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Hot Mess Mom » Ways I know I’m failing as a parent

Why being a bad “parent” makes me a good “mom”

  Admittedly, I’m never going to be in the running for Parent of the Year.  Never, ever, EVER going to happen.  Ever.  {ever} Sometimes my house is a mess.  Sometimes I forget to pay the bills and services get disconnected. Sometimes my kids come home from school to a messy house without power.  Or cable.  Or without power AND cable. Sometimes, when my kids beg to sleep in or play hooky, I let them. Sometimes I feed them bushels of fruits and veggies. Sometimes I feed them processed foods. Sometimes I even feed them GMO’s. Sometimes I don’t register them for sports in time and they don’t get on the “right” team. Sometimes I don’t register them for sports at all because the game/ practice schedules are conflicting with our vacation plans. Sometimes I wake up early and make … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Featured, Ramblings, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Dear Teenager, Is that an iPhone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  I’m a mother of boys.  I’m a friend of boys.  I’m married to a boy.  I understand boys.  I  like boys.. even the gross and bad parts..  I’m a “Boy’s Girl”. In addition to my affinity for the opposite sex, I consider myself to be a very socially liberal person.  No prudishness here.. no sirree. My boys ask about body parts, I tell them.  Babies?  I tell them.  Sex?  What do you want to know?  I tell them.   I talk to my kids about EVERYTHING.. the good, the bad, the difficult and the very ugly. They bleed, I don’t faint.  They get injured, I don’t cry.  The leave a big huge shit in the toilet without flushing, I yell and then I flush it. I am UN-RATTLEABLE. Except for when I find porn on … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Rocket boots should NEVER be confused with a jet- pack. Just sayin’

  Driving home last night with Numbers One (almost 13) and Three (9).   Their conversation went a little like this: One: If I win the lottery, I gonna buy an Aston Martin.  And then I’m gonna trick it out with crazy rims and a wild paint job. Me:  Please stop talking. Three:  Why? Me:  Because I’ve tried very hard to not raise trashbags and it’s clear to me that I’ve failed miserably. One:  Okay.. So, instead of rims on a $300,000 car..  I’m gonna get a race horse, and a jet pack and the jet pack will be powerful and the horse will be so fast that we will be able to fly all over the world.  Flying around the world on a turbo-jet-pack horse is WAY COOLER than a plane. Three:  Your horse’s tail is … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I think “life lesson”, my boys think “homeless man’s toilet water”

Soooo… I’m driving home with my boys tonight and an old Cheryl Crow song comes on..  I, like always, .. give them a little background of the artist and why I love them… Me: And also.. when I was bar-tending downtown, there was this homeless man whom I loved.  He was batshit crazy.. Like, really crazy.  But I loved him.  Sometimes when you work in a city, you either take the same train, same subway or walk the same streets.. and you see the same homeless people day after day.. you can ignore them or talk to them.  I ignored some, and talked to some..  This man.. he called himself  Dr. John..   I talked to all of the time.  I gave him money, I bought him food, I bought him drinks, … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Ramblings, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

St. Patrick’s Day- 2013 Savannah, Ga

St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah… This was our 7th or 8th year. Such a great weekend. Don’t know who has more fun, the kids or the adults.. {okay, probably the adults… but it’s a close call}. It’s the 2nd largest St. Pat’s celebration in the world, and the longest parade in the U.S. We had a great set up….  bull riding, blow up doll Leprechaun, ‘Hot Mess” award ribbons, Jameson, the Irish Whiskey baby, and more   And, of course, as you will see by the photo evidence… I really DO think people like when I make fun of and/or violate them whilst drinking.  It’s a problem. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Travel, Vodka Baby, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

My house may actually get CLEAN today!

  So, y’all know I am NO homemaker.  It’s just not in my DNA.  I HATE to clean.  HATE!!   It’s been a long time since I’ve had a cleaning lady.  I’ve been so busy with “there’s a chance this is vodka®” products, that now I honestly just don’t the time. I contacted a large maid service that several of my friends use for pricing and scheduling.    Our conversation went a little something like this: On a scale from 1-10, with 10 being the cleanest, how would you rank your house? Uh.. maybe a 4? Okay..  the first visit is $x.00 per hour.  With your square footage, bedrooms and baths with a cleanliness of a 4, it should take them about 3 1/2 to 4 hours to get your house to a 10. Yeah, let’s … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I have committed a HUGE parenting FAIL

  I hate video games.  HATE THEM.  If you’ve followed the blog for a while, you know this.  My boys had a Wii and each had a DS.  Unless it’s a lazy Sunday, a road trip, or I am sick, they have always been limited to 30-45 minutes of game time per day. Santa brought them an XBox for Christmas.  Santa didn’t want to do that but all three of them asked for it.  Together.  And when your almost-12-year-old asks Santa for something, Santa better deliver ‘cuz you know it’s going to be last time. Since bringing this box of destruction into my home, the game time has increased significantly.  I am totally at fault.  We traveled all of Christmas break, so when school resumed I cut the kids some slack and allowed … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

HMM and the case of the mysterious body odor

  There are a few things that I am obsessive about.   Pretty feet, clean ears, trimmed finger and toenails, teeth brushing and showering with mass amounts of soap until everything is CLEAN. I shower twice a day and brush my teeth probably 10 times. I had my boys start wearing deodorant when they were in second grade.  Not because they needed it, but because I wanted it to be a habit by the time they needed it.  I’ve battled with Number One about this in the past.  You can read about that HERE.   Now I begin my battle with Number Two. Number Two is now in fourth grade.   He’s a smelly beast.  Every morning he puts on deodorant and every afternoon he smells like a monkey.   This morning I said “Come … Read entire article »

Filed under: Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I came home to a vulture on my porch. Not a metaphor.

  I cannot count the posts I have written about BEARS, SNAKES, GATORS and other wildlife that has found it’s way into my house, yard, garage, pool.  We have even had two separate instances where a bird has gotten in the house. I would take ALL OF THOSE COMBINED.. . including the damned water moccasins…  over what happened here tonight. Came home from a lovely family dinner to find the dog going ape shit.  I thought there was a bear on my back porch.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  It was a nasty-ass turkey buzzard and it wouldn’t leave. I opened the patio doors, I turned on the lights.  I calmly walked around the pool holding the 15 foot pool brush in front of me to lead the nasty little fuck to freedom.   He … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Family, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Happy Night

  We do Happy Hour most Fridays.  4-5 families-outside–fire pit, bikes, scooters and lots of yummy food.  I’ve written of it before..  Sometimes it uneventful.  Sometimes it’s SHOCKING.  It’s always fun. Number Two just asked “Are we having happy hour tomorrow?” Me:  “Yep” Number Three:  “Why do we call it happy HOUR?  We are there for way more than an hour..  We are there for the whole night.   I’m going to call it ‘happy night’”  lol…. They are following a little too closely in my college footsteps..   5 more days to vote for me as a Top 25 Funny Mom of 2013.  You can vote once every 24 hours.  You’ll find me around #8. Just click on the ‘vote’ button under my name..   (and, as always, click that banner below}    Thanks so much … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent