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Hot Mess Mom » Drunk Blogging

i failed the pencil test ™

  damn.   damn damn damn damn….   I have officially failed the pencil test.  FML. I am 39.  I have nursed 3 babies.  And yet…  I have continued to pass the pencil test year after year…   {note:  pencil test ~~ as if you didn’t know~~ is……   put a pencil or a crayon under your boob.   If it falls down , your boobs are awesome.  If it stays,  your boobs are droopy, and therefore suck.} I have NEVER held a pencil.  Or a crayon.   Until now.    We all know I’ve gained some weight recently.  (could be the 1-year bender.. I dunno… nobody’s judging)… ..  The bonus of my weight gain that my boozoombas are huge.   The negative of huge boozoombas is that I have now failed the pencil test.   {and yes.. I gave myself the pencil test just … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Ramblings, Uncategorized

jingle balls ™ (warning: this post is offensive)

  I’m sitting here, waiting for my hair to color and have 15 minutes to kill.  Soooo, I thought I would explain where “jingle balls” came from.  When I was in college, I worked at a bar.  I worked at several bars actually, but those are not a part of this story.  One night during the holidays, towards the end of a double shift, my best friend (and also Number One’s godfather), my roommate,  and I were a litle drunk and a little slap-happy.  We started making up our own alternate versions of Christmas Carols.     We wrote them on a check.  Which I still have 20 years later.  I call The Godfather every Christmas and sing him our songs.  And we pee our pants.  (Halfway because it’s so funny and halfway because we are old now.  And … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time

Seven LOVES it when I party like a rockstar

Seven LOVES it when I party like a rockstar

  {No.  He does not} I don’t think that words can properly describe the events of last night’s birthday party. And since a picture is worth a thousand… here are thirteen thousand …..  Enjoy 😉   I was so happy to be wearing heels We stopped at the Fish Out of Water Sushi truck…  it was DELICIOUS!!   (yes.. we ate sushi from a truck..  and were pleasantly surprised!) Jagermeister shots ensued…  Who does that??   (that’s me on the right..  I guess I does … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time, Uncategorized

Hangovers kill creativity

  The “tips” from the blogesphere say that you MUST post every day when beginning your blog.   There are many reasons for this, and it of course makes sense.   But here’s my problem…  I drank 750 beers last night, took the kids to the beach today, and the only thing I want to do right now is lose this headache, drink a fountain Coke and go get a pizza. So that’s what I am going to do.  Will share some wit with you tomorrow…  And probably even tell you that the reason I drank 750 beers last night was because I hated my children so much yesterday, I had to drink the memory of them away.  At a fundraiser.  For St. Jude. And yes, I realize it is horrible to complain about your … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time, Ramblings

untitled.. 9-24-11

  Note to self: Should not keep Funyuns in the house… The End. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, I may be PMSing...

Stupid stupid stupid day!

HOLY G*Damn Mother F*er shitballs…..     are you kidding me with this day?? Let me recap… First, I woke up and I was hot.  Like, abnormally hot.  But…like may of us, I have grown accustomed to hotflashes AND I drank a bit of champagne last night, so … whatever..   I made the kiddos breakfast– omelets to be exact, and 2 of the 3 of them complained because they wanted Eggos with Nutella… Guess what?  Bite my ass and eat your F*ing omelet you ungrateful little shits. I then brought the little angels to school and returned home.  And it was hot.  Like really really really hot.   Checked the thermostat– set at 75, currently at 82.  Checked the outside unit… saw some condesation .. prayed it was just a frozen whatchamacalit… turned it off, ran the … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Family, I may be PMSing..., Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome, Uncategorized

NEVER give me your alarm code

NEVER give me your alarm code

  If you knew me well, you would know better than to allow access into your home unsupervised.  Especially when I’ve been drinking. Our very close friends were out of town for a weekend. Wehad a mid-day Siete’ de Mayo celebration.  Which is just like Cinco’ de Mayo but a few days later. And in the daytime. After too much tequila, we (I) decided to break out J-Ho (our blow-up doll — to be explained in a seperate post … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Featured