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Hot Mess Mom » Vodka Baby

St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah

St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah

It’s such a fun, hot mess day!!  It’s one of my favorite annual excursions!   Bring the kids, pack some coolers, set up a tent at 5:30 am and wait for the parade to get to you around 11:30.    Irish coffees, bloody marys and a football make the time pass quickly. If you can ever swing it….it’s an event to add to your bucket list…. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Grown-up time, Travel, Vodka Baby

Because it’s not enough to put my own children in therapy.

I took my 5 year old neice shopping with me today.  I had to run into Marshall’s for a baby doll ( it’s Vodka Baby time!).  Nanan, what are we getting here? I need to get a baby doll Why? Because I need to make something with it. Are you going to take it apart? {looking around store nonchalantly… ingoring her}..   Nanan!  Are you going to take it apart? Yes. Are you going to take the head off like you did to that other one? What other one? The doll that I saw at your house with no legs and no head. Oh.  You saw that? Yes. Then yes.  We made our way to the baby doll aisle.   I started picking up dolls (cuz you know I have to make sure the head is decapitatable) .    One of the dolls started giggling.  Oh Nanan!  Please … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Vodka Baby, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Yes. There will be therapy.

  I feel like we are all in agreement that my children will one day be in therapy.  What we may disagree on , are the reasons why. For example, I do not believe my children are negatively impacted by the fact that their mother speaks like a drunken sailor.  Nor do I believe that they will suffer terribly from my flushing their live Beta fish down the toilet “because it wasn’t supposed to live this long”.   Walking in on Seven and I having “an upside-down tickle fight” (more than once) ..  will not linger in their subconscious. When Number One complains about doing something, and I give him the choice to do it or listen to the story of the night he was conceived~~ no biggie. When I imitate Number Two’s speech on a regular … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Family, Stellar Parenting Advice, Vodka Baby, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

wrapping gifts is fun

Today.. one of my favorite Christmas traditions..    For the 5th or 6th year .. my wonderful awesome super-cool friend and I had our “wrapping day”   Just so you know..   a wrapping day in my world goes a litle something like this: Is the champagne chilled?    yes. Is the food out? yes. Do you think 3 bottles is enough? if not, we can send the college son to get us more. “pop!” shit.  where’s the tape? I don’t have the tape.  YOU had the tape. We need more tape.   College son..  please go buy more tape. why can’t i find my scissors? cuz they are under your tissue paper. oh.  there they are! ‘pop!’ this champagnes is too sweet.    Do you want more pizza? I’m having beer now.  Shit.   I need to pick up the kids in 30 minutes.  that sucks “ring ring”..  hello friend..  can you pls pick up … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time

i’m guessing this didn’t happen to you today

  It’s things like this that made me start a blog.   I live in cartoon world.  Sooo… school, school, errand, errand, errand, t-shirts, errand, liquor store.  I have to go the the liquor store to procure 2 bottles of vodka for 2 more Vodka Babies.    {so…there’s that ridiculousness}   I walk into my neighborhood liquor store (where the propieter and I know each other very well.  And yes.. I do have him programmed into my phone… no judging).    “Sam”  I say…  “ I need a bottle of Grey Goose and a bottle of Titos.”      And then I smelled cologne.    Lots of it.    Followed by a deep German accented voice asking me  “Are you 21?  Would you like to have some orgy’?    uh..   what? Would you like to sample some OR-G?  It is liqueur… {blah blah blah blah.. details, descriptions … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Grown-up time, Vodka Baby

i failed the pencil test ™

  damn.   damn damn damn damn….   I have officially failed the pencil test.  FML. I am 39.  I have nursed 3 babies.  And yet…  I have continued to pass the pencil test year after year…   {note:  pencil test ~~ as if you didn’t know~~ is……   put a pencil or a crayon under your boob.   If it falls down , your boobs are awesome.  If it stays,  your boobs are droopy, and therefore suck.} I have NEVER held a pencil.  Or a crayon.   Until now.    We all know I’ve gained some weight recently.  (could be the 1-year bender.. I dunno… nobody’s judging)… ..  The bonus of my weight gain that my boozoombas are huge.   The negative of huge boozoombas is that I have now failed the pencil test.   {and yes.. I gave myself the pencil test just … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Ramblings, Uncategorized

jingle balls ™ (warning: this post is offensive)

  I’m sitting here, waiting for my hair to color and have 15 minutes to kill.  Soooo, I thought I would explain where “jingle balls” came from.  When I was in college, I worked at a bar.  I worked at several bars actually, but those are not a part of this story.  One night during the holidays, towards the end of a double shift, my best friend (and also Number One’s godfather), my roommate,  and I were a litle drunk and a little slap-happy.  We started making up our own alternate versions of Christmas Carols.     We wrote them on a check.  Which I still have 20 years later.  I call The Godfather every Christmas and sing him our songs.  And we pee our pants.  (Halfway because it’s so funny and halfway because we are old now.  And … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time

We may be funny, but we are not nice.

  We have 3 other families that we do a LOT with.  Like.. a LOT.    Our kids are the same age, we all enjoy a cocktail or 20, and we have geographical desirability.   (translation: driving is not an issue).  We all have a very similar sense of humor, which is generally dark and disturbing, but holy hell do we laugh!  We laugh ’til we pee.  Well, some of us pee and others snort.  Either way, it’s a good time. For the most part, we are not very nice to each other.  I mean, we like each other, but we are like a pack of hyenas.  We sense weakness.  You do NOT want to be the weak one in this group.  We will tear you limb from limb. One of the men was going to … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Grown-up time, Uncategorized, Vodka Baby

Seven LOVES it when I party like a rockstar

Seven LOVES it when I party like a rockstar

  {No.  He does not} I don’t think that words can properly describe the events of last night’s birthday party. And since a picture is worth a thousand… here are thirteen thousand …..  Enjoy 😉   I was so happy to be wearing heels We stopped at the Fish Out of Water Sushi truck…  it was DELICIOUS!!   (yes.. we ate sushi from a truck..  and were pleasantly surprised!) Jagermeister shots ensued…  Who does that??   (that’s me on the right..  I guess I does … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time, Uncategorized

Hangovers kill creativity

  The “tips” from the blogesphere say that you MUST post every day when beginning your blog.   There are many reasons for this, and it of course makes sense.   But here’s my problem…  I drank 750 beers last night, took the kids to the beach today, and the only thing I want to do right now is lose this headache, drink a fountain Coke and go get a pizza. So that’s what I am going to do.  Will share some wit with you tomorrow…  And probably even tell you that the reason I drank 750 beers last night was because I hated my children so much yesterday, I had to drink the memory of them away.  At a fundraiser.  For St. Jude. And yes, I realize it is horrible to complain about your … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time, Ramblings