A guest post by my amazing Boo.. small intro can be found HERE.
So, I’ve been built up to epic proportions by a certain sir and madam, and I find this daunting because I now feel like I need to be epic with the words I choose and the positions in which I place them. But here’s my truth at this moment; I am feeling so intensely raw that I don’t give a shit about being epic.
I’d love to vent on this here blog—for my very first post, mind you—of exactly why I am feeling this way. And I’m scared. I’m scared because if I speak my truth to a bunch of people that I don’t know, there is a slight chance that my words will somehow, someway through the interwebs resurface to the audience that I was surrounded by today, all raw and (figuratively) bleeding. And that just can’t happen. I think I can write the following without fear of retribution, but who the hell knows.
I am so miserably sick of walking through life allowing to be led by fear. I have grand plans of living with some level of authenticity, of owning my power to choose, and then life gets real and I get real chicken shit. Because to be guided by my gut and my principles and my inherit standards and fully owning and living them means that in certain EPIC circumstances, I walk out and don’t look back. When there are bills to be paid and a child to raise and being a sensible, functioning member of this fucked up, ass backwards full-circle, all encompassing environment that I have chosen to live in is the “right” and “mature” thing to do, I tuck my tail and do it and keep my mouth shut.
I am, so often, the epitome of the people that I loathe. And I loathe them because I look at them and it’s like looking in a mirror, whether I realize that consciously or subconsciously in that moment. Today I was full of fear because I felt as if I had zero control over a situation, and had the outcome been different, well…It would have been really bad. I was literally sick, SICK waiting for hours to see if the ax would fall or if I would be spared. Turns out, I was spared. In this moment, when I should be incredibly thankful, I am thoroughly disgusted with myself and how much of a pussy I am.
I think of my kid as a grown man, sitting in the same position I was today. It would break my heart. It would break my heart that I didn’t teach my son enough self respect to have the balls to step up when it’s time to get steppin’ and live his freaking truth. The ironic thing is that I was bathed in showers of admiration by Hot Mess and my Pet Goolfish, two people who live their lives in EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE way that I live mine. They are whom I want to be, just one freaking day, people who live without fear of retribution for acting according to their conscious. They are like superheroes to me.
So, to close my first post, I will say I have some serious shit to work out in my life. And, to prove how much of a superzero I am, if you are a Facebook friend of mine, there are other “friends” that I have who, for one reason or another, I would rather gouge my eyes out than let them see/hear/read this side of me. At this moment, I kind of feel like just deleting my Facebook account in general, because what is on there, in some cases, is such a bunch of poised and positioned bullshit that it just adds fuel to my feeling of inauthentic fire. Oh my GODDESS I’m in a mood. Sorry folks. Hot Mess, you don’t have to post this. I won’t be at all upset if you don’t. But it’s all I have to offer right now.
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Filed under: Brenda Boo
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