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Hot Mess Mom » Grown-up time

I came home with crabs.

  Had lunch today with 2 guys I’ve been friends with since high school.  With 3 families, 3 jobs, and 3 drinking habits, we don’t see each other as much as we’d like.  Our lunch convo went a little something like this. Me:  I’ll have another glass of wine please Guy1: I can’t have a drink.  I have a way important meeting. Guy2:  same here Me:  Whatever.. that sounds like poor planning to me.  I’m not afraid to drink alone. Guy1: Uh.. yeah. cuz we were supposed to have lunch TOMORROW which worked for everyone until you changed it. Me:  Listen… my roots are grey and my hair girl could get me in at noon tomorrow.  So suck it. Guy2:  Really?  Your conflict was a hair appointment?? Me:  Dude.. can you see me?  I’m 40 years old and I’m … Read entire article »

Filed under: Grown-up time, Things that are NOT awesome

I had a slow leak (not a metaphor) and now I need a wife.

  We had a leak in our kitchen.  It was apparently  a “slow leak” which is the poison apple of all leaks…  causes damage before you even know it’s there.  My kitchen floors are now buckled.  I filed an insurance claim and it was all pretty painless.  The kitchen floors were old and I’m not attached. Except for the damage is not just in my kitchen.  It’s in my office.  And playroom.  And the floors I have throughout the rest of the house will now have to be replaced.  I LOVE my floors.  LOVE THEM.  Took me months to find them, had to have them special ordered and spent a fuckton of money on them.  And 6 years later, I still love them.. scratches and all. And now I have to pick new … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Grown-up time, Things that are NOT awesome

TTVD~~ It’s contagious

  Every year, the “Trust Tree” { ie: Me, Muffy, Ice Queen, 2CP and the husbands} has a Valentine’s dinner sometime in February.   The 2-Carat Princess breaks out the china and cooks a delicious meal.   We talk and laugh and eat and drink. And then we dance.  And then I video.             … Read entire article »

Filed under: Grown-up time

My “inflatable friend” days are coming to an end ;(

  If you’re a long-time reader, you know how much I love a blow-up doll. J-Ho was a gift to The Senator when he was going to Saudi Arabia and we all gave him gifts that would either get him arrested or killed.  From that day forward, J-Ho was a card carrying member of our group.  She attended our parties, we bought her seasonal outfits, we threw her a birthday party, and she was a recurring fixture in our pranking antics. J-Ho passed away in New Orleans at the Million MILF March.  She is gone, but never forgotten.   I came home from the Million MILF March with a midget man blow up.  I named him Peter Dinklage.  He’s fun, but he’s no J-Ho. For Christmas, I gave the group Fatty Patty.  I figured … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Grown-up time, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Central Floridians~~ Come join me for The D* Word!!

The D* Word is a 90-minute musical, from the creator of the hit comedy Menopause the Musical, that follows the woes and wows of four single and single-again women who learn the art of “Happily EVEN After.” The D* Word gives a voice to everyone who has ever found themselves experiencing the gamut of emotions that range from the despair of the D*ateless and D*esperate to the exhilarating freedom of D*ynamic and D*azzling. This laugh-out-loud celebration will have guests singing and dancing along to songs including I Will Survive, Before He Cheats, Like A Virgin, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and I Wanna Dance With Somebody. The D* Word is a party show that celebrates a slice of life that has been experienced by most women (and men) around the world. The … Read entire article »

Filed under: Grown-up time

You can thank me later…

  We have a really good friend.  Let’s call him Coolio. Coolio is ridiculously athletic, works out like a fiend and only eats health food.  {He likes good beer..   the answer to your question of what we have in common}. He has climbed mountains, repelled in Yosemite, competed in bike races around the globe.  He’s won GOLD in the Fireman Olympics.   I tell him he’s a douche every chance I get, but really he’s the bomb diggity.  (AND he’s old as fuck but don’t tell him I said that ) He’s also the guy that you may remember tried to give me a squirrel last Christmas.  And no.. ‘squirrel” is not a metaphor for anything. He showed me a video last night of an exercise he did in cross-fit.   It’s pretty impressive.   But … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Grown-up time

couples massage? ick.

  I bought some massage gift certificates from the spa the other day.  As I was perusing the pamphlet, I once again had to silently question the “Couples Massage”.   I don’t get the appeal of that.    I get massages regularly.  Seven gets them occasionally, usually when we are at a resort somewhere.  Never do we get them together. There is nothing romantic about a couples massage (in my mind).  I get massages because I need them.  I have sciatica, and the rest of my body is always 5 feet 8 inches of solid knots.  My massages consist of lots of cursing and threats of violence towards my massage therapist as he/she digs her elbows into my ass, back or neck.  Then I leave a big tip and schedule again for … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Grown-up time

Slumber Parties– the grown up version

I don’t understand why more grown women don’t have slumber parties.  They are fun.  Less bra-freezing and more martini chilling.  And, after having children, there is no need to put someone’s hand in warm water to make them pee their pants.. it happens naturally. I had a slumber party last night with 3 high school girlfriends.  (yes..  it was a Tuesday night.. don’t be judgy) What do 40 year old women do with/ to each other after 25+ years of friendship? We eat cheese.     We go through the liquor cabinet. We waiver between wine & martinis. We try to contribute corks to the ever growing cork wall. We break out torture devices and remove unsightly hairs from each other’s faces. We laugh at each other’s pain. We drink on the pool table. We smoke on the balcony.     We note that jumping from … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time

Mean Halloween

   Last night was our Mean Halloween shindig.  We  had to dress like each other.  It was awesome.  Enjoy the pics ;)     Don’t forget to click that banner!   thanks!! … Read entire article »

Filed under: Drunk Blogging, Food, Grown-up time

Halloween~ it’s my favorite

Halloween~ it’s my favorite

  I love Halloween.  LOVE LOVE LOVE Halloween.  I love the decorations, I love the candy, I love the weather.  I LOVE HALLOWEEN.  My kids also love Halloween, as all kids do.  Of course, they love the candy but I don’t let them keep much of it.  If it’s in the house, I’m the one who eats it, not them, marking the beginning of my annual 10 pound winter weight gain.  Generally they get to pick 20-25 pieces to … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Family, Grown-up time, Stellar Parenting Advice