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Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary, Family, Grown-up time » couples massage? ick.

couples massage? ick.


I bought some massage gift certificates from the spa the other day.  As I was perusing the pamphlet, I once again had to silently question the “Couples Massage”.   I don’t get the appeal of that.    I get massages regularly.  Seven gets them occasionally, usually when we are at a resort somewhere.  Never do we get them together.

There is nothing romantic about a couples massage (in my mind).  I get massages because I need them.  I have sciatica, and the rest of my body is always 5 feet 8 inches of solid knots.  My massages consist of lots of cursing and threats of violence towards my massage therapist as he/she digs her elbows into my ass, back or neck.  Then I leave a big tip and schedule again for the next month.

Even if I got relaxing massages and not deep tissue massages, I still wouldn’t want someone else in the room with me.    I don’t want anyone to talk to me.  I don’t want to hear anyone else’s sighs or groans.  Gross.

Which leads me to this.

Seven and I are spending this weekend at the Ritz-Carlton.  Without kids.  (it’s a business junket, we aren’t that fancy).  The organizer made us massage appointments.  I was really excited.  He just got an email confirming our treatments and our times.

Him:  Hey honey.. we are all set.  2:00 p.m. – Spa treatment- East Indian Lime Scalp and Body Massage- 80 minutes.  Oh! and look!!  we are in the couples room!

Me:  ugh..  gross.   seriously?

Him:  What? {sigh}

Me: {reiterate all of my thoughts above}..   but I’m sure it will be really nice.

Him:  yeah.. you sound pretty excited.

Me:  i am!!

Him:  And THIS is why I don’t do nice things for you.

Me:  Can we finish this conversation in a minute?? I feel a blog post coming on and I haven’t written in forever.

SOOOO…  seriously….  am I missing something?  Is there something nice or romantic or sweet about being naked on a table next to your significant other naked on another table while both of you are being rubbed by a 3rd and 4th person?   Help me understand this.

{click that banner.. I need to go talk to my husband}


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Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Grown-up time



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18 Responses to "couples massage? ick."

  1. joe dee says:

    someone else does all the foreplay and you get to come in and close the show…win. haha :)

  2. My husband would fart during the couples massage and ruin the entire thing. We would laugh the entire time and nothing would be accomplished. Couples massages sound like a great idea but the reality would suck ass.
    Have fun, keep your eye on Seven. I can imagine the therapist asking, “where’s Seven”??

  3. Kelley says:

    I hate couples massages. We’ve done that a couple times. My husband loves it. I can’t stand it!!! It’s totally distracting and I can never fully relax. It would never be my choice to have a couples massage. EVER.

  4. beth says:

    As a massage therapist, I don’t see the appeal in it either… lol. I have lots of messed up stories with couple massages… :-)

  5. joanna says:

    I asked my husband and he says a couples massage is fine as long as we both don’t get happy endings in the same room, lol! My husband is a riot.

  6. Amy M.R. says:

    Ok, I was gonna post about how I think they are gross and icky too but now I’m focused on Beth’s reply. Come on Beth, you can’t leave us hanging.

  7. Jeff Anding says:

    To me it’s like the Cialis commercials with both people laying in footed tubs holding hands watching the sun set…what IS the point…it has nothing to do with the product…same with couples massage…I want that experience to be between me and the hot asian chick (or whatever) for the next 50 minutes… :)

  8. Elaine says:

    No way. I get a massage once a month and they are sacred. Just for me. Not sharing it with my hubby or anyone else.

  9. Katie says:

    This sounds awful. Get out of it. What if he pitches a tent? I would watch for it the whole time and then point it out when it happens. Also there would be giggling and eww what if there’s eye contact? This sounds awful.

    1. Cait says:

      I got a couples massage for my hubs n I for an anviersary gift, totally kept checking if he popped a tent the entire time! Lol

  10. Katie says:

    Beth give us one or several.

  11. jacqui says:

    aaaaacccckkkkkk – nothing good will come out of this – no pun intended…

  12. New Evil-Step-Mom says:

    I would do it just because my Hubby is a riot and we would make it fun and relax regardless with all the laughing, But seriously it would feel like such a waist, I would prefer to have no distractions and be just me. And his be just his.

  13. Joy says:

    Yeah…I’m not down with the whole massage thing – I don’t like people touching me. So the idea of both of us getting a massage at the same time…not appealing….eeewwww.

  14. Carri says:

    I will never do a couples massage…AGAIN!!! Had one with my husband a few years ago at a very fancy resort(his suggestion). Being that he had never had one, I was giving him the run down ie:naked or not..I always strip down but he thought he should wear his underwear. “didn’t want to seem presumtuous” Seriously!? We get into the room I got a sweedish, him a deep tissue…see where this is going? The grunting and moaning were bad enough, my massage therapist kept telling me to relax but that was not happening. About 25 minutes into my massage i hear him talking to his therapist and then a lot of rustling look over and he is wriggling out of his f*ing boxers and drop them next to the table!! WTF??!! I was mortified!! worst massage experience of my life.

  15. Shannon says:

    There are just some things not meant to be shared.

  16. Erika says:

    I’m a massage therapist and I absolutely DREAD couples massages. I don’t see anything relaxing, let alone comfortable being in the same room with someone else getting a massage??

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