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Hot Mess Mom » Dear Diary

My trip to the liquor store

    It’s 7:40 pm.  I have “resurfaced concrete” all day.  I’m tired, dirty, and not very pretty.  I had a hankering for Conundrum (cuz I haven’t had enough of THAT this week) and ran up to the neighborhood liquor store. A) I live in the suburbs in a very nice, quaint, older neighborhood B) Our liquor store is the size of your living room. C) They know me by name.  Which would be embarrassing, but they know everyone by name.   I’m wearing a Million MILF March T-shirt over a jersey dress with flip flops..  It’s not a good look. I walk in to a dog, 6 other shoppers, a vendor giving away samples of margaritas and vodka, and a pony-tailed man who clearly just came off the river. I decline a margarita sample, walk straight to the … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary

I think “life lesson”, my boys think “homeless man’s toilet water”

Soooo… I’m driving home with my boys tonight and an old Cheryl Crow song comes on..  I, like always, .. give them a little background of the artist and why I love them… Me: And also.. when I was bar-tending downtown, there was this homeless man whom I loved.  He was batshit crazy.. Like, really crazy.  But I loved him.  Sometimes when you work in a city, you either take the same train, same subway or walk the same streets.. and you see the same homeless people day after day.. you can ignore them or talk to them.  I ignored some, and talked to some..  This man.. he called himself  Dr. John..   I talked to all of the time.  I gave him money, I bought him food, I bought him drinks, … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Ramblings, Stellar Parenting Advice, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

I had a slow leak (not a metaphor) and now I need a wife.

  We had a leak in our kitchen.  It was apparently  a “slow leak” which is the poison apple of all leaks…  causes damage before you even know it’s there.  My kitchen floors are now buckled.  I filed an insurance claim and it was all pretty painless.  The kitchen floors were old and I’m not attached. Except for the damage is not just in my kitchen.  It’s in my office.  And playroom.  And the floors I have throughout the rest of the house will now have to be replaced.  I LOVE my floors.  LOVE THEM.  Took me months to find them, had to have them special ordered and spent a fuckton of money on them.  And 6 years later, I still love them.. scratches and all. And now I have to pick new … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Grown-up time, Things that are NOT awesome

This is how Seven & I fight

  Seven & I bicker all of the time.  We are both sarcastic and snarky with a little mean mixed in for good measure.  We don’t FIGHT a lot, we argue occasionally, but mostly it’s bickering where one or both of us is giggling throughout. Yesterday, however, we ARGUED.  Please bear witness to our argument. Scene:  I’m in the middle of a fucktillion things and trying to get showered and out of the house before the maids come.  Seven calls..“Hey, the sprinkler guy is on his way over there, you need to show him where everything is”    Assuming that Seven is at his office 45 minutes away, I said “Shit.. okay.. let me go.. I’ve got to jump in the shower and finish up my shipments before the ladies come”    I did … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family

My house may actually get CLEAN today!

  So, y’all know I am NO homemaker.  It’s just not in my DNA.  I HATE to clean.  HATE!!   It’s been a long time since I’ve had a cleaning lady.  I’ve been so busy with “there’s a chance this is vodka®” products, that now I honestly just don’t the time. I contacted a large maid service that several of my friends use for pricing and scheduling.    Our conversation went a little something like this: On a scale from 1-10, with 10 being the cleanest, how would you rank your house? Uh.. maybe a 4? Okay..  the first visit is $x.00 per hour.  With your square footage, bedrooms and baths with a cleanliness of a 4, it should take them about 3 1/2 to 4 hours to get your house to a 10. Yeah, let’s … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

10 things my masseuse says to me that make me think I may be at the wrong “massage parlor”

  I have some back issues.  Well, I have lots of issues, but in addition to the ones you already know about, I have some serious back and neck problems.  I get massages regularly.  Before you get jealous… my massages aren’t the “oohhhh, aahhhh…  wake me up when it’s over” type..   They are of the “this is gonna leave a mark” and “I hope I don’t cry today” variety. My current masseuse is a phenom.  Truly.  She’s strong as a damn ox.  I’ve been going to her for a while now.  She’s extremely professional but now that she is very familiar with all of my problem areas, and I mean ALL….. we exchange a little more dialogue. Here’s a sampling. lay down face first oh my God.. I can’t believe how tight you are. I … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Ramblings

Recap of the past 10 days..

  The past few weeks have been a jumbled whirlwind of prom dresses, tumblers, witches and wizards, kleenex, concerts, sick kids, and Nyquil. Let me ‘splain….  No, it’s too much…  Let me sum up:  {name that movie!} Ladie’s 80’s night Prom Edition.  Party Bus to dinner and then 80’s night.  14 “40-ish”  year-olds in our best prom attire complete with anklets, panty hose, and open toed shoes.   Another event to drive home the point that I really should not be allowed at the same parties as the mayor.  Or his people.  Or other people of influence. Ever.  I began yet another round of debilitating insomnia resulting in getting a weeks worth of orders done in 3 nights.   (several of those orders being incorrect.. cuz that’s what happens when you work a 700 … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Dear Diary, Ramblings

I don’t have a title for this post

  My dad was in sales.  He made a shit ton of money in sales.  All I ever wanted to do was to make a shit ton of money in sales also. I was a Communications/ English major.   I got into sales immediately after college.   My first “grown up”  job (internship a few months prior to graduating) was in customer service for an International Import/ Export company.  I had my own office.  I slept under my desk.  I was 23…. don’t judge. Then I moved to Seattle and did sales/ office management. Then I moved back to Florida.   And went into sales for several years.  I traveled the country, I sold.  I was pretty good at what I did. Then I got pregnant.   I left my job.  I looked for a … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary

I want to DO, not HAVE

  Admittedly, I am a travel whore.   But really, I think I am an ‘experience’ whore.  I want to DO something all of the time!   This does not mean that I don’t spend days (lots and lots of days) in my pajamas, sipping on coffee, folding laundry and catching up on the DVR.   What it means is I’m always looking for something fun.  An adventure.   Why go to the Olive Garden for lunch when you can go a tiny Italian bistro that serves wine in glass jars and has tea lights lit in the daytime? Why spend an afternoon at the park without a blanket, a platter, tons of munchies and a bottle of wine?     I live with a football, a blanket and a cooler in the back of my car.  At … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Featured, Ramblings

Dear Magnum PI. I “mustache” you to never lose the stache.

  Dear Magnum PI, You were pretty hot.  I have to admit.  All stealthy, and smart and out-witting… it was good stuff.   And I really do love a mustache. Then I went to college.  And THERE YOU WERE!!  Boning Monica {which should have been creepy, but was totally awesome instead}…. smoking your cigars, hanging out with her dad……  {k..sorry..back to creepy}…. THEN .. you did other things… And THEN… we got Blue Bloods…  holy Irish Catholic Shitoli…   I LOVE IT!   I love the whole series..  I love every character….( I’m pretty sure I made out with Donny Wahlberg at EPCOT in the 80’s but, whatever.. (no, I’m not kidding..  was he in Menudo or Kids on the Block?  either way.. I’m pretty sure I sucked his face” ..  yup.. just verified that … Read entire article »

Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging