Hot Mess Mom » Archive
I’ll be the one in the gloves…
I just polished my finger and toenails by myself for the first time in 12 years. I am normally religious about my bi-weekly mani/pedi’s however, recently I have found myself with little time and even less money, so I had to opt for self-pampering. A few observations: Either my legs are longer, or I am MUCH less limber than I was a decade ago. My little piggies are a bitch to reach. There is no way to make my tootsies as soft and lovely as my favorite Asian lady gets them. I miss her. Terribly. I’m 39 years old. I should have the basic skill of painting a fricking fingernail. I may have early signs of Parkinson’s or some other shaky disease (or I’m going through serious DT’s) as proven in these pics. And yes.. I really … Read entire article »
Filed under: Dear Diary, Ramblings, Things that are NOT awesome, Uncategorized
Hamster balls?
My boys love this commercial. We have been practicing the dance moves. They think the hamsters have big balls. Unfortunately I cannot disagree.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zJWA3Vo6TU … Read entire article »
Filed under: Family, Uncategorized
Hangovers kill creativity
The “tips” from the blogesphere say that you MUST post every day when beginning your blog. There are many reasons for this, and it of course makes sense. But here’s my problem… I drank 750 beers last night, took the kids to the beach today, and the only thing I want to do right now is lose this headache, drink a fountain Coke and go get a pizza. So that’s what I am going to do. Will share some wit with you tomorrow… And probably even tell you that the reason I drank 750 beers last night was because I hated my children so much yesterday, I had to drink the memory of them away. At a fundraiser. For St. Jude. And yes, I realize it is horrible to complain about your … Read entire article »
Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, Grown-up time, Ramblings
Bubble Farts
Number Two: Mom, if you were naked, and laying on your stomach, and farted, would there be a bubble coming out of your butt? Me: Uh, No. Number Two: Why? It feels like there should be a bubble. Me: {note scientific answer} because farts are made of gas. It would take something solid to make a bubble, like when you use soap for bubbles or you blow up a balloon. Number Two walks to kitchen. I hear cabinets opening. Me: What are you doing? Number Two: Getting the soap. Lord help me. … Read entire article »
Filed under: Family
Golden Child?
The Today Show featured a study this week saying that the majority of parents have a favorite child. Jeffrey Kluger, the author of The Sibling Effect, says it is his belief that 95% of parents have a favored child, and the other 5% are lying. THANK YOU MR. KLUGER! My friends have given me hell for years because I openly admit that I have a favorite. So does Seven. (They are not the same child). To be clear~ I LOVE all my children equally. I wouldn’t say that I love them the same because they are very different children and I love different things about each one, but the amount of love I feel towards each child is equal. They own my heart. However, there is one who I like more. He … Read entire article »
Filed under: Dear Diary, Family, Ramblings, Uncategorized
Snakes Alive!!
And THIS is why I started a blog… This is the kind of shit that happens at my house all of the time…. WTF? Number One caught a tiny tiny baby garter snake yesterday and I told him he could keep it. Snakes don’t bother me. I had pet snakes when I was little (I’m from Louisiana people!) and I had a python in college. ( SHUT IT… I’m talking about a real python). Seven, on the other hand is deathly afraid of snakes and has refused to let the boys have a snake up until now. Unfortunately, we have LOTS of snakes where we live… many harmless, but also water mocassins, so Seven has become pretty good about using the shovel when needed… Anyhoo… Number One built a nice little habitat for … Read entire article »
Filed under: Family, Things that are NOT awesome, Ways I know I'm failing as a parent
The Dollar Store…
A trip to the Dollar Store is always a crash course in sociology. My visits are preceded by equal amounts of dread and excitement. Will it be clean? Will it be dirty? How many people will be wearing slippers? Will there be anyone buying their wedding supplies from the party aisle? How many children will I see being spanked? How many children will run around wild and not get spanked? Will anyone have curlers in … Read entire article »
Filed under: Dear Diary, Ramblings, Uncategorized
My kids think I’m fat
Number Three’s first grade teacher is adorable. She is super young, super tall, super skinny and very very sweet. ME: Number Three, I just love your teacher. She is just too cute. NUMBER THREE: Have you seen her skirts ? They are like THIS big!! ME: huh? What do you mean? NUMBER THREE: you know… they come all the way up to here and down to here….. { he is gesturing that they are high waisted, knee length skirts} ME: um, she can wear those skirts because she’s PRECIOUS! You have to be tall and skinny to pull off that look. And she rocks it. NUMBER TWO {snickering}: Well Mom… you’re tall. But if you have to be skinny, I guess you can’t wear skirts like that right now… NUMBER ONE: right now?? how about EVER!! ME: Wow. You guys suck. Big Time. … Read entire article »
Filed under: Family, Things that are NOT awesome, Uncategorized
Making Vodka Babies is a dirty job {updated}
I’ve never used a talking doll before…. {shudder} See video below to know how it all began…. vbabymovie Making Vodka Babies is not for the faint of heart……. nor would it be great for mothers of girls (or any children who have any sort of attachment to baby dolls). Lucky for me, I have boys. Soooo… I tried something new today with the ‘talking” baby.. and it turned out awesome. Really.. But it was seriously disturbing beheading, disemboweling, … Read entire article »
Filed under: Antics, Grown-up time, Vodka Baby
untitled.. 9-24-11
Note to self: Should not keep Funyuns in the house… The End. … Read entire article »
Filed under: Dear Diary, Drunk Blogging, I may be PMSing...
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