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Hot Mess Mom » Antics

Extreme Easter Egg Hunting~ Original Post date 4/8/12

I have a sister.  She is 2 years younger than me.  Every Easter  when we were little, our parents had an Easter egg hunt for us.  When we got to college, they continued to hide eggs.  Filled with money. The egg hunt at my parents house is famous.  Any boyfriend, roommate, friend or relative that has ever spent Easter with our family remembers the egg hunt. My sister was an SEC collegiate athlete.  I prefer a glass of wine to exercise.  The minute she sees me move towards a spotted egg, she comes in for the kill.  She’s fast and she’s strong.   I am neither.  Bitch.  Our egg hunts are knock-down drag-out fights.  Some eggs have a quarter.  Some have a 20-dollar bill.   Others have everything in between.   Some years my dad hid as much … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Family

Recap of the past 10 days..

  The past few weeks have been a jumbled whirlwind of prom dresses, tumblers, witches and wizards, kleenex, concerts, sick kids, and Nyquil. Let me ‘splain….  No, it’s too much…  Let me sum up:  {name that movie!} Ladie’s 80′s night Prom Edition.  Party Bus to dinner and then 80′s night.  14 “40-ish”  year-olds in our best prom attire complete with anklets, panty hose, and open toed shoes.   Another event to drive home the point that I really should not be allowed at the same parties as the mayor.  Or his people.  Or other people of influence. Ever.  I began yet another round of debilitating insomnia resulting in getting a weeks worth of orders done in 3 nights.   (several of those orders being incorrect.. cuz that’s what happens when you work a 700 … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Dear Diary, Ramblings

If only I had the time to prank more…

If only I had the time to prank more…

    Alright y’all..  You know I LOVE a good prank…  Love Love Love.. You can read about them under the ANTICS category to the right. Last week, I came to the realization that it was time for me to retire Fatty Patty.    It made me a little sad.  An old college friend {and I use that term loosely;} who is just as into pranks as I am, commented to say : dont retire, re-purpose with style. leave it … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics

I came home to a vulture on my porch. Not a metaphor.

  I cannot count the posts I have written about BEARS, SNAKES, GATORS and other wildlife that has found it’s way into my house, yard, garage, pool.  We have even had two separate instances where a bird has gotten in the house. I would take ALL OF THOSE COMBINED.. . including the damned water moccasins…  over what happened here tonight. Came home from a lovely family dinner to find the dog going ape shit.  I thought there was a bear on my back porch.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  It was a nasty-ass turkey buzzard and it wouldn’t leave. I opened the patio doors, I turned on the lights.  I calmly walked around the pool holding the 15 foot pool brush in front of me to lead the nasty little fuck to freedom.   He … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Family, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

Happy Night

  We do Happy Hour most Fridays.  4-5 families-outside–fire pit, bikes, scooters and lots of yummy food.  I’ve written of it before..  Sometimes it uneventful.  Sometimes it’s SHOCKING.  It’s always fun. Number Two just asked “Are we having happy hour tomorrow?” Me:  “Yep” Number Three:  “Why do we call it happy HOUR?  We are there for way more than an hour..  We are there for the whole night.   I’m going to call it ‘happy night’”  lol…. They are following a little too closely in my college footsteps..   5 more days to vote for me as a Top 25 Funny Mom of 2013.  You can vote once every 24 hours.  You’ll find me around #8. Just click on the ‘vote’ button under my name..   (and, as always, click that banner below}    Thanks so much … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Family, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

My “inflatable friend” days are coming to an end ;(

  If you’re a long-time reader, you know how much I love a blow-up doll. J-Ho was a gift to The Senator when he was going to Saudi Arabia and we all gave him gifts that would either get him arrested or killed.  From that day forward, J-Ho was a card carrying member of our group.  She attended our parties, we bought her seasonal outfits, we threw her a birthday party, and she was a recurring fixture in our pranking antics. J-Ho passed away in New Orleans at the Million MILF March.  She is gone, but never forgotten.   I came home from the Million MILF March with a midget man blow up.  I named him Peter Dinklage.  He’s fun, but he’s no J-Ho. For Christmas, I gave the group Fatty Patty.  I figured … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Grown-up time, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent

“Your vagina is on my hand” (and other tales from the hair salon)

  Love Love Love getting my hair did.  Love my stylist.  Love my color.  Love the wine. And then, there are the people. A trip to the salon is always a study in sociology.   I spend half of my appointment texting my stylist observations and judgements that cannot be said aloud.  (This may be why my appointments are four hours). The sylists themselves are a special breed.  There’s The Vampiress, The Biker,  Agidor Sparticus, The Girl Next Door,  McBoobsAlot, and the Plastic Cougar, just to name a few.   It’s a motley crew.  But the staff is NOTHING compared to the patrons. There’s always some girl with 80′s hair coming to get a $75 haircut from a guy with a mullet.  Or the ones with the bleach blond fried and frizzy perms asking for … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Ramblings

You can thank me later…

  We have a really good friend.  Let’s call him Coolio. Coolio is ridiculously athletic, works out like a fiend and only eats health food.  {He likes good beer..   the answer to your question of what we have in common}. He has climbed mountains, repelled in Yosemite, competed in bike races around the globe.  He’s won GOLD in the Fireman Olympics.   I tell him he’s a douche every chance I get, but really he’s the bomb diggity.  (AND he’s old as fuck but don’t tell him I said that ) He’s also the guy that you may remember tried to give me a squirrel last Christmas.  And no.. ‘squirrel” is not a metaphor for anything. He showed me a video last night of an exercise he did in cross-fit.   It’s pretty impressive.   But … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Grown-up time

the perils of not being a sports fan

  Today is the day… or was the day… or is the night.. whatever…  Today is the day for the big rival college football games. I could care less. But my friends and my family are obsessed.  So I play along. After 8 days away and a late arrival home last night, we hurried through laundry and ER visits to make the Florida/Florida State game at eh Ice Queen’s house. Everyone is a Florida Gator fan.  Seven & One are Florida State fans.   I don’t care. These parties are not fun for me..  Of course, I like the cocktails and the food.. but the moods I can do without. Gators win. Two, Three, Muffy, IceQueen are happy. One & Seven are not. I’m gonna make a drink and catch up on the DVR. Tomorrow’s smack talk is gonna suck ass. On … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics

Slumber Parties– the grown up version

I don’t understand why more grown women don’t have slumber parties.  They are fun.  Less bra-freezing and more martini chilling.  And, after having children, there is no need to put someone’s hand in warm water to make them pee their pants.. it happens naturally. I had a slumber party last night with 3 high school girlfriends.  (yes..  it was a Tuesday night.. don’t be judgy) What do 40 year old women do with/ to each other after 25+ years of friendship? We eat cheese.     We go through the liquor cabinet. We waiver between wine & martinis. We try to contribute corks to the ever growing cork wall. We break out torture devices and remove unsightly hairs from each other’s faces. We laugh at each other’s pain. We drink on the pool table. We smoke on the balcony.     We note that jumping from … Read entire article »

Filed under: Antics, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time