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Hot Mess Mom » Stellar Parenting Advice

the creator of the school lunches does not have children. {according to Number Two}

  I pack my kids healthy well-balanced lunches every day consisting of fruit, veggies, juice, cheese, nuts and a protein.   I’m an incredibly responsible and health conscious parent.   Unless I’m tired.  Or lazy.  Or forgot to go to store.  Or stayed up too late.   Then they buy lunch.  Which basically means that my kids buy lunch 80% of the time.   (Okay.. 90%). My boys have the tendency to obsess over stuff.  { I have no idea where they got that trait..  weird}.    Monday is pizza day– everyone loves pizza day.  Tuesday is nacho day.    This is our conversation EVERY Tuesday afternoon and it repeats en total throughout Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning only ending at school drop-off. Hey Number Two!  How was your day?  Fine. Best thing that happened?  I got an A on a test, we … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Food, Stellar Parenting Advice, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Serenity NOW!

  Lord have mercy.  Truly. I am blessed beyond measure.  I am.  I have been blessed in ways unfathomable to me.  I have.  I am grateful.  I am thankful.  I have much to be thankful for.  That all being said… I am seriously struggling with my children’s inability and/or blatant disinterest in schooling and schoolwork.  It’s killing me.  Poor Number Two struggles so much and I swear, the more help he receives, the worse he gets.  Now, in addition to not reading, he is not doing well in math.  He was a math savant until this year, and now cannot round numbers or do multiplication.  Number One…who I had such high hopes for in middle school…has slowly but surely slid back into his old ways and recieved 9 F’s on assignments in the past 2 … Read entire article »

Filed under: Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Number One and the case of the missing homework.

  Less than 48 hours ago, I wrote about Number Two, his learning disability, his hard work, and the encouragement of his new teacher. I have three boys.  They are all very different.  Today…{sigh}… I write about Number One, his ridiculously high intelligence, his total, complete and utter laziness, and how crazy he is going to make his new teachers. Number One is in 6th grade– middle school.  He is in advanced/honors classes in every subject.   He regularly received C’s in elementary school.  He doesn’t complete many assignments and half-asses the ones he does.  He is brilliant.  He is lazy.  He is disinterested.  He is me. He is ME.  To the core of his being, he is ME.  We butt heads constantly.  We yell at each other.  I HATE his laziness and lack of motivation.  … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

New parenting tactic. Effective immediately.

  My boys fight.  They are boys.  They are fight.  Whatever. Number One has the worst temper and is the most physical.  He is always getting into trouble for hitting, punching, and pushing his brothers.  He gets  punished because he’s the oldest and the biggest, and I have ZERO flipping tolerance for physical violence.  {That being said.. he has my temper..which is quick and hot.  So I get it..  but I’m not okay with it}. The other two are starting to retaliate.  Big time.   So now my house is just a big tornado of flailing arms, swinging fists, and tears.  I’m pretty fucking over it. This morning, I put a new rule into effect. I called them all into the room and had them sit. Boys, I’m done.  I’m DONE with the fighting and the hitting … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice

this morning’s parenting lesson

  Oh. My. God! The boys and I are heading to the beach today for a few nights with friends.   I’m packing up, making breakfast, loading the ice chest and doing one last load of laundry. I gave Numbers Two and Three a trash bag and told them to go clean out the car. Number Two:  What do we have to clean? Me:  Just get everything out of the car… start in the way back.. do both rows of seats and then anything in the front. Number Two:  WE didn’t get the front dirty!!  I’m only going to do the back rows of seats.   The front and the way back are your areas.. You use those! So I glared at him, and right before I started to scream at that little bastard…  my genius light-bulb went off…..    … Read entire article »

Filed under: Stellar Parenting Advice, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I am NOT raising music-douches

  I love music.  Any type of music.  I love it.  There is always music playing at my house. There is always dancing.  Always. When I was young and my family would take road trips, we all had our own 8-tracks or cassettes and we took turns.  My dad was always first and always played either Kenny Rodgers, Englebert Humperdinck, or The Lettermen.   My mom’s selections were Jim Croce, Diana Ross and Donna Summer.  I varied between Michael Jackson, Prince, The Violent Femmes and The Go-Go’s.  My sister played Garth Brooks. We each outwardly hated and secretly enjoyed each other’s selections.   Listening to my dad belt out  “Put your head on my shoulder” made us cringe and laugh.  Watching my dad listen to the Violent Femmes or Prince…. made us cringe even more and laugh … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice

PETA wouldn’t have me. (alternate title: hermit crabs are stupid)

PETA wouldn’t have me.  (alternate title: hermit crabs are stupid)

  Soo, you know how I don’t think that anything that costs less than $10 is “real money”?   (See HERE for clarification) Well apparently I also don’t think that anything with less than four legs is a real animal.  Or at least an animal worth caring about.   I’m not proud of this and I’ve never realized this about myself.   Until yesterday. Driving home from the beach we passed a surf shop with a sign out front that said “Free Hermit Crab with Purchase”. Number … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Number One finding himself?

  Number One is in his last month of Elementary School.  5th Grade graduation is around the corner.    The dreaded Middle School years are looming. For years I have told him Dude… middle school sucks.  It just sucks.  It’s not the school… it’s the age.   6th – 8th grade years blow.   Hormones, puberty, acne…  girls who look like they are 20 and girls who look like they are 8.   Boys who are 4’5″ and boys who are 6’2″.    Ick.   Just get through it.  In high school, most of the awkwardness will be behind you and you can be whoever you want.   But in middle school, just get through it. I’ve bought him every humor book with “Middle School– the worst years of my life”, “Middle School Survival Guide” etc in the title.  We … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Stellar Parenting Advice

you show your ass, I’ll show mine.

Number One has been exceptionally assholish lately.    If you think it’s inappropriate to call an 11 year-old an asshole… well, you are probably right…. but since I’m out of the running for 2012’s Mother of the Year, I’m just gonna roll with it. I won’t get into details and specifics, but basically if Number One could adult-nap Seven and run away.. just the two of them forever…he would be a happy camper.  His brothers and I are nothing more than a spur in his saddle.  Especially me.  Ya’ll know I have a bit of a temper.   I also have little patience and a very low threshold for bullshit.    That combined with Number One’s recent acceleration of assholishness has made for a very trying week.  But…once again… my evil genius has saved the day.   Beginning … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Dear Boys…

this post was requested by a reader.  She wants HMM guidelines to hang in her bathroom.   Ask and you shall receive!  😉 Dear Boys~ Whether you are a resident or a guest in this home, please follow the below  instructions. Lift the toilet seat.  Gently.  Please no slamming . Unzip pants. Place feet at 11:00 & 1:00.   NOT 10:00 & 2:00.  You’re not driving.  The toilet is not your steering wheel.  Please hold your weiner with both hands.   Yes, I realize that you don’t consider this a 2-handed job, but it is.  Please keep your eyes on the bowl while vein-draining.  There is to be no gazing around the room.  You watch that stream.   There will be NO splash or splatter. If there IS splash or splatter, you will wipe it immediately with the toilet paper located on the roll beside you. Put … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Stellar Parenting Advice