Hot Mess Mom » Brenda Boo » Boo- RAW
Boo- RAW
A guest post by my amazing Boo.. small intro can be found HERE.
So, I’ve been built up to epic proportions by a certain sir and madam, and I find this daunting because I now feel like I need to be epic with the words I choose and the positions in which I place them. But here’s my truth at this moment; I am feeling so intensely raw that I don’t give a shit about being epic.
I’d love to vent on this here blog—for my very first post, mind you—of exactly why I am feeling this way. And I’m scared. I’m scared because if I speak my truth to a bunch of people that I don’t know, there is a slight chance that my words will somehow, someway through the interwebs resurface to the audience that I was surrounded by today, all raw and (figuratively) bleeding. And that just can’t happen. I think I can write the following without fear of retribution, but who the hell knows.
I am so miserably sick of walking through life allowing to be led by fear. I have grand plans of living with some level of authenticity, of owning my power to choose, and then life gets real and I get real chicken shit. Because to be guided by my gut and my principles and my inherit standards and fully owning and living them means that in certain EPIC circumstances, I walk out and don’t look back. When there are bills to be paid and a child to raise and being a sensible, functioning member of this fucked up, ass backwards full-circle, all encompassing environment that I have chosen to live in is the “right” and “mature” thing to do, I tuck my tail and do it and keep my mouth shut.
I am, so often, the epitome of the people that I loathe. And I loathe them because I look at them and it’s like looking in a mirror, whether I realize that consciously or subconsciously in that moment. Today I was full of fear because I felt as if I had zero control over a situation, and had the outcome been different, well…It would have been really bad. I was literally sick, SICK waiting for hours to see if the ax would fall or if I would be spared. Turns out, I was spared. In this moment, when I should be incredibly thankful, I am thoroughly disgusted with myself and how much of a pussy I am.
I think of my kid as a grown man, sitting in the same position I was today. It would break my heart. It would break my heart that I didn’t teach my son enough self respect to have the balls to step up when it’s time to get steppin’ and live his freaking truth. The ironic thing is that I was bathed in showers of admiration by Hot Mess and my Pet Goolfish, two people who live their lives in EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE way that I live mine. They are whom I want to be, just one freaking day, people who live without fear of retribution for acting according to their conscious. They are like superheroes to me.
So, to close my first post, I will say I have some serious shit to work out in my life. And, to prove how much of a superzero I am, if you are a Facebook friend of mine, there are other “friends” that I have who, for one reason or another, I would rather gouge my eyes out than let them see/hear/read this side of me. At this moment, I kind of feel like just deleting my Facebook account in general, because what is on there, in some cases, is such a bunch of poised and positioned bullshit that it just adds fuel to my feeling of inauthentic fire. Oh my GODDESS I’m in a mood. Sorry folks. Hot Mess, you don’t have to post this. I won’t be at all upset if you don’t. But it’s all I have to offer right now.
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BrendBoo,
We all have our moments. Good for you for writing about them here. Everybody needs a safe place to spew forth their woes, and you have found it.
Stay strong. You will find the strength you need to do what you need to do. It is there. Keep looking for it, and look to those around you to help you find it.
Deep breaths.
You are good enough, strong enough, and enough of everything you need to be.
I promise.
Amy @BettyRants
You, my dear, are badass.
Loved it Brenda Boo! Thank you for sharing your truth with us.
Brenda Boo I FEEL YOU! I have been doing a bit of floundering myself recently. I find I’m not the person I used to be or want to be. Nor do I feel like I’m living life to it’s fullest. I must say HMM has been a great source of inspiration to me. You have her live and in person so spend some time with her and soak up that energy and gumption, along with a lot of wine! Allow yourself to wallow for a day JUST A DAY. Then get those big girl panties on and take steps to change. It may mean removing yourself from toxic friends who are engery/fun/happy zapping vampires. Not sure of your age but I’m 47 with an 8 yr old and the more into my 40′s I am the more I realize it’s imperative to remove these people from your life. You may see them but you do not have to engage them you can be “aquaintance nice” as I call it. BTW I think HMM should know that I call 40′s the FUCK IT Decade! I have become more and more F.I. as I go. It’s freeing and I wish I’d have done it sooner. I give this advise because I’m taking it myself. Choosing to do/be more of who I want to be and truly am or at least was (I hope). You can’t be as bad off as you think since Gooly and HMM both clearly adore you! Give yourself some credit! Thank you for sharing this post because there are many of us who feel the same way.
Raw and real is what it’s all about – I’m GLAD HMM posted this! Sometimes being a responsible adult and taking care of bidness is the exact opposite of what we long to do. I’d love to walk out and never look back, giving a big ‘fuck off’ to certain people in my professional sphere. BUT. With bill & 3 kids & 2 furbabies to provide for, my ideals, morals and better judgement often disagree. Unfortunately, better judgement wins the higher percentage of battles.
YOU know where you stand, and who cares about the outside package? YOU know that, given the proper means, you’d never let the doorknob smack your ass on the way out.
And after all, it’s what YOU know that has meaning, not what anybody else thinks.
Dear Brenda Boo-
You are more authentic than you know my dear. It took lady balls to say everything you just said. I don’t know your particular situation, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret…You are not alone in the way that you are feeling right now. Sometimes I feel the same way about certain aspects of my life. You are brave for putting it out there and I applaud you for that because I’m still slightly chicken shit in a lot of areas of my life I wish I wasn’t. I have just recently started to woman up (sounded better than man up since I don’t have testicles). Anyway, thanks for sharing and I will still cheat on HMM with you if you continue to post.
Cool…Very refreshing introspective. Ever think of some cool thing to say to someone AFTER they just fucked you over. Only problem is she is now three counties away ! You innocently cut in front of her fat ass at Walmart because you thought that was just her stomach that was in your line. Then she beat you down in front of everyone. Why didnt you just say “Shut up ORCA!!” Well thats because your nice…Feel no pressure to live up to shit! Everyone is different and Hot Mom Mess and Jim are full of shit many times. Your not a puss probably but just someone who is a thinker,considers others feelings and considers other options…I think authentic is the key….Not being an asshole does not disqualify you…We all got shit to work out. Good work…
LOVE! It was like I was reading about myself for most of that. It is nice to know that we are not alone. I just wish I could put it out there so eloquently. Can’t wait to hear more!
I feel you in a MAJOR way. It’s why I started my blog. I’m sorry I know that’s annoying, I’m really not trying to self-promote right now. I just want you to know: I’m so totally serious – I GET IT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you have a sec, go see my flagship post, ‘Abandoning Pretense’ at the blog of the same name.
I love your writing – don’t be afraid to dig deep and let it pour out of you. You will be astonished to discover how many, right in your own little circle, feel exactly the same as you, but like you, are frozen in fear.
DOWN WITH PRETENSE!
xoxo
Kristen Mae: Don’t apologize, for the love of everything holy, for pointing me to your writing. I want to read it, and I’m proud of you for staring a blog. I am flattered that you want to share your thoughts with me, so no more talk of self promotion. DOWN WITH PRETENSE!!!
Seems pretty HMM appropriate to me. Saying the words will maybe start some action? Can’t hurt to try. Wishing you the best…
Boo,
Gimme something real every time. Abandoning Pretense says it so I don’t need to… I continue to be surprised at what comes out when I simply let go and get the shit out. This blog opportunity continues to hold the mirror up for me and sometimes I DO NOT like what I see. The courage lies in looking anyway.
You just did and are better for it. Others too.
I appreciate your kind words. I accept them. Only after an inner battle to aggressively deny anything in me you see as interesting or fearless. It’s there…as well as a scared little boy.
Welcome to the human experience:)
Just shut up and kiss me, Gool…you silly fool (see comment below). Smooch.
You’re an even better writer then I remember. That deserves a HMM Pulitzer.
ahhh.. from the journalist.. Honey.. that deseves “AN” HMM Pulitzer. Irregardless
God damn’it, Seven. I miss you. I miss seeing you, talking to you, laughing with you and just absorbing all the glory that is YOU. I want to see you with your babies, because I know that you are such a stellar father, and I never got to witness that. I want to see you with your wife, because, well, because you both are ridiculous and so in love, and that gives me so much happiness. I watch videos of you I find online at least once a month. Does that make me a stalker? I don’t care. I am just so stinking proud of you and have far you have come in your career and how insanely confident you are in what you do for a living. I want you to meet my son, “Done.” I will refer to him by that name on this blog because I recently went to my OBGYN and he asked me if I was going to have any more children, to which I replied, “Nay.” He said,”One and done, huh?” and I wanted to punch him in his neck for making a flip, rhyming comment about something that causes me angst. I wanted a big family. For a ton of reasons, it didn’t happen. But, esp. when I read about the family dynamic you have going on with three, I feel as if my husband and I have done “Done” a disservice by not making it more of a priority to give him siblings. I hear it’s hard to be a squirrel without a nut, and I’d love for “Done” to have a nut. Well, he actually has a nut sack, so maybe that’s good enough? Regardless, Done has been diagnosed with Aspergers because kids that don’t fit any mold have to be labeled something (and that’s the only way he qualifies for extra help at school). Done is strange, off-the-charts brilliant but has a hard time buttoning his pants, funny, kind and just the brightest light of warmth and purity and love that it’s blinding. He takes my breath away. I want him to see you and hear you and absorb you because you are still so important to me. Ok. I’m done now.
the challenge is going to be to get Seven to come back and read something on HMM two days in a row… but he will.. because he loves you. Of course,,, he doesn’t come read MY stuff everyday… but hey.. I’m not keeping score..
We love you Boo! Come down and play with us! Bring Done. He can teach Number Two to read and Two can help him with his pants.
Everyone postures and poses and rationalizes and then cringes for it at some point in their lives. But when you have responsibilities and especially little ones to worry about, well, you do what you have to do. That’s not being inauthentic or a puswah (as HMM says), that’s being a responsible adult. That’s being strong. Sometimes giving in or holding your tongue can be a really bitter pill to swallow – but you are fighting the good fight, Brenda boo. Sometimes you have to do it to live to fight another day, so to speak, when maybe the odds will be better in your favor.
Boo you are not alone at all. only a very very very few in my life (HMM included) know the real me. It is raw and doesn’t give a flying f#!#, it is confused and inappropriate. But I suppress it, or at least compartamentalize it 99% of the time so that I fit in the ‘norm’, which I secretly loath and question constantly!
Today’s word is one I am stealing from yesterday…EPIC!!!!!! (That’s for you, my Pet G.)
It’s late. I’m beat. I still have to make progress packing for vaca, but first I have to figure out how to use the app I paid $2.99 for to help me pack. Hi. I’m going to be 40 years old one week from today, and I’m downloading apps to help me do something I’ve been doing on my own for about 30 years. EPIC FAIL.
So, because of all of the above, I am going to number the EPICNESS (so just made up a word), because lists are a perfect fit for a tired Boo.
1) EPIC meltdown this morning, witnessed by HMM via the Internet. She posted my blog. It showed up on my Facebook Timeline. All of yesterday’s angst centered around me waiting to find out if I was canned. There is a whole team at the place I go to M-F during normal business hours that does nothing but social media. I thought that what I feared the most would happen yesterday would come to fruition today because I spoke my peace and it found its way to my Timeline. Because, low and behold, if a person is found writing anything at all disparaging about this establishment of which I will not name, the person is instantly canned. There was a ledge. I was on it. HMM talked me off of it. I still don’t know if I set my security/privacy/whatever-the-hell correctly to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future, but apparently I’m fond of precariously perching on ledges today because I don’t feel like trying to figure out if I’ve covered my significantly padded ass.
2) EPIC response to your comments. Every single one of them. Once again, I found myself crying in my hobbit hole of a cubicle, but this time it was from your outpouring of kindness, understanding and acceptance. What a truly tremendous village of comrades HMM has drawn in and assembled through her words and her heart. And of course, I can’t deny that Pet G is part of that draw as well. Besides his personality and way with words, I’m not sure you all are aware that this man is gorgeous. He even has crinkly eyes like Seven. I adore crinkly eyes. I love my husband. Pet G loves his BB. But, it is officially on my bucket list to kiss him (Pet G, not BB…although, BB will prob. get on that bucket list line item at some point as well). He doesn’t have to like it…this is not for his benefit. I just want to be in a deep conversation with him, and then mid sentence, have him cup my face with both hands, lean in gently-yet-firmly and just kiss me, just because he thinks I am the bee’s knees and he wants to express that with a physical exchange. Two minutes or so would suffice, and I don’t want to feel as if he is doing it just because it is on my bucket list, which of course would require quite a bit of alcohol consumption on my part (and prob. his) to fool myself into believing it is not a pity peck. Some may consider that cheating…I consider it much needed. It would be EPIC. Oh, and p.s., I’m not talking a kiss like ones we have all seen happen in a black and white movie from way back in the day where it was all stiff and weird. I want to be properly puckered.
3) I can’t think of a three right now, but two didn’t seem enough to be considered a “list”, so three is here merely to satiate my need to meet my own warped standards.
Saying thank you seems so cliche and trite in response to how I feel after reading your comments. You made the time to read my meltdown. You showed me that it is ok, and that made me feel that maybe I’m not quite as fucked up as I walk around feeling like I am the majority of the time. You gave me an EPIC gift today…please know that.
you rock my world.
It’s funny how while people often try so hard to put out something masterful and artfully crafted, it’s the simple passionate declaration of our humanity that stirs people the most.
And it’s often harder to be real and raw than it is to be prosaic and poetic.
You’ve got a great ability for both.
Thanks for sharing.
I want to marry this post and make babies with it.