears.
2.Flush the toilet. If you leave a skid mark, please come back shortly and target practice after you finish your Big Gulp Dr. Pepper.
3.You are not to leave this room until 100% of your brown trout has made it downstream. See Paper Towel comment above if some Haagi is too lazy to clean the damn bathroom and made you poo on an unsanitized disgusting mess…
4.Follow instructions 11-13 above.
Love, Mom
oh holy shit Squeak… i am PEEING in my pants… There is something terribly terribly TERRIBLY wrong with you!! “potential dookie touch’…. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA!!! {And ladies~~ the treasure who wrote this is single and yours for the taking!}
I think it’s funny either way!! Concise version for the bathroom sign, extended version for when you need to snort-laugh!
This is SOLID GOLD, honey. Love your use of the terms “brown trout” (one of my faves), vein-draining, and Captain Winkie. You are a delight! I too would post this proudly in any of my bathrooms. Make a poster, I will buy it.
Now as for your friend, Idol, all I can say is: GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG, DUDE. It is repugnant to me that someone would try to steal the spotlight of your clearly awesome and beautifully concise post by writing such a long-winded and inappropriate comment. You are a class act for responding the way you did. I apologize for butting in, but people who are clueless about comment etiquette are one of my pet peeves.
Love your blog! I’ll be back!
A lot if people I know read your blog, so im trying to stay anonymous…
But I don’t have kids.. but im thinking of putting this up for my husband? He is usually pretty good, but he is a guy and I think it will be hysterical.
do it! You can change it to Love, your wife
HMM has now reached another level. The comments by Your Idol (Squeek) are in fact the most valuable insight to the male mind that will dare be published concerning the male bathroom psyche. For this, he is now shunned by the Heterosectual Male community. You are correct he is single, buys his hand soaps from Bath and Body Works, owns a cat and has an extremely abnormal fascination with the reality show The Bachelor. Another attribute is his ability to squeal louder than a tween girl at a Justin Bieber concert at the mere sight of a spider. Squeek, stay hot kid.
LMAO!
LMAO I freaking love it! I think I will print this out in beautiful script letters! Put in beautiful frame and hang on the walls of all 3 bathrooms in my home! Do you have one telling the boys to wipe their ass too?!!
The above poster named “Your Idol” is my new future ex-husband….
he’s a c/o ’90… and he’s an angry elf…. God Love that little freak.
This is great! Just yesterday, my 6-year-old said, “Mom, I did something bad. When I went pee, I was looking at the bathtub and didn’t know the toilet lid was closed.” What a mess! Pee everywhere. He did not enjoy cleaning that up.
More about me: http://lubbockonline.com/interact/blog-post/shelly-gonzales/2012-02-16/some-stories-really-leave-lasting-impression#.Tz0f9oePX0c
I just read this to my 3 boys! (who violate these rules on a daily basis!!). We are putting these on poster board and posting in each bathroom!!
Um… how about put the toilet lid down *before* washing hands? Doing it afterwards just cancels out handwashing.
Mom at Last Loves Hot Mess Mom!!!
I love this post, so clever.
I also have a post on my website which is a letter to my adopted sons, which you can find at http://www.momatlast.com under the What is a Mom at Last in the Watch my Boys Grow Section! <3 Every Mom has a Journey and that journey can sometimes we a hot mess!!! <3
I laughed so loud and so hard, the kids came in to check on me, and found me crying at my computer! Thank you for the glimpse of what takes place inside the male psyche. The toilet talk was hilarious! Can’t wait for more….HMM and Squeak should write a post together!
Why is it so hard??? All I do is scrub grout…..
Could you create a large printable for me to hang in my bathroom? Please?
These are awesome! Thanks for linking up to finding the funny!
Anna
Yes, one would think something so natural would be a lot less complex, right? And I’m totally stealing assquake.
Just found your blog and it is now on the top of my favs….especially this post!
Why Thank you! And welcome to the absurdity that is my life
I’ll print this out and add it to the contract my kid has to sign as soon as he learns to read. Hilarious – brown trout? OMgosh.
That is hysterical and I can’t believe you have all that “boy” lingo mastered. The brown trout??? God help me if I ever have boys.
Thanks for the suggestions. I’m tired of having to don shoes early in the morning so I don’t stand in a puddle.
Love this website, you always make me laugh
And, these are definitely going up on the cabinet above the toilet, in bright colored pretty letters. 
These suggestions are great for teen boys, too. Might as well post them up while they are young and leave them there until they head out on their own.
yup.. my plan is to laminate ( due to spray) and keep until my boys have their own children.
You forgot the line that I yell at my boys at least 10 times a week:
“It’s a penis NOT a sword”
and also
“One at a time, you can not pee into the same toilet… one of you always ends up soaking wet”
and last
“DAMN IT! My butt is soaked! LIFT THE SEAT WHEN YOU PEE.”