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Hot Mess Mom » I may be PMSing…

There’s a chance THIS IS MINE!!! {half explanation and half angry rant}

  Hello!! My name Inigo Montoya, you kill my father.. prepare to die. No, wait.. that’s not right.. Hello!  My name is Hot Mess Mom!  I am the sole owner of Hot Mess Events & Entertainment.  I write a blog.  I hold events.  I sell merchandise. One morning in 2012, I got out of the shower, wrapped in a towel and said to myself Self? You know what would be funny?  Water bottles with “there’s a chance this is vodka” written on them.  Ha Ha Ha!! You are soooooooo funny! So, I called my printer, ordered a few cases of bottles and had him print them.  My invoice for this order was $1500.   I had no money and no guarantee that they would sell, but I went out on a limb and did it.   … Read entire article »

Filed under: I may be PMSing..., Ramblings, Uncategorized

WHY must some people be such assholes? Seriously…

  Why Why WHY must some people be such assholes?? If you are on my Facebook page, you have probably seen several posts regarding some “there’s a chance this is vodka” water bottle shipment errors.  I shipped over 2000 bottles in 6 weeks.  My largest shipping days were December 17th & 18th with 250 packages shipped on each day.  (Packages, not bottles…)  It was NUTS!  And, as you know.. it’s only me.     There were a few errors made.. a couple of people recieved an incorrect quantity and one person received the wrong product.  In all of this situations, I corrected the error immediately, sent extra goodies, and in one instance, paid for Next Day Air shipping to GUAM so the bottle would arrive by Christmas to a US Military family. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Drunk Blogging, I may be PMSing..., Things that are NOT awesome

you shouldn’t put expired things in your vagina

  Because of Murphy’s Law… of course my monthly hemorrhage session was scheduled to be during the Million MILF March.   I can’t have that. I just can’t.  So, I did what any rational, mature, and responsible person would do in my situation.   I found an old NuvaRing leftover from a prescription a few years ago, and placed that bad boy right up the ol’ punani.    Now, I won’t have to be miserable until after the MMM. However, over the past few days, I’ve been increasingly emotional.  My hormones are crazy.  I keep crying and then falling into bouts of hysterical laughter.   I’m sure part of it is caused by stress.  But the total manic nature of my moods, can only be caused by hormones. I checked the NuvaRing packet.  It expired 08/11.  I’m … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing...

Why I love Muffy

  This is NOT a topic that you will probably ever see me write about again.  EVER.  You know how you have your best best best friends and they compliment you and love you and make you feel good about yourself?   I love those friends.  I have many of them.  Friends who I hug too tightly for too long.  Friends who are kind and loving and hold my hand when we walk down the street just because we are so happy to be together.   Friends who I share a bed with on girls weekends and stay up all night talking and giggling. Muffy, the 2-Carat Princess, Ice Queen and I…. are NOT those kind of friends.   We are barely nice to each other.  We do not touch.  We get all of our … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing..., Ramblings

HMM’s un-edited student drop-off etiquette. {you’re welcome}

  Several years ago, after spending months in a constant state of road rage while dropping off and picking up my kids from school, I took it upon myself to write “guide-lines” to be handed out to all parents who dropped off and/or picked up their children from school by car.   I honestly believed that the majority of offenders just didn’t know the rules.  They could not be that obtuse.  They just needed to see the rules in print.  That would solve everything!  The principal approved it, the PTA President tweaked it, and we have distributed these guidelines ever since.   It hasn’t changed a fucking thing. As luck would have it… now I have a blog.  And I don’t have to get approval from the Principal.  Or the PTA.  Or anyone else … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing..., Things that are NOT awesome

Silence is golden. Or scary

  Sooo.. today after a wonderful morning at the beach, an incredible beach thunder storm, a great lunch and several cocktails (cuz that’s what you do when it rains at the beach) (or when it’s sunny)…  we came back to the house to shower.  And life was grand.  And I was happy.  And everything was awesome.   Until the toilet overflowed and wouldn’t stop. Even after I turned off the water~ it wouldn’t fricking stop. And there were two turds in there from an unkown source and a tampon from a known source. And I spent 30 minutes and 750 towels cleaning it up.  And it wasn’t  super gross.  Except for I knew what was in the toilet.  So I had the dry heaves. Eventually, I got it all dried and cleaned and the towels in the wash.  Then … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, I may be PMSing..., Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

well, this is gonna suck was great/ horrible/ great….     We cleaned all day.. Seven made the outside his bitch… I purged the inside then pantsed Seven in the kitchen during dinner (not sure how this still surprises him)… if you wear pants with an elastic waist, I will pants you… doesn’t matter who you are.. anyhoo… ordered pizza and  had family time.   An old high school friend of mine (ex- Marine, current actor) is in this documentary on the History Channel : Snipers- Inside the Crashers.    I DVR’d it.  I thought it was a movie.  My kids love war stuff.  Snipers are cool.  He’s a 40 year old actor..  {super handsome Scott Levy .} so again.. I expected a movie. It was a 2 hour documentary on the last 50 years of war.  With details of … Read entire article »

Filed under: I may be PMSing...

Today, I purge~ Tasmanian Devil style

  The perfect storm: My house is a disaster I have the post vacation blues I’ll be starting my period today   What that means for: My husband My children My dog My home is that I will be throwing shit away in a manner reminiscent of the Tasmanian Devil. Half of the reason my house is always trashed is because I have children too much shit.  There is NOT a place for everything…  There is not even an area for everything.  There is just stuff.   I am  not a shopper and  I am not a hoarder.  It’s just a normal, regular, daily, monthly, yearly accumulation of shit. Mail, papers, parking tickets ( I get a lot of these), stray socks, boxes, tape, doll parts, gift bags,, more mail, more papers, and more tickets. Lists of things of do.  Item to review.  Books to read.  Books … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing...

Seven should know better than to annoy me.

  Soo.. Seven has been kind of assholish for the past few days.    And he sort of has a reason to be aggravated with me, but I totally acknowledged that he was right—the FIRST time he brought it up.    So, by the third time he mentioned it, I’m ready to cut a motherfucker. {Note:  Muffy, The 2-carat princess and The Ice-Queen recounting our very messy and very expensive weekend to him didn’t help.} Anyhoo…  he’s being an ass and he’s on my nerves. As you know.. we got a call yesterday (immediately after I wrote THIS POST) that the kids’ school was on lock-down due to a suspected gunman.   Obviously, my stomach dropped to my knees, I was shaky and full of fear…    I ran outside with my keys in hand to tell Seven what was … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, I may be PMSing...

Waiting for a shoe to drop– the blessing of Catholicism

  We have had a stellar week here at Chez HMM.   Really.  Lots of great news.   Great academic news,  great professional news for Seven, and some really great things happening with Hot Mess Mom and the Million MILF March. God has answered our prayers.    We have received everything we have asked for.    And most importantly, we are healthy and we like each other. Sooo…..  why do I have a perpetual stomach-ache? Because I am Catholic.  Well, I’m Episcopal now but I was raised Catholic.   And Catholic guilt is something you can not leave behind.     I remember an old joke … a Baptist, a Jew and a Catholic are in a room…. the light goes out….  the Baptist and Jew go in search of another light-bulb.  The Catholic says “Oh God, what did I do to deserve this?” I have … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, I may be PMSing...