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Hot Mess Mom » Ways I know I’m failing as a parent

2/3 of my children are grounded this weekend.

  Number One may be grounded for the rest of his life.  I can’t even talk about it.  I’ll get there, but not today. Number Two is grounded for the first time ever.  This morning was 45 degrees.  I told the boys they had to wear pants.  Number Two argued with me  incessantly about it.  Finally, I yelled at him.  “It’s not a request.  I’m not asking.  I don’t need your opinion.  Go put on some fracking pants NOW and if I hear another word about it, you’re punished”.   He put on jeans, and pouted around the house for the next 15 minutes.  Then he asked “hey, can I wear sweat pants instead of jeans?”  “Sure.. I just said you had to wear pants.”   Today was the day I teach art … Read entire article »

Filed under: Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

My “inflatable friend” days are coming to an end ;(

  If you’re a long-time reader, you know how much I love a blow-up doll. J-Ho was a gift to The Senator when he was going to Saudi Arabia and we all gave him gifts that would either get him arrested or killed.  From that day forward, J-Ho was a card carrying member of our group.  She attended our parties, we bought her seasonal outfits, we threw her a birthday party, and she was a recurring fixture in our pranking antics. J-Ho passed away in New Orleans at the Million MILF March.  She is gone, but never forgotten.   I came home from the Million MILF March with a midget man blow up.  I named him Peter Dinklage.  He’s fun, but he’s no J-Ho. For Christmas, I gave the group Fatty Patty.  I figured … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Grown-up time, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Topics to discuss with future therapist(s) – Number 187

  Scene:  Seven and I trying to get the boys to bed.  9 pm on a Friday night.  They all had football practice earlier.. We had family dinner, watched some tv.. and we are now shipping them to la-la-land… All 5 of us are in my room.  Hugging and kissing and giggling and saying our bedtime prayers. Seven:  Number One.. your hair always smells so good..  it must be the only part of your body that you actually wash. Me: Maybe when you get hair on your nuts you’ll wash those too. Number One:  I DO have hair on my nuts! {{NOTE:  everything from here down is said in barely decipherable hysterical giggle speak…}} Me:  You dooo????? Number One:  Yes. Me:  Can I see it? Seven:  NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Boys.. get out of here now! Go to bed!! Number One:  Jeez Mom. Me:  {hyperventilating … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Is there any such thing as a bad vacation?

  I had a roommate in college who used to say “Sex is like pizza.  Even when it sucks, it’s pretty fucking good”. I feel that way about travel. We spent the last week at a cabin in the Georgia mountains with my family, my parents, and my sister’s family.  One of my oldest and closest friends came up one night with his family.  While the kids played, the adults sat around the table, had cocktails and told stories.  We got on the subject of our family vacations..{we were always big travelers}.  My friend asked if we had ever had a bad one.  We all agreed NO!  Then we started telling stories. “Remember that time the boat broke down and we had to call the Marine Patrol?” Remember the time Mom got food poisoning in … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Travel, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I will NOT cave. And I hate the Joneses

  Every year….every fracking year..   I make my Christmas list (in Excel).  I purchase the desired items.  I color code by child/ order/ and delivery.  I spend too much money.   Every year. My boys are only permitted to ask Santa for 3 things.   When I first met Muffy years ago, before we were friends, she told me that her kids got only 3 gifts each for Christmas.  Our kids were really young..   “Only three??” I asked incredulously.  “Yup.. I tell them If it was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you”.     I loved that and incorporated it into my “Santa letter” plan. So.. every year, I am methodical about my purchases.  They each have the exact same number of gifts under the tree and, on … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Family, Ramblings, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Uncategorized, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

oh dear god… seriously?

  Gave each of the boys a list last of things to  pack for this weekend.   They are spending one night with my parents and another with friends.   The list did not include toiletries.. I packed those separately. All 3 lists were exactly the same.  I’m getting ready to leave my house and am putting all 3 bags by the front door so my mom can grab them later.   Number Two’s bag feels exceptionally light.   I unpack it. To be clear, that is a black t-shirt (men’s…  not his), a suit jacket, 2 pair of basketball shorts, 4 pair of underwear and 2 single, unmatched socks.   That is his attire for the weekend. I’m repacking his bag with only those items.  I’m packing him a second bag with actual … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

My son is dating my friend(s)

  Number Two has been dating Muffy for awhile.  They’ve gone to sports bars (just the two of them) to watch football, they’ve hung out after school.  He’s hugged her around the middle and told her “you’re like the mother I never had”.  She’s bought him gifts, taught him about the SEC, Big 10, Eastern Conference and whatever else there is.  She’s educated him on players and coaches and fed him chicken wings and Coke. They are a little bit in love. And that’s okay because Muffy’s son and I have been in love for WAY longer than Two & Muffy… WAY longer… YEARS!…  But he doesn’t show affection as openly as Number Two.. he exhibits his love for me by emailing me  things like “ What are you doing?”  ” I hate … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I’m at my wit’s end

  I am so frustrated.  I don’t know whether to scream, cry, or crawl into a ball and go back to bed.  I’ve written before about Number One’s lack of motivation, poor grades, and off-the-charts I.Q.   I’ve told you how frustrated I get.  I’ve written about his gluten intolerance and how crazy it makes him.  I’ve told you how frustrated I get. Take all of those feelings of frustration, multiply them by a fucktillion, and THAT is where I am right now.  Without getting into too many details, we have had a gluten breach.. it’s a big one..  it will take him MONTHS to get it out of system and get back on track.  In the meantime he is not turning in assignments, receiving F’s, walking around the house like he’s been smoking chronic and … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Shotguns for Christmas. Or maybe a unicorn.

  Number Three:   Mom, for Christmas, I’m going to ask for my own laptop, my own iPad, some video games and a new puppy.  Number Two:  Yeah, and I’m gonna ask for all of that too, but I’m also going to ask for three-hundred dollars. Number Three:  Number Two!!  You can’t ask for three-hundred dollars!  That will be too much! Me:  Are you two high? Them:  What??  We can ask for those things. Me:  Sure you can.  While you are at it, you should also ask for a car.  And a shotgun.  With bullets!  Lots and lots of bullets! Number Two:  Why do you want us to ask for a shotgun?  Me:  Because while you are asking for things that you will NEVER EVER get, you may as well cover them all. Number Three:   Number Two, remember when you asked … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I’m gonna need to change my name

    Conversation with Number Three TWO SECONDS AGO:  Mom, what does AANOAW spell? What? What does AANOAW spell? That’s not a word. Yes-huh!!  Look!!                  What?? I have no idea what that says..  Where are your spelling words??                     Uh.. okay.. so it says to write the words and circle the OA and the OW in each word.   You see!!  You see how messy your handwriting is!!  You couldn’t even read YOUR OWN handwriting!! And you know why??  Because it is messy!!! Really Mom?  You’re name is HOT MESS..  You practically have “messy” in your name.   {and yes…he used finger quotes} {and then I quit parenting and grabbed the laptop} … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Stellar Parenting Advice, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent