Articles Comments

Hot Mess Mom » I may be PMSing…


Number One needs a pic of himself NOW and as a toddler for his 5th grade graduation party.  And they have to be real pictures… not electronic.   Since I haven’t possesed a “real” picture in 5 years, I had to go into “the box”.   “The Box” is what I have where you rest of you have “baby books” and “scrapbooks”.  “The Box” is a big jumbo pile of the first 5 years of motherhood.  Nothing is labeled.  There are no dates.  No cutesie sayings.  No bows.  Just a box full of pictures.   I’ve told you that I have very little memory of my first several years of motherhood due to the whole  3 kids in 3 1/2 years, full-time job, traveling husband situation.   Looking at those pictures made my heart … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, I may be PMSing...

Your douchiness is a huge disappointment to me

I love Facebook.   I do.   This blog was started because I was such a Facebook addict and posted all of my ridiculous shit daily.   Eventually, my friends convinced me to get a larger forum.. and….Viola’…. Hot Mess Mom was born.     But that’s not the point.   The point is that I love Facebook!   I refused to join forever citing “I don’t want half the friends I have now, much less the ones I had twenty years ago”.   And I was firm on that stance.  Until people that I had completely forgotten about came crawling of the woodwork and I remembered how much I actually liked them.  OR people that I didn’t like, or didn’t know, or was too snobby to acknowledge came around and I realized that I liked them too!  … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing..., Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome

You can keep your dollar..

You can keep your dollar..

I am a cook.   I love to cook and I’m good at it.   (note:  COOK, not bake!  I hate baking).   I generally make everything from scratch.    I tell you this only to explain that I am comfortable in the kitchen.  I can chop.  I can dice.  I can work all four burners on my stove like Lindsay Lohan can work a crack pipe.   I am a good cook.  The thing I like the least about cooking … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Food, I may be PMSing...

holy mood swings batman.

Soo..  My kids are totally on my nerves this morning.   Number One especially, but all three are pissing me off.     I won’t go into details, but just know that I was seriously wondering how I could be raising such assholes.     Seven called at some point and I didn’t like his tone.   So then I realized that my kids are assholes because of their father.   But instead of making me feel better, it made me annoyed that I am married to an asshole.  Then The Today show had a segment with some bat-shit crazy trashbag from one of those Real Housewives shows and her lips were soo full of semen collagen that in addition to my desire to choke/cut her through the television screen, I also wanted to post to all fans of Hot … Read entire article »

Filed under: I may be PMSing..., Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I’m a napper. Don’t judge me.

  Seven came home around 1:30 today and caught me about to take a nap. Oh.. hey…how was golf? Didn’t play golf.  Just hit balls..   Do you take a nap every day????  Maybe.     Don’t be judgy. {Eye roll and judgy look} Hey dick..  don’t judge..  why are YOU home? To take a nap before I have to work until midnight.  AND I’m jet-lagged! Well, I’m life-lagged.   And don’t be dickish and come in here rolling your eyes at me. I was just asking a question.  I was not judging. Bullshit.  You were judging.  And eye rolling.  And I stay up late and don’t sleep at night and am eating 7 calories a day and I’m fucking tired.  So I will nap if I want to !!! Oh my god.  You crazy ass.   I just asked a question. “Are you napping?”  is a … Read entire article »

Filed under: I may be PMSing..., Things that are NOT awesome

If you are a do NOT want to read this.

  Seriously.. . if you have a penis…  turn away NOW.       This is your last warning.  Okay…..  So, my vagina feels like it’s being ripped into 17,692 pieces.   Ugh.     WTF menstruation??   (is that how you spell it?  what a strange word)..     Anyhoo~~ I”m a hemhorrager.  It sucks.  Ever since I was like 13 or 14,  I’ve had crazy ridiculous periods.    I went on the pill at 16 to “help” with that.   {shut up… that really IS why I went on it}.    I’ve been off of birth control for over a decade now, and holy moly….  it gets worse every year.    I’m talking super-plus tampons every 30 minutes for the first two days.   And I could even handle that if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m convinced there are tiny little ninjas hiding in my labia.   … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing..., Things that are NOT awesome



I freaking LOVE  HATE  Ikea.     I dunno which.   What I do know is that I find it completely impossible to walk out of there for under $500.  And that’s while purchasing nothing over $20.    You would think that  I was old Mother Hubbard and my cupboards were bare the way I throw that shit in my cart.    Cheese grater for $4.99?   I HAVE TO HAVE THAT!!   OMG…  a set of 29 cutting boards in varying size?   Give me … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing..., Things that are NOT awesome

you should expect rants

Today I start the Advocare 24-day challenge. Days 1-10 are an herbal cleanse.   Which, as far as I can tell, means I will have no alcohol, no sugar, and will shit my brains out for the next 10 days.   Yay.    I’m doing this to jump-start my diet/ healthy-life plan in 2012.   I gained ….wait for it….  25 pounds from July 4 – January 10th.   Holy shitballs.   Let it be known that I literally ate and drank everything in my path up and down the Eastern seaboard and around the Gulf Coast.   I EARNED every one of those pounds.   But now it’s time for them to go away.   And since 25 pounds is ridiculously more than my general 10 pound annual weight gain (that I can lose in a month with diet/ … Read entire article »

Filed under: I may be PMSing..., Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome

Which anger is this?

  So, the kids are WEARING ME THE F* OUT this afternoon with their homework and incessent questions.    AND their pronunciation of the word Maaaaaaeeeemmm…  Like it has 3 syllables. (I mentioned that I forgot to pick up my Zoloft refill, right?)   Seven comes to me in the kitchen, hugs me, says “I love you”  Me:  Thanks….I love you too Seven:  Sooo…  is this shortness and irritation because you started your cleanse or because you forgot your pills? Me:  Pills Seven:  Great!   So the cleanse anger is yet to come.   Super!! Yippee!  That dumbass can always make me laugh 😉   … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing...

I folded socks today

I folded socks today

  Dear very nice lady who sent me a VERY NICE email full of “but’s”: First of all, thank you so much for your support of HMM.  I appreciate it.  Truly. I sincerely appreciate all of your kind words and I do understand where you “are coming from”.      Yes, I do post a lot about my social life and parties and drinking and kids being a pain in the ass and bad habits and drinking and annoying husbands … Read entire article »

Filed under: I may be PMSing..., Ramblings, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent