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Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary

Ten ways getting a mammogram is like losing your virginity.

  You make small-talk but not eye contact. Your boobs are squeezed, tweaked, and mangled with no apparent goal in mind. You move your left arm above your left shoulder, but try to relax, but turn to the side and stop tensing up and move your head to the side and hold your breath.  You know… just be normal. You get the nervous giggles and feel it’s necessary to whisper when you hear voices on the other side of the door. The other person is wearing latex. You reply whilst holding your breath “Yes, I’m fine” when asked “Are you doing okay?” You keep your socks on. You count both the ceiling tiles and the seconds until it’s over. You don’t have to count long. There’s a chance you’ll find out you have a horrible disease when it’s all done.   If … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary

Today, a bear broke into my garage and I started juicing. One of those things made me shit myself.

  As I’ve mentioned before, we are regularly visited by wildlife at our home.  Deer, bear, wild turkeys, otters, and gators use our backyard as a cut-through to the State Park behind us.  It’s only problematic on trash day.  We can’t leave out trash out the night before or the bears have a block party, so we get up super early and tote the trash to the curb, then climb back in bed. Today, as sometimes happens, the bears were waiting.  In the hour between taking the trash out and leaving the house, they went through the trash, entered my garage, tried to open the garage fridge and left with Number One’s lunch box (which we recovered from under the trampoline this afternoon). Maybe they smelled the veggies.  Have you ever juiced?  I … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Things that are NOT awesome

Is there any such thing as a bad vacation?

  I had a roommate in college who used to say “Sex is like pizza.  Even when it sucks, it’s pretty fucking good”. I feel that way about travel. We spent the last week at a cabin in the Georgia mountains with my family, my parents, and my sister’s family.  One of my oldest and closest friends came up one night with his family.  While the kids played, the adults sat around the table, had cocktails and told stories.  We got on the subject of our family vacations..{we were always big travelers}.  My friend asked if we had ever had a bad one.  We all agreed NO!  Then we started telling stories. “Remember that time the boat broke down and we had to call the Marine Patrol?” Remember the time Mom got food poisoning in … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Travel, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I will NOT cave. And I hate the Joneses

  Every year….every fracking year..   I make my Christmas list (in Excel).  I purchase the desired items.  I color code by child/ order/ and delivery.  I spend too much money.   Every year. My boys are only permitted to ask Santa for 3 things.   When I first met Muffy years ago, before we were friends, she told me that her kids got only 3 gifts each for Christmas.  Our kids were really young..   “Only three??” I asked incredulously.  “Yup.. I tell them If it was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you”.     I loved that and incorporated it into my “Santa letter” plan. So.. every year, I am methodical about my purchases.  They each have the exact same number of gifts under the tree and, on … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Family, Ramblings, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Uncategorized, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

couples massage? ick.

  I bought some massage gift certificates from the spa the other day.  As I was perusing the pamphlet, I once again had to silently question the “Couples Massage”.   I don’t get the appeal of that.    I get massages regularly.  Seven gets them occasionally, usually when we are at a resort somewhere.  Never do we get them together. There is nothing romantic about a couples massage (in my mind).  I get massages because I need them.  I have sciatica, and the rest of my body is always 5 feet 8 inches of solid knots.  My massages consist of lots of cursing and threats of violence towards my massage therapist as he/she digs her elbows into my ass, back or neck.  Then I leave a big tip and schedule again for … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Grown-up time

Sooo.. I’m really mad at Amazon

  I’m a bit calmer now than I was an hour ago when I updated my Facebook status to THIS.  Calmer, but not happy.  Ya’ll know I do 100% of my shopping online.  90% of it is from Amazon.  EVERYTHING!  Gluten-free snacks, clothes, deodorant, toys, games, accessories.. I shop with my thumbs.  Amazon and I have been in a long-term, committed relationship for years. And now I want to break up.  I WON’T, but I want to.  In a few days I will cool down, log on to Amazon and let my fingers do the talking once again. Our relationship will progress as if nothing ever happened.  But I’m a woman.  While I may forgive.. I will never forget. I will not forget that Amazon may have single-handedly ruined Santa for my kids … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Things that are NOT awesome

I’m gonna need a bigger boat. or a better lawyer.

I’m gonna need a bigger boat.  or a better lawyer.

  {sigh} I am so lucky.  I am so blessed.  Really.  The level of success that Hot Mess Mom has achieved in 14 months is amazing.  I am so happy. I am also so busy– like, full-time job busy..   I’m sure you’ve noticed that my writing has slowed.  I’m down to a few posts per week where I have always had 4-7 weekly posts.   Is my life suddenly boring and calm and normal so I’m lacking … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Ramblings

Discussing your kids on Facebook- the good, the bad, & the ugly

  I have a blog.  Officially, I have a “Mommy blog”.  Clearly, I talk about my children.  I talked about my children before I had a blog.  I shared stories with friends on the phone, in person, via email, and eventually on Facebook. Our Facebook pages are an extension of our person.  It’s the new millenium’s version of the diary we let our girlfriends read.  If something is private, you don’t put it on Facebook.  All else is fair game– fodder to be shared with the masses. I enjoy the fodder.  I enjoy Facebook.  I like “knowing” what is going on in peoples lives without all that pesky personal contact.  I like to see pictures of my friend’s children as they grow.  I enjoy watching family vacations unfold.  It’s fun to see statuses … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Ramblings, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome

I’m at my wit’s end

  I am so frustrated.  I don’t know whether to scream, cry, or crawl into a ball and go back to bed.  I’ve written before about Number One’s lack of motivation, poor grades, and off-the-charts I.Q.   I’ve told you how frustrated I get.  I’ve written about his gluten intolerance and how crazy it makes him.  I’ve told you how frustrated I get. Take all of those feelings of frustration, multiply them by a fucktillion, and THAT is where I am right now.  Without getting into too many details, we have had a gluten breach.. it’s a big one..  it will take him MONTHS to get it out of system and get back on track.  In the meantime he is not turning in assignments, receiving F’s, walking around the house like he’s been smoking chronic and … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Why I make Christmas my bitch

  I am a sucker for the holidays..  Actually, if you read this blog, you know I am a sucker for any holiday… St. Patrick’s Day, July 4th, Labor Day..  Any excuse for a party.. I’m in!  But this season… from early October when I decorate from Halloween through New Years…  THIS season, I love.  I love the decorations, I love the music, I love the feeling.   I’m not as nutty about Thanksgiving themes and decor but it still one of my favorite holidays as we spend it in New Orleans with my enormous family… {our Thanksgiving dinner is 109+ people of immediate family… more if the youngsters bring dates} You know how people get so pissed when the stores put out Christmas decorations at the same time as Halloween?  I don’t.  … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Ramblings